PARDON THE BIGTENTERRUPTION

“Pardon the BigTenterruption, but I’m Mike Wilbon–hey, Tony, what happened to the Purdue defense?”

“I’m Tony Kornheiser–I don’t know, have they tried looking in Gene Keady’s hair?”

[music, sort of]

TK: “Let’s get right to it. Pickin’ on the Big Ten went 4-1 again last week, which must make Mark Hasty the Marv Levy of football prognosticators. That makes him 50-13 on the season (79.3%), putting him roundly ahead of those guys from CFN–in fact, both sets of them. Wilbon, when is your boy gonna get some love from football fans?”

MW: “First of all, did you have to use the phrase ’round head’ to talk about him?”

TK: “You’re just jealous because his head is rounder than yours.”

MW: “You’re just jealous because you’re balder than he is.”

TK: “Yes, but just barely.”

MW: “Anyway, on to this week’s picks. First up, Minnesota at Indiana. Tony, your boy Glen Mason has done it again. He’s come out roaring against a bunch of Johnny-come-notlys and ne’er-show-ups, and then when the real competition starts, they drop faster than if you dropped Mike Tice’s career into Lake Minnetonka.”

TK: “‘Real competition’? They beat Michigan! In the Big House!”

MW: “Big deal. Michigan is not Michigan this year, and you know it. Meanwhile down in Bloomington, Terry Hoeppner has given everybody a reason not to look forward to basketball season–”

TK: “Not as many as Mike Davis has.”

MW: “–and Indiana is suddenly looking like a team that just might beat somebody this year. Tony, is this the week?”

TK: “It is, and I’ll tell you why. That Minnesota defense is completely different on the road. You just know they’re looking past Indiana to those two games against Michigan State and at Iowa. Nobody takes IU seriously. But somebody’s gonna learn that lesson the hard way, and who better than Glen Mason?”

MW: “I think you’re on to something. We keep talking about Laurence Moroney and those Minnesota receivers, but who’s #1 in the conference in pass defense? The Indiana Hoosiers, and it’s not very close. Indiana’s gonna gum up that Minnesota offensive machine, and they’re gonna win this game.”

SO WHAT? IT’S HOCKEY SEASON 24
BASS-KETT-BALL? WHAT’S THAT? 31

TK: “Right. We move on now to Iowa at Northwestern. Wilbon, I assume you’re gonna excuse yourself from this one?”

MW: “No, I am not, Tony. Have you seen my Wildcats? Forget Michigan State, that is the best offense in the Big Ten, and Brett Basanez has gotta be moving up Mel Kiper’s board. 15 touchdowns and only 4 picks.”

TK: “That is impressive. The only question is whether Basanez is moving up Mel’s boards as fast as Abdul Hodge and Chad Greenway are moving down them.”

MW: “Listen, Hodge and Greenway are getting no help from the guys in front of ‘em, or from the guys behind them. They can’t be Iowa’s entire defense. But thus far, it’s like that’s what everybody expects, and so it’s gonna be a long afternoon for the Hawkeyes.”

TK: “You are such a homer, Wilbon.”

MW: “I AM NOT A HOMER!”

TK: “And Richard Nixon wasn’t a crook. Wilbon, who’s next to last in the Big Ten in total defense? That would be your boy Randy Walker’s team. Yes, Northwestern has a good offense, but last time I checked, so did Iowa. And even if that Iowa defense has more holes in it than a Viking cruise boat, they’re doing a better job than your Wildcats, and that’s why Iowa will win this game.”

WE HEAR NASHVILLE’S LOVELY IN DECEMBER 45
WE CAN HEAR MUSIC, SWEET, SWEET MUSIC 35

MW: “Next up: Illinois at Ohio State. Tony, do you plan to watch?”

TK: “Are you kidding? I’d rather watch chicken rotate on a spit.”

HOOP DREAMS 0
THEY’VE GOT GOOD BREAD AT THE OUTBACK 45

TK: “The big one, Wilbon. Wisconsin at Penn State.”

MW: “Who says there’s no championship game in the Big Ten? There is, and this is it. You win this game, you’re in the BCS.”

TK: “Great. So who wins this game?”

MW: “You know what they say, Tony. ‘Defense wins championships.’ For all the hype about AJ Hawk, or Chad Greenway, or whoever, Penn State’s D is a monster. And Wisconsin’s offense has only been just good enough to win their games.”

TK: “Yeah, but Penn State’s offense has looked like The Golden Girls for most of the season.”

MW: “Hey, ask Minnesota about Penn State’s offense.”

TK: “Well, that’s a good point. They might only score 17 points, but that oughta be enough to win this game.”

WHO WANTS TO BIELEMALLIONAIRE? 13
IN FACT, KIRK FERENTZ DID SCHOOL ME 17

TK: “Stat Boy, tell us what we messed up.”

SB: “Tony, the Vikes didn’t sink the boat . . .”

TK: “But I’ll bet they wish they would have.”

SB: “. . . the Gophers only gave up ten points to Tulsa in their road opener . . .”

TK: “IT WAS TULSA!!!”

SB: ” . . . among starters, Brett Basanez is only fifth in the conference in QB rating, and Tony, at least Mark doesn’t have a combover. Also, you forgot to pick Michigan State at Purdue.”

TK: “Can you say ‘foregone conclusion,’ Stat Boy? Probably not, those are both three-syllable words. Sparty by at least three TDs.”

MW: “Make it four.”

LITHIUM 42
PROZAC 7

TK: “That’s it for our show today. We’ll try to do better next time. I’m Tony Kornheiser.”

MW: “I’m Mike Wilbon. Stay tuned for SportsCenter.”

Next week:

• Indiana @ Michigan: Stop it. They can’t.
• Michigan State @ Minnesota: River Walk, or ‘Mars with an airport’?
• Northwestern @ Ohio State: If tOSU is going to make a run for the title, they need this game. Obviously.
• Illinois @ Purdue: Only $14.95 on pay-per-view!
• Iowa @ Wisconsin: The loser should have to display the Heartland Trophy for a year.