TEN OFT-REPEATED LIES

1. “Your call is important to us.” Hey, I answer important calls.
2. “You can’t take away from what [NAME OF OPPOSING SPORTS TEAM] did out there today.” Translation: “Yes, it was a horrible call, one which completely changed the tenor of the game. But if I speak my mind, I’ll get fined a Lexus GS400.”
3. “The American people demand leadership from us on this issue.” Has any president or his minions ever said this about something which (a) went against his stated stance, thus indicating that the president has reconsidered his previous opinion, or (b) was NOT some tarted-up controversy designed to provide ammunition for mid-term election races?
4. “Sauce will thicken upon standing” . . . for a few hours, in Antartica. Otherwise, you could drink your side dish with a straw.
5. “Easy