IT’S THE TRUTH

Some of you know this already, but I’ve started writing for The Truth About Cars, a website I’ve read and loved for the past couple years. My first two pieces are up on the site now. You can read this one about the sad state of domestic-brand subcompacts, or this one about what that first car means to high school kid. I am hopeful there will be more.

CARSPOTTING, 06/22

Spotted the other night at W*l-M*rt: an early 90s Olds Cutlass Ciera with a spoiler on the back. I’d ask “Who you tryin’ to kid, other than yourself?”, but if my experience with a nearly-identical Buick Century is any indication, a rear wing on a Ciera may serve another, more practical purpose; namely, the extra weight is probably the only thing keeping the trunk closed.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: How GM survived past 1995 is a mystery to me.

THE HAT SQUAD

Me ‘n the youngest at the Milwaukee Zoo a couple weeks ago:

A BRUSH WITH FAME, TOO CLOSE TO THE FLAME

You may not remember where you were twenty years ago today, but I do: I was at the University of Maryland. I was there, as were a lot of teenagers, as part of the 1986 National History Day competition.

The Iowa contigent rolled into town that morning, after a lengthy bus ride and a few stop-offs at suitably historic sites. We immediately knew Something Was Up by the great number of TV live trucks milling about campus. We were pretty sure they weren’t there to cover National History Day.

Soon the bus driver told us what the fuss was all about. Len Bias, the brilliant Terrapin net-finder, was dead of a cocaine overdose. He’d just been drafted by . . . aw, crikey, you know the story. What none of us history geeksbuffs could figure out was why everybody kept calling Bias’ death a tragedy.

Mind you, it was tragic that such a promising player was gone so soon. Nobody would dispute that then or now. What puzzled us was how a cocaine overdose could in any way be thought of as unfortunate. It was the Just Say No 80s. The message was out. People could and occasionally did overdose on drugs. Many, like Bias, ignored the risks and used drugs anyway. How could you feel sorry for them? How could you lament the loss of somebody who had everything to live for and everything to be happy about but then decided, “Hey, this could be better!” It may sound heartless to hear we thought that way, but fourteen-year-old intellectuals are not exactly known for their compassion.

The odds are overwhelming that more than a few of us supposedly smart persons on that bus ultimately ignored the lesson we learned from Len Bias and a cemetary of other heroes. Not me, personally, but I’m as sure that some of my busmates went on to use drugs later as I am that probably one or two of them already had back in ‘86.

Even now in my mid-30s I still remember that day. I still remember seeing my first media circus up close. And I still have a hard time feeling sorry for Len Bias. For his family and friends, sure. For Terrapin and Celtic fans, maybe a little. But for him personally? It’s like the old parable about the woman who rescues the snake that sweet-talks her with promises of kindness. When the snake eventually bites her and she protests, the snake replies, “You knew what I was when you picked me up.”

CARSPOTTING, 06/12 (AGAIN, LATE)

Spotted Monday afternoon in Mason City, Iowa: a Chevy Citation four-door. I can’t honestly think of the last time I saw one of these, running or not.

As a non-upwardly-mobile teen driver in the late 80s, it’s not a question of if I had a Citation; it’s a question of what color it was. Dark brown, if you must know.

BEHIND THE SCENES

Work continues apace on the Pickin’ on the Big Ten season preview, which I hope will be the best ever (not that there’s a lot of competition). While I know POTBT is, as one message-board anonymite put it, “more clever than insightful” (a criticism that fits me as well), I really do put a fair amount of research into it.

The Runs Good site I promised you over a year ago is slowly being bolted together as well. A couple features are in the bag. A couple more long, ambitious features are coming together as well. Summer is a bit of a slowdown time for me; maybe I can find a little more time to write.

And maybe it’ll rain coffee and donuts tomorrow morning at 10:30.

CARSPOTTING, 06/07

Spotted on the way home from church tonight: What appeared to be an early-90s Ford Escort wagon. I say “appeared to be” because there was not actually enough of the car remaining to make a positive ID. But I thought I recognized the basic body contours (wait, Contours were different cars) and that semi-hideous tealish green that blighted 75% of all Escorts in the early 90s.

The car was missing its:

• Front bumper
• Headlights
• Grille
• Hood
• Windshield
• Seat belts
• Window glass . . . all of it
• Roof
• Right rear door
• Tailgate
• Rear bumper
• Exhaust system

In addition, the three remaining doors were all bent in particularly obscene fashions. It looked like something out of “Planes, Trains, and Automobiles.”

