OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER

ESPN’s Chris Mortensen is reporting that Brett Favre has decided to play one last season in Green Bay. Expect tomorrow’s Wisconsin media coverage to be sort of like that for the Second Coming, only more intense.

This will definitely be his last season. So you’d also better be ready for an entire season of coverage that will make it sound like he’s died.

HAWKEYE NATION MELTDOWN?

University of Iowa athletic director Bob Bowlsby is leaving to become athletic director at Stanford University. This move, which caught everyone flat-footed, is certainly a good move for Bowlsby, but it leaves the university’s athletic programs in a bit of a lurch. Football is fine, and wrestling will do well under former Hawkeye assistant Tom Brands, but the matter of Steve Alford’s contract remains up in air, with Alford craving an extension despite a first-round bedsoiling in the NCAA tournament and his not-exactly-secret flirtations with other jobs.

Bowlsby deserves considerable credit for hiring Kirk Ferentz back in ‘98, when the thought of hiring a former Hayden Fry assistant who had also worked with Bill Belichick didn’t really jazz anyone. He managed to keep wrestling (a sport in decline almost everywhere) on the front burner and sent a strong message when he dismissed former Hawk grappler Jim Zalesky after this season, even though the Hawkeyes were a strong contender for the NCAA wrestling title. Bowlsby also oversaw significant upgrades in Iowa’s athletic facilities, capped by a masterful remodeling job on Kinnick Stadium.

On the other hand, UI women’s athletics, which once far outclassed the men’s sports, have drifted a bit under his watch, and the Alford hire certainly made lots of news but hasn’t exactly panned out yet.

Still, Stanford’s getting a great AD, and I do believe Iowa will find a good replacement for Bowlsby. I’ve got to believe that the job he’s leaving will be attractive to an up-and-comer like Bowlsby himself was fourteen years ago when he came to Iowa City from the University of Northern Iowa. It wasn’t easy for him to replace Bump Elliott; it may be even harder for the next person to replace him.

YE GODS! TMQ BACK ON PAGE 2!

It’s one thing to have Gregg Easterbrook’s Tuesday Morning Quarterback back on ESPN.com’s Page 2, where it belongs. That’s great. But what’s equally great is that they’ve restored the archive of his previous ESPN.com columns. That is just so nice.

I’m guessing they’ll never do the same with Trev Alberts.

HAIL, INCARNATE ADEQUACY

There’s nothing quite like spending six hours in a Taurus with three small children who don’t want to be there, but that’s how I spent my Saturday afternoon. The Director of Operations was holding the wheel, which meant that she had full control of the stereo. She likes to listen to Christian music on the radio because of the positive lyrics . . . but when the signal peters out, she switches over to top-40 country. She’s in love with all those dead-grandparent/new-baby songs, even though they only make up about 15% of what’s on top-40 country radio these days.

For some reason the Christian radio signals were extra-strong this weekend, so I got six hours to listen to Christian music in between 90-decibel crying jags from the back seat. And I feel, more than ever, that Christian songwriters need to admit defeat and start working with lyricists. The state of Christian lyrics is simply dreadful.

Lots of things are “worthy to be praised”–certainly Jesus is, but so is the Hawley-Smoot Tariff Act. For that matter, the Double Deluxe at Culver’s is also deserving of praise. Whoever invented instant powdered infant formula–you, too, are “worthy of praise.” Get the point? Even if the whole concept of “worthiness” is all over the book of Revelation, making “worthiness” the main thing you’re going to say about Jesus is like saying he probably wasn’t shorter than average. It’s a pretty minimal distinguishing characteristic.

Yet there it is, over and over. How many Christian songs don’t include this cliché?

Does anybody in Christian music read any parts of the Bible besides Revelation and the Psalms? Where’s the great music coming out of Lamentations or Ecclesiastes? Or even First John? Is no one inspired by anything other than the Rapture these days? Because, listening to Christian radio, it certainly seems like we’re all just biding time until the Second Coming.

While I’m no traditionalist, it irks me to see a blizzard of substandard, uninspired and uninspiring music drowning out the great wealth of traditional hymns, songs which have something to say besides “Jesus? Yeah, he’s pretty good.” There have been a lot of good praise and worship songs written in the last quarter century that I’ve grown to love–”Shine, Jesus, Shine,” “Lord, I Lift Your Name On High,” and “He Is Exalted” to name just three. But to me they’re just appetizers. They whet my appetite to learn more, to know more, to say more about my faith.

Some people can make a meal out of appetizers. Bully for them. We know in the long run such a diet will leave you overfed and undernourished.

