THE BIG TEN SIMILARITIES ENGINE

It’s a long, long time until I’ll feel bold enough to put together this season’s Pickin’ On The Big Ten season preview, even if my official motto is “It’s never too early to be wrong.” Sure, spring football is ragin’ full on at the moment, but as we all know, the summer always brings plenty of arrests, academic ineligibilities and NCAA violations which make the task of predicting the conference fortunes a bit too daunting for my faint Lutheran heart. But it’s a long time until Julyish, and I feel the need to write something about football. Anything. Or at least anything that doesn’t require me to read recruiting boards.

I am well aware that several of my readers (assuming I still have several readers) are fans of the other, lesser conferences. Likewise, there are probably some Big Ten fans who would like to expand their horizons beyond the conference, if only because they’d like to appreciate those games played on Thursday and Saturday nights. So I’ve put together something I call the Big Ten Interconference Similarities Engine. This helpful document will aid both groups of college football fans by (a) providing ridiculously biased and unfair summaries of the current fortunes of the eleven Big Ten programs, and (b) giving examples of similar teams from other conferences, so Big Ten fans can figure out who in other conferences is most like their team, and fans from other conferences can figure out which Big Ten teams would be most similar overall to their own favorite teams. This will help both groups figure out which bandwagons to jump on–or off of, as the case may be.

As always, all opinions are my own, but for a small licensing fee, they can be yours as well.

ILLINOIS
Nickname: The Fighting Illini
Brief, unfair capsule description: Illinois was a BCS team as recently as 2001, but has fallen on hard times since then. Really hard times. Head coach Ron Zook, late of the Florida Gators, enters his second season in a league where improvement doesn’t necessarily show up in the year-end standings. The Illini last appeared in the Rose Bowl in 1984, the third-longest drought among Big Ten teams.

As a program which has recently swung from moderate success to misdirection and may not improve immediately, Illinois displays strong similarities with teams like Maryland, Pittsburgh, and Arkansas, all of which have also recently been considered “basketball schools.”

INDIANA
Nickname: Hoosiers
Brief, unfair capsule description: The quintessential basketball school, except the basketball hasn’t been that great recently, either. IU football has always suffered from being an ‘also-ran’. The Hoosiers’ first and last Rose Bowl appearance was in 1968 (they lost); they have not appeared in a bowl game since the 1993 Independence Bowl (they also lost). Head coach Terry Hoeppner is also entering his second season, again in a league where improvement doesn’t necessarily show up in the standings.

As an unabashed basketball school where football doesn’t seem to matter one whit, Indiana is overall similar to Duke, Wake Forest, Kentucky, Arizona, and Marquette, the last of which doesn’t even have a football team, of course.

IOWA
Nickname: Hawkeyes
Brief, unfair capsule description: As a football program constantly on the verge of breaking through to become ‘elite,’ yet never quite making a definitive statement in that regard, Iowa is the Big Ten equivalent of Tantalus. Coach Kirk Ferentz enters his eighth season helming the Hawks and his sixth season of rumors about his imminent departure to the NFL. The Hawkeyes have not been to the Rose Bowl since 1991, but have gone to a bowl game every year since 2001.

As a near-elite program that still can’t seem to win the conference outright, Iowa is quite similar to Kansas State, Clemson, and Louisville.

MICHIGAN
Nickname: Wolverines
Brief, unfair capsule description: One of the two traditional powers of Big Ten football, Michigan can boast of the sort of track record which leaves other college programs in the dust. And speaking of dust, that’s where Ohio State has left Michigan recently, a fact which is not lost on Wolverine fans. Even though Lloyd Carr, the dean of Big Ten football coaches, has won a national title at Michigan, he’s starting to feel the heat as inexplicable losses are beginning to mount. While the Wolverines have not missed the post-season since 1974, their last bowl win was four seasons ago, and worst of all, they’ve dropped four of their last five to Ohio State.

Michigan’s historical success coupled with current twitchiness pairs them nicely with such programs as Texas A&M, Miami (FL), Tennessee, and Nebraska.

MICHIGAN STATE
Nickname: Spartans
Brief, unfair capsule description: The Big Ten’s most bipolar program, Michigan State both wins and loses a lot of games they shouldn’t. Coach John L. Smith enters this season perhaps under the most pressure of any Big Ten coach, helming a team which hasn’t been to the Rose Bowl since 1988 (Lorenzo White!), hasn’t won a bowl game since 2001 (the Silicon Valley Classic), and hasn’t been to the post season since 2003.

