TBP DRAFT REVIEW

With the NFL draft now completed, it’s time to turn our attentions to the Monday morning GMing that always follows. While nearly all experts agree this wasn’t a great draft talent-wise, there were still a lot of things going on behind the scenes that made for an intriguing weekend. Forthwith, let’s break down things on a team-by-team basis.

AFC EAST

Buffalo: Shocked everyone by drafting Ohio State’s Donte Whitner with the #8 overall pick. Most mock drafts had Whitner going to Home Depot in the ninth round.
Miami: Didn’t really draft any ‘name’ players, which goes along with Nick Saban’s philosophy of making sure his name is the only one associated with any team he coaches. They may want to think about drafting a microsurgeon, though.
New England: Made some curious, obscure choices, which were immediately hailed as brilliant selections because Bill Belichick was involved. Drafted two tight ends and a top-notch receiver (Chad Jackson, Florida) to go with a decent running back (Minnesota’s Laurence Maroney). But all those guys went before the sixth round, so they’re far too talented to play for New England, at least not until they’ve already worn out their welcomes somewhere else.
New York Jets: D’Brickashaw Ferguson was a great choice for the Jets. He should start immediately at left tackle, which means Chad Pennington will blow out a knee in a week 1 crushing sack, then Patrick Ramsey will do the same in week 2, meaning that the Kellen Clemens era should start in week 3. Unless Brook Bollinger pulls a Drew Brees, that is.

AFC NORTH

Baltimore: Still playing their game of ‘Three Defenses in Search of an Offense,’ the Ravens took a dink-and-dunk approach to the draft, sort of addressing their needs. If they wind up landing Steve McNair, as everyone thinks they will, then Brian Billick will be officially down one excuse for his miserable offense.
Cincinnati: Marvin Lewis’ squad picked up the shutdown corner they needed, two wide receivers they didn’t need, a quarterback they won’t know what to do with, the requisite Troubled Florida State Seminole, and some dude named ‘Frostee.’ All in all, a typical Bengals draft.
Cleveland: Drafted two defensive linemen for the 2009 Denver Broncos.
Pittsburgh: The reigning world champions desperately needed to replace Antwaan Randle-El, but an overachieving quarterback from a dreadful Big Ten team wasn’t available. (Drew Stanton opted to return to Michigan State, after all.) Santonio Holmes will be a nice threat to take some of the defensive pressure off Hines Ward. They could still use a little help in the defensive backfield, but couldn’t we all?

AFC SOUTH

Houston: Hey, you never know . . . Wali Lundy could have a better NFL career than Reggie Bush. But I’m willing to be Mario Williams won’t.
Indianapolis: With Edge gone and the Triplets broken up (heck, even Larry Triplett is gone), the Colts drafted for depth. This should make them the deepest and most talented team to not win a Super Bowl since the early ’90s Bills.
Jacksonville: With only five picks, the Jags did OK. At least they got a decent backup for Fred ‘The Fragile Porcelain Running Back’ Taylor.
Tennessee: I don’t know if they shocked the world by picking Vince Young over Matt Leinart, but I’m sure they shocked their offensive coordinator. The Titans should now have the components of a good defense for the future, but the present may still be a little hairy for the offense.

AFC WEST

Denver: The real news here is the arrival of Javon Walker from Green Bay, proving that, while Shanahan’s been in Denver for a decade, he’s still coaching the Raiders. Jay Cutler will someday be at least an alright QB . . . maybe he needs to spend a couple years in the insurance industry like Denver’s last first-round QB did, though.

Kansas City: I will stand on the street corner and eat a live, angry, buttered weasel if you don’t read the two following Joe Posnanski columns between now and the next Super Bowl: one about the great, inspiring story of Tamba Hali, and one about how, no matter what, the Chiefs never address their real needs in the draft, which makes you wonder if anybody in Chiefs management knows what’s wrong with their football team.
Oakland: It fell to the Raiders to draft this year’s ‘Mr. Irrelevant.’ Or, as he’s known in the Bay Area, ‘Oakland’s general manager.’
San Diego: Drafted a cornerback, Antonie Cromartie, who didn’t play football in 2005, giving him something in common with the other Charger CBs. Also fired a warning shot across the bow of the SS Nate Kaeding . . . of course, it was wide right.

NFC EAST

Dallas: Addressed their problems at tackle by drafting a couple 7th-round guys. But you just know that their biggest problems this year won’t be at tackle.
New York Giants: Mathias Kiwanuka. Sinorice Moss. Gerris Wilkinson. Barry Cofield Jr. Guy Whimper. Charlie Peprah. Gerrick McPherson. Who knows if the Giants drafted any football players, but man, did they draft some names!
Philadelphia: Brodrick Bunkley will fill their hole at defensive tackle, while Jeremy Bloom will fill their need at outrageously flamboyant wide receiver.
Washington: A small draft. But who cares? Draft picks are for the proles. They’re not nearly expensive enough for Dan Snyder.

NFC NORTH

Chicago: All in all, a good draft, though the sixth round selection of an orthopedic surgeon only make sense when you remember that shipping container full of artificial knees they signed in free agency.
Detroit: You can tell it was a weak draft for wide receivers if the Lions didn’t draft any. Matt Millen can confidently enter the fifth year of his three-year plan knowing that he finally has a running back who’s about 30% as good as Barry Sanders.
Green Bay: The selection of Ingle Martin should send a loud, clear message to Green Bay fans that it’s time to move on: The Craig Nall era is officially over.
Minnesota: Apart from Chad Greenway, this wasn’t a great draft for the Vikings, meaning that this year’s ‘Hot Wings buffet and sudoku puzzle contest’ rookie cruise won’t be the only time the first-year Vikings disappoint.

NFC SOUTH

Atlanta: Another team with only five picks. When are we all going to admit that Michael Vick isn’t exactly working out like planned?
Carolina: How can a team with the Panthers’ record of success always be underrated? Look at their draft; they may have had the best weekend of anyone. It was so good I can’t even think of something suitably arch to say here.
New Orleans: You really think Reggie Bu$h i$ $uper-happy that he’$ playing for the $aint$ thi$ $ea$on? $omething tell$ me he’$ not. But he should be glad that he got drafted by a team that won’t expect him to turn everything around instantly.
Tampa Bay: Alan Zemaitis in the fourth round looks like a steal. His mere presence drops the average age of the Bucs secondary by twelve years.

NFC WEST

Arizona: Much is being made about the fact that Matt ‘Strictly Ballroom’ Leinart could’ve gone first overall to San Francisco last year. How happy do you think he is that the Cardinals played just well enough to draft him this year? Oh well, at least in Arizona he’ll have plenty of covered receivers to almost throw the ball to in the 2.75 seconds he’ll have before getting buried beneath every defensive end in the league.
St. Louis: Did a good job of meeting their most pressing needs, plus Scott Linehan gets an automatic one-year mulligan as a new head coach. This draft could be enough to put the Rams back in the playoffs. There’s really nothing pithy to say here, either.
San Francisco: Drafted the best tight end in the draft and three wideouts. It’s so cute how they think the problem with last season was that Alex Smith didn’t have anybody to throw the ball to.
Seattle: Didn’t really have any tremendous needs, other than the next Steve Hutchinson, which they may or may not have drafted. I wonder how the whole Nate Burleson Revenge Signing is going to work out, though.