EASTER STANDARD TIME

There will be no blogging going on here for the next few days as the family and I are off to visit family. I defy you to notice the difference.

BECOME A TBP INSIDER TODAY

We here at The Bemusement Park are pleased to announce our new TBP Insider Program. TBP Insider is a special new feature wherein we will allow you to sample some small fractions of our less-important posts, but, should we write something you might actually want to read, it will cost you $4.95 a month, conveniently billed to your credit card in perpetuity unless you request us to stop. (All requests must be submitted by telephone to Leonard, our Customer Service Representative, who can be reached by calling Smitty’s Auto Body in Ekalaka, Montana, and asking Smitty if he could run next door because you need to talk to Leonard. Leonard’s a little behind on his phone bill these days.)

In addition to full access to all TBP articles, you’ll also be allowed to access the TBP Archives, letting you catch up with the past three years of articles, providing you agree not to comment on how much better this blog was back when I only had one kid to look after. Plus you’ll receive a wide variety of other benefits, including (but not limited to):

• Your very own personalized Member Name and unique, unchangeable password (note: all member names involving Keyser Soze, Tyler Durden, and the number between 68 and 70 have been claimed already)
• An exclusive hotline e-mail address allowing you to contact me directly (note: this address has been on the sidebar for three years and has generated exactly three pieces of legitimate mail)
• Special access to exclusive TBP Insider chats, featuring M1EK, Paul, and that one other guy who leaves comments sometimes (note: actual participation of M1EK and Paul is not guaranteed)
• Our exclusive TBP Trucker Hat, only available to TBP Insiders so the whole world will know of your special status

Unfortunately, the institution of TBP Insider will mean a few changes for those of you who opt not to upgrade yourself to Platinum Procrastinator status. We promise the new Flash banner ads won’t crash your browser every time you use it, and we do guarantee that the floating ads will take up no more than 89.3% of your visible screen, but unfortunately the ‘CLOSE’ button in 3-point type (ecru on an off-white background) is pretty much mandatory. Also, you’ll only get to read my one-line posts in their entirety. Everything else will be for TBP Insider subscribers. But you can still use the blogroll.

Don’t delay–there’s only a limited number of TBP Insider subscriptions available!*

(*: Offer limited strictly limited to those willing to pay $5 a month to read a $10 per month website)

THE STORY’S OFTEN TOLD

All across America, a small army of creative writing teachers have just started working on a new novel.

THE BIG TEN SIMILARITIES ENGINE

It’s a long, long time until I’ll feel bold enough to put together this season’s Pickin’ On The Big Ten season preview, even if my official motto is “It’s never too early to be wrong.” Sure, spring football is ragin’ full on at the moment, but as we all know, the summer always brings plenty of arrests, academic ineligibilities and NCAA violations which make the task of predicting the conference fortunes a bit too daunting for my faint Lutheran heart. But it’s a long time until Julyish, and I feel the need to write something about football. Anything. Or at least anything that doesn’t require me to read recruiting boards.

I am well aware that several of my readers (assuming I still have several readers) are fans of the other, lesser conferences. Likewise, there are probably some Big Ten fans who would like to expand their horizons beyond the conference, if only because they’d like to appreciate those games played on Thursday and Saturday nights. So I’ve put together something I call the Big Ten Interconference Similarities Engine. This helpful document will aid both groups of college football fans by (a) providing ridiculously biased and unfair summaries of the current fortunes of the eleven Big Ten programs, and (b) giving examples of similar teams from other conferences, so Big Ten fans can figure out who in other conferences is most like their team, and fans from other conferences can figure out which Big Ten teams would be most similar overall to their own favorite teams. This will help both groups figure out which bandwagons to jump on–or off of, as the case may be.

As always, all opinions are my own, but for a small licensing fee, they can be yours as well.

ILLINOIS
Nickname: The Fighting Illini
Brief, unfair capsule description: Illinois was a BCS team as recently as 2001, but has fallen on hard times since then. Really hard times. Head coach Ron Zook, late of the Florida Gators, enters his second season in a league where improvement doesn’t necessarily show up in the year-end standings. The Illini last appeared in the Rose Bowl in 1984, the third-longest drought among Big Ten teams.

As a program which has recently swung from moderate success to misdirection and may not improve immediately, Illinois displays strong similarities with teams like Maryland, Pittsburgh, and Arkansas, all of which have also recently been considered “basketball schools.”