I kid you not. This thing was an engine, a transmission, three doors, at least one working brake, and a floorpan, rolling down the road under its own power. I only wish I’d had a camera with me. Not so much because I’m afraid you won’t believe me; I’m worried that tomorrow morning I won’t believe what I know I saw.

Clearly this isn’t anybody’s daily driver. It was probably being ferried to one of the local elephant graveyards. But I can’t help but imagine that maybe somebody bought it, thinking, “Well, it just needs a little work . . .”

TEN OFT-REPEATED LIES

1. “Your call is important to us.” Hey, I answer important calls.
2. “You can’t take away from what [NAME OF OPPOSING SPORTS TEAM] did out there today.” Translation: “Yes, it was a horrible call, one which completely changed the tenor of the game. But if I speak my mind, I’ll get fined a Lexus GS400.”
3. “The American people demand leadership from us on this issue.” Has any president or his minions ever said this about something which (a) went against his stated stance, thus indicating that the president has reconsidered his previous opinion, or (b) was NOT some tarted-up controversy designed to provide ammunition for mid-term election races?
4. “Sauce will thicken upon standing” . . . for a few hours, in Antartica. Otherwise, you could drink your side dish with a straw.
5. “Easy assembly. Tools included.” The assembly is usually only easy if you don’t use the included tools, unless you think a box wrench stamped out of an old Mr. Pibb can will tighten more than one nut more than halfway.
6. “On any given Saturday, any team can beat any other team in college football.” Upsets do happen, but I’ve gotten a consistent 80% win rate by going with conventional wisdom.
7. “Soccer sucks.” Go to a game in person sometime and see if you still think so. No, it’s not as exciting as American football, but it’s not nearly as bad as that vast nation of Morning Zoo listeners would have you believe.
8. “We’d be driving 100 MPG cars if not for collusion between the Big Three automakers and Big Oil.” Suuuuure. That’s why GM’s been flirting with bankruptcy for months and has seen its market share dwindle to less than half of what it used to be. All these interlocking directorates are running the second-largest company in the country into the ground just so there’s no cheap gas. Trust me: if there was 100 MPG technology out there, somebody would be trying to put it on the market right now.
9. “I’m sorry, I can’t do that for you.” I know the difference between the words “can’t” and “won’t.”
10. “Lists of ten things are stupid and outdated.” This one might be, but I still dig the Top 10s and Top 100s.

CARSPOTTING, 06/05 (BUT LATE)

Spotted whilst dropping off Daughter 1.0 at school yesterday morning: an Isuzu Axiom, the last Isuzu you could buy in the US that wasn’t just a rebadged General Motors product.

That’s a little ironic when you consider that Isuzu got its start in the US by building Chevies, specfically, the atrociously-named Chevy Luv (1972-1981). Isuzu also built a few Buicks, after a fashion: the “Opel Isuzu” which was later sold under Isuzu’s own name as the I-Mark. Isuzu also produced the little-remembered Chevy/Geo Spectrum from 1985 through 1989.

Trucks have always been Isuzu’s métier, however. They even managed to snag Honda as a customer. The Honda Passport was naught but a rebadged Isuzu Rodeo. The Isuzu Trooper maintains a considerable cult following . . . and then there’s this thing,, which appears to be styled after a dental appliance which once frightened Lisa Simpson.

But let’s face it . . . this is what we remember Isuzu for:

CARSPOTTING, 6/1

Saw a Pontiac T1000–the utterly redundant version of the Chevette–on the drive home today. This one looked to be a survivor, with nice, glossy paint the approximate color of pork gravy.

I’ve always loved what Consumer Guide had to say about the Chevette back in the day: “Millions of people bought Chevettes, and millions of people were happy with them.” They went on to explain that just about any subcompact was a better choice than the Chevette, but if it was all you could afford, it beat walking. And I guess that explains my weird, grudging affection for Chevettes. They promised little, but they made good on all that they promised.

I had a classmate/co-worker once who, in the mid ’90s, was still driving his ‘83 Chevette and feeling a little self-conscious about it. I pointed out to him that there weren’t all that many American cars of the early ’80s which could even last a dozen years. He should’ve been proud to have squeezed so much life out of a humble car. I think he actually was proud, but he was afraid to admit that an ‘83 Chevette suited his needs so well.

I’m sure by now he’s driving the nice extended-cab pickup he wanted . . . and I bet it’s a Chevy.