With Sparty’s record of never quite seeming to gel, but never being truly hopeless on the football field, they share a distinct affinity with Missouri, Arizona State, Colorado State and Akron.

MINNESOTA
Nickname: Golden Gophers
Brief, unfair capsule description: It’s hard to believe now, but at one time, Minnesota was a national powerhouse in college football. Unfortunately, it was so long ago, the only person who remembers it is Minneapolis Star-Tribune columnist Sid Hartman. The Gophers have not been to the Rose Bowl since 1962, the longest current drought of any Big Ten team–no, it’s not Indiana. Head coach Glen Mason got a contract extension last season, though many Gopher fans are now questioning whether Mason can truly lead them to one of the top three or four positions in the conference. (Moving up to the actual top would require a huge investment in facilities; while plans for a new on-campus football stadium continue apace, funds to improve other facilities may be a long time coming.)

As a once-mighty program which now doesn’t even have its own stadium, Minnesota is unique, but fans of Syracuse, SMU, Army, and Washington can probably feel their pain.

NORTHWESTERN
Nickname: Wildcats
Brief, unfair capsule description: Until a decade ago, Northwestern football was spoken about in the same tones as the Betamax VCR. Northwestern’s only function in the conference seemed to be as a perennial homecoming opponent for the other teams. All that changed when Gary Barnett put together a couple incredible seasons . . . and then left to take over Colorado football. While Randy Walker hasn’t quite matched his predecessor’s overachievement, he has made Northwestern into the Big Ten’s biggest X factor, a team which, if you catch them on the wrong day, can beat absolutely anybody. While they haven’t been to the Rose Bowl since that magical ‘95 season, they’ve gone bowling two of the last three years . . and gotten stomped flat both times, but hey, they’ve gone.

Northwestern’s inexplicable recent success aligns them with Oregon State, Texas Tech, and TCU.

OHIO STATE
Nickname: Buckeyes
Brief, unfair capsule description: The other ‘overdog’ in the Big Ten, Ohio State has recently risen from near-mediocrity to become one of the very few programs which football fans can always expect to be a player on the national scene. Jim Tressel hit the ground running. Not even a plethora of off-the-field incidents have been able to keep the Buckeyes down. The 2002 national champs have absolutely been on a roll.

Other teams which have recently ‘broken the rock’ include Texas, Virginia Tech, and LSU.

PENN STATE
Nickname: Nittany Lions
Brief, unfair capsule description: How quickly things change. Two years ago, it seemed that Joe Paterno, who simply is Penn State football, was hanging around the game too long after it had passed him by. Then last season the Nits put together a fantastic season that, but for a last-second loss at Michigan, might have found them playing for another national title. Since joining the Big Ten in 1994, Penn State has gone to the Rose Bowl once and won or shared the conference title twice.

If you want to see another program with a well-established coach shaking up a recently-joined conference, look to Florida State. There’s really no one else comparable.

PURDUE
Nickname: Boilermakers
Brief, unfair capsule description: The Boilers have known historic highs and lows recently. Joe Tiller led the team to their first Rose Bowl appearance in almost 35 years after the 2001 season, but the past couple years have seen astonishing underachievement from what always seems on paper to be a tremendously talented team. While Purdue has never really been considered one of the conference’s elite programs, like Northwestern, they’re always a team you look past at your own risk. However, last season broke their streak of eight consecutive bowl appearances.

Other teams that you can never really count in or out include North Carolina State, Colorado, California, and Fresno State.

WISCONSIN
Nickname: Badgers
Brief, unfair capsule description: The Badgers were thoroughly rejuvenated by Barry Alvarez’s fifteen-year tenure as their head coach. Rescued from obscurity, the Badgers went to three Rose Bowls under Barry, and they won all three. Now the reins are handed over to Bret Bielema after one of the world’s shortest apprenticeships; it’s up to him to see if he can continue what Alvarez started.

Joining Wisconsin as successful programs replacing the coaches who got them to that point are West Virginia, Utah, and Florida. (Gator fans will tell you the whole R** Z*** thing never happened.)

We hope you’ve enjoyed this new feature, and that it will expand your football viewing pleasure. In the meantime, here’s a link to a bunch of spatula pictures.