INDIANA
Nickname: Hoosiers
Brief, unfair capsule description: The quintessential basketball school, except the basketball hasn’t been that great recently, either. IU football has always suffered from being an ‘also-ran’. The Hoosiers’ first and last Rose Bowl appearance was in 1968 (they lost); they have not appeared in a bowl game since the 1993 Independence Bowl (they also lost). Head coach Terry Hoeppner is also entering his second season, again in a league where improvement doesn’t necessarily show up in the standings.

As an unabashed basketball school where football doesn’t seem to matter one whit, Indiana is overall similar to Duke, Wake Forest, Kentucky, Arizona, and Marquette, the last of which doesn’t even have a football team, of course.

IOWA
Nickname: Hawkeyes
Brief, unfair capsule description: As a football program constantly on the verge of breaking through to become ‘elite,’ yet never quite making a definitive statement in that regard, Iowa is the Big Ten equivalent of Tantalus. Coach Kirk Ferentz enters his eighth season helming the Hawks and his sixth season of rumors about his imminent departure to the NFL. The Hawkeyes have not been to the Rose Bowl since 1991, but have gone to a bowl game every year since 2001.

As a near-elite program that still can’t seem to win the conference outright, Iowa is quite similar to Kansas State, Clemson, and Louisville.

MICHIGAN
Nickname: Wolverines
Brief, unfair capsule description: One of the two traditional powers of Big Ten football, Michigan can boast of the sort of track record which leaves other college programs in the dust. And speaking of dust, that’s where Ohio State has left Michigan recently, a fact which is not lost on Wolverine fans. Even though Lloyd Carr, the dean of Big Ten football coaches, has won a national title at Michigan, he’s starting to feel the heat as inexplicable losses are beginning to mount. While the Wolverines have not missed the post-season since 1974, their last bowl win was four seasons ago, and worst of all, they’ve dropped four of their last five to Ohio State.

Michigan’s historical success coupled with current twitchiness pairs them nicely with such programs as Texas A&M, Miami (FL), Tennessee, and Nebraska.

MICHIGAN STATE
Nickname: Spartans
Brief, unfair capsule description: The Big Ten’s most bipolar program, Michigan State both wins and loses a lot of games they shouldn’t. Coach John L. Smith enters this season perhaps under the most pressure of any Big Ten coach, helming a team which hasn’t been to the Rose Bowl since 1988 (Lorenzo White!), hasn’t won a bowl game since 2001 (the Silicon Valley Classic), and hasn’t been to the post season since 2003.

With Sparty’s record of never quite seeming to gel, but never being truly hopeless on the football field, they share a distinct affinity with Missouri, Arizona State, Colorado State and Akron.

MINNESOTA
Nickname: Golden Gophers
Brief, unfair capsule description: It’s hard to believe now, but at one time, Minnesota was a national powerhouse in college football. Unfortunately, it was so long ago, the only person who remembers it is Minneapolis Star-Tribune columnist Sid Hartman. The Gophers have not been to the Rose Bowl since 1962, the longest current drought of any Big Ten team–no, it’s not Indiana. Head coach Glen Mason got a contract extension last season, though many Gopher fans are now questioning whether Mason can truly lead them to one of the top three or four positions in the conference. (Moving up to the actual top would require a huge investment in facilities; while plans for a new on-campus football stadium continue apace, funds to improve other facilities may be a long time coming.)

As a once-mighty program which now doesn’t even have its own stadium, Minnesota is unique, but fans of Syracuse, SMU, Army, and Washington can probably feel their pain.

NORTHWESTERN
Nickname: Wildcats
Brief, unfair capsule description: Until a decade ago, Northwestern football was spoken about in the same tones as the Betamax VCR. Northwestern’s only function in the conference seemed to be as a perennial homecoming opponent for the other teams. All that changed when Gary Barnett put together a couple incredible seasons . . . and then left to take over Colorado football. While Randy Walker hasn’t quite matched his predecessor’s overachievement, he has made Northwestern into the Big Ten’s biggest X factor, a team which, if you catch them on the wrong day, can beat absolutely anybody. While they haven’t been to the Rose Bowl since that magical ‘95 season, they’ve gone bowling two of the last three years . . and gotten stomped flat both times, but hey, they’ve gone.

Northwestern’s inexplicable recent success aligns them with Oregon State, Texas Tech, and TCU.

OHIO STATE
Nickname: Buckeyes
Brief, unfair capsule description: The other ‘overdog’ in the Big Ten, Ohio State has recently risen from near-mediocrity to become one of the very few programs which football fans can always expect to be a player on the national scene. Jim Tressel hit the ground running. Not even a plethora of off-the-field incidents have been able to keep the Buckeyes down. The 2002 national champs have absolutely been on a roll.

Other teams which have recently ‘broken the rock’ include Texas, Virginia Tech, and LSU.

