VITALE CRITICAL AFTER DUKE LOSS

WASHINGTON-ESPN college basketball commentator Dick Vitale is in critical condition in a Washington-area hospital after being thrown from the bandwagon he was piloting. The accident occurred shortly after Duke University’s surprising loss to the Georgetown Hoyas this afternoon.

Eyewitnesses reported seeing Vitale sail over the dashboard of the bandwagon at a high rate of speed. “He just went flying, he looked terrified and he was just shouting, ‘This is not awwwwwesome, bay-beeeeeeeeee!’” said Miguel Alvarez, a Georgetown student who attended Saturday’s game. “I mean, it looked like he was never gonna come down. He went right into the side of a Metro bus, and I bet he was still five feet off the ground.”

Medical personnel on the scene reported that Vitale was conscious and alert after the impact. “Everybody said he kept asking for a medic, but after we showed up, we quickly determined that he was actually asking for [Duke point guard J.J.] Redick,” said a District of Columbia paramedic. “He was pretty badly injured. His nose was fractured and stained, and there was blood everywhere. Blue blood. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

Vitale, though badly injured, is expected to make a full recovery in 4 to 6 weeks, or just in time for the popular “March Madness” opening weekend. Doctors, however, are cautioning that Vitale will have to adjust his usual level of hyperbole or risk serious complications.

“Any time you go head-first into the side of a bus, you have to watch your intra-sinal pressures very carefully, because there may be pockets of cerebro-spinal fluid in the cranium, and those can burst if pressures grow too high,” said Dr. Howard Fessler, a neurologist contacted for this story. “I’d advise [Vitale] to limit himself to no more than three to five ridiculously inflated adjectives per hour, and I’d suggest he refrain from talking about [Duke head coach Mike] Krzyzewski altogether. Complete avoidance might be easier than hearing [Vitale] call Coach K ‘one of the better coaches in the profession’ or something similar. But he’s going to have to watch himself. His skull will pop like an overcooked wonton if he holds on to a ‘baybeeeeeeeee’ as long as he usually does.”

Krzyzewski declined comment for this story but issued a statement through a spokesperson in which he said, “Today it feels like we’ve lost more than a game. We’ve lost our sixth man. Without Vitale and his incessant, shrill, barely-disguised cheerleading on our behalf, we would only be a moderately disliked sports dynasty, instead of the deeply loathed cultural force we’ve become.”

A spokesman for Vitale’s family referred all questions to the family’s attorney, former Duke star Jay Bilas.