DANCES WITH GATORS

Orson and Stranko over at EDSBS dropped a nice little e-mail on me a couple days ago, wanting my thoughts heading into the The Only Good Thing About Outback Steakhouse Is The Bread, And Even That Isn’t Very Good Bowl, thoughts which I was more than happy to provide in exchange for their answers to my own vaguely-insulting questions about what’s on their minds heading into this game.

For some reason, they wrote back.

INSANE REGIONAL BIGOTRY ROUND

1. Give me your favorite anecdote involving a palmetto bug, a nutria, a real-estate developer, or some other revolting Floridian creature.

Your regional boogeymen are slightly dated, though the Palmetto bug never really goes out of style. They’re roughly the same size as dogs, can fly, and occasionally hold minor offices like alderman, fire commissioner, or governor.

A truly revolting creature in the Florida wilderness is the armadillo, which in addition to being eminently kickable–it was a high school hobby to get loaded and go “dilla-kickin’”–is also the second most common casualty on the roads due to their startlingly low IQ and fondness for the taste of car bumpers. Some roads in Pinellas County seem to be paved with their carcasses, and they pop like bloody eggs when hit. The first most common casualty on Florida roads would be human pedestrians of course, eaten by Lincoln Town Cars legally piloted by retirees who can’t open cans of beans without assistance.

Our favorite revolting Florida creature was our high school resource officer, who used to go to bars with the teachers, get so drunk he couldn’t stand, and then have a slightly less drunk teacher drive him home in the cruiser while he slept in the back. Wildlife comes in a million varieties in the Sunshine State–which means everything you read in a Carl Hiaasen novel is true.

2. Help us Hawkeye fans with proper Southern etiquette: How much should we tip our carjackers?

10-15%, of course. Standard service gratuity, unless they shoot you, which is considered poor form outside of the Miami metropolitan area.

3. Rank these Florida cities in terms of how Northern they actually are: Jacksonville, Tampa, Fort Lauderdale, Pensacola, Orlando.

The most northern (we should say northeastern) is Tampa, which has long since been overrun by waves of New Yorkers and New Jersey expats.. You’ll get great bagel and schmear, Yankees spring training games sold out to the gills, and a strong New York accent to most public events. (Inevitable chants of an athlete’s name done to the rhythm DUH-duh DUH-duh, clap-clap, clap-clap-clap.)

O-Town is second; Orlando’s the Iowan emigre’s choice, as it is the flattest, least interesting part of the state, and therefore ideal for the restless Midwesterner. Boy bands, lousy traffic…one big Disneyfied Indianapolis at 28.5 degrees north latitude.

Fort Lauderdale is third, but just barely. A strong Broward county redneck contingent balances the northeastern influence.

Jacksonville takes fourth, but only because Pensacola is really part of Lower Alabama. They’ve both got impeccable ‘neck pedigrees–Jax actually is the hometown of Lynyrd Skynyrd, which is all we really need to say here.

ACTUAL FOOTBALL CONTENT

4. How many times this year did you find yourself missing Ingle Martin?

Never–transfers die the instant they step off campus. It’s like being banished in the movie “Judge Dredd;” once they leave, they’re gone forever, destined to fight for their lives with the mutant bandits of the nuclear wastelands.

As for the evolution of the spread, it was agony to watch the coaches pound at the square peg for much of the season. Sanity set in sometime around the Georgia game, but not before we were given the treat of watching Chris Leak running the option like “someone wearing high heels,” as Mark May said. May, as he usually is, was wrong here, too–he neglected to mention the fabulous Bob Mackie gown Leak was wearing at the time.

Whatever the spread option is, we won’t see it until a new qb gets broken in–we’ll run a Northwestern knock-off until then.

5. Apart from beating Mississippi State, what has been the biggest change in Florida football under Urban Meyer?

Honesty. Toughness. Everything was “getting better and better” under Zook, all bluster and no ferocity. For Zook, the fourth quarter was when you won the game. Meyer’s only real M.O. seems to be destroying other teams so badly that when the fourth rolls around, they don’t even want to be there. We went unde! feated at home, which did wonders for the program’s recruiting, and there’s a resurgence of interesting characters in the program. During the Zook era, there was no attempt to say, “This is what a Florida player should be.” Meyer’s first move was to find those players and hold them up as the prototypes, players like five-foot-nuthin’ Vernell Brown and center Mike “Ogre” Degory–tough, disciplined players with exemplary personal stories and charisma. And the team seems to have slowly dropped into that mold over the season, with the FSU game coming as the pinnacle.

6. Is Meyer doomed if he loses to Spurrier again next year? I don’t mean “will he get fired?” because I doubt Foley is going to pull the trigger twice on winning coaches, but would he ever be able to recover in the public mind from dropping two straight to TOBC?

Sure, because he’s beaten everyone else. We saw him do it in glorious fashion for over a decade. It’s more important for Meyer to beat FSU, Georgia, and Tennessee than the OBC. Most Gator fans are still torn over playing Spurrier anyway, and who couldn’t use a new rival or two? Few conferences have as much tussle and intrigue as the SEC East, and the OBC just adds to the gumbo.

Foley’s also learned his lesson on pulling coaches too early. We’re now of the mind that Meyer gets four years, barring absolute collapse in year two and three.

7. Give us your honest thoughts on Bobby Bowden.

He’s a sanctimonious fake whose nepotism will bury him. Country-fried Tressel. Was a great coach at one point who now just kisses babies and occasionally puts on a headset. Sets a deplorable example by refusing to discipline players who commit actual crimes under his watch. No one really mentions him in the same breath with Joe Pa, and there’s a good reason: integrity. Next.

8. If Vandy was in the Big Ten, would they be a perennial bowl team?

They’re basically Northwestern, so yes, but not because the SEC izz tha RuLaH!!! like many message board types would say. There’s just greater parity across the system in the Big Ten for some reason, while the SEC has a near-permanent underclass of teams. Kind of like the Southeastern United States, actually.

You should definitely go read their site if you don’t already, but who am I trying to kid? If you read this site, you read theirs too. In fact, if you read this site, you will apparently read anything written about college football . . .