PENN STATE
Nickname: Nittany Lions
Brief, unfair capsule description: How quickly things change. Two years ago, it seemed that Joe Paterno, who simply is Penn State football, was hanging around the game too long after it had passed him by. Then last season the Nits put together a fantastic season that, but for a last-second loss at Michigan, might have found them playing for another national title. Since joining the Big Ten in 1994, Penn State has gone to the Rose Bowl once and won or shared the conference title twice.

If you want to see another program with a well-established coach shaking up a recently-joined conference, look to Florida State. There’s really no one else comparable.

PURDUE
Nickname: Boilermakers
Brief, unfair capsule description: The Boilers have known historic highs and lows recently. Joe Tiller led the team to their first Rose Bowl appearance in almost 35 years after the 2001 season, but the past couple years have seen astonishing underachievement from what always seems on paper to be a tremendously talented team. While Purdue has never really been considered one of the conference’s elite programs, like Northwestern, they’re always a team you look past at your own risk. However, last season broke their streak of eight consecutive bowl appearances.

Other teams that you can never really count in or out include North Carolina State, Colorado, California, and Fresno State.

WISCONSIN
Nickname: Badgers
Brief, unfair capsule description: The Badgers were thoroughly rejuvenated by Barry Alvarez’s fifteen-year tenure as their head coach. Rescued from obscurity, the Badgers went to three Rose Bowls under Barry, and they won all three. Now the reins are handed over to Bret Bielema after one of the world’s shortest apprenticeships; it’s up to him to see if he can continue what Alvarez started.

Joining Wisconsin as successful programs replacing the coaches who got them to that point are West Virginia, Utah, and Florida. (Gator fans will tell you the whole R** Z*** thing never happened.)

We hope you’ve enjoyed this new feature, and that it will expand your football viewing pleasure. In the meantime, here’s a link to a bunch of spatula pictures.

FAIR WARNING

The next person who sends me an e-mail about how very early tomorrow morning it’ll be 01:02:03 on 04/05/06 will be strangled with a mouse cord. That is all.

I HERD THIS ON THE INTERNET . . .

Buried ‘neath a defense/well-measured criticism of Dick Vitale by ESPN ombudsman George Solomon is some commentary about a matter that was sweeping through the college football blogs about a week ago. It involves the uncredited use of material from The M Zone on Colin Cowherd’s ESPN radio show. The material, which was hilarious, was sent to the show without a proper attribution as to its source. Cowherd and his staff didn’t vet the material to see if it may have come from some source other than the author of the e-mail.

Solomon justifiably calls a foul on Cowherd, not the first time he’s done so:

A flap over ESPN radio host Colin Cowherd’s use of the “Collegiate Wonderlic Test” for potential NFL players on his March 22 show was the result of a listener e-mailing eight questions from the test to Cowherd without telling him the feature came from the blog, “The M Zone.”

Originators of the blog — created for Michigan football fans — were upset Cowherd did not credit the site.

“When I saw it, there was no attribution, and I thought it came from a listener,” Cowherd explained. “We get dozens of items like that a day.”

Some M Zoners were aggressive and abusive in their e-mail responses to Cowherd, who in turn, retorted by e-mail.

“I should not have responded that way,” Cowherd said. “I should keep what I do on the air. It was my fault.”

Four days later, Cowherd gave The M Zone credit for the item, satisfying M Zone creators.

My take: ESPN’s radio and television hosts need to be vigilant in what they say and report over the airwaves and know the source of what comes over the Internet. And whenever ESPN staffers respond to anyone, via e-mail or postal mail, they, of course, need to remember they’re representing ESPN.

It’s fair and correct to note that Cowherd should be more careful about the origins of any Internet material. But let’s not forget that the original violator of The M Zone’s intellectual property was the person who sent the OSU Wonderlic Test to Cowherd in the first place. By failing to indicate the source from which it was taken, the e-mailer at the very least denied The M Zone its due credit, and (if they sent it with absolutely no attribution) could conceivably be said to have tried to pass the work off as their own.

Again, Solomon’s right to call Cowherd on the carpet for this, and the folks over at The M Zone were well within their rights to complain (though the e-mailers who became abusive were, in my opinion, wrong to do so). But, speaking as one who’s had his own work forwarded back to him without attribution more than once, would it kill you, dear e-mailers, to always include a link back to the source of the material you quote in your e-mails? See what kind of trouble it can cause when you don’t do so?

Highlight/CTRL-C/CTRL-V. That’s all you have to do. But I don’t need to tell you that, since you knew how to quote my stuff in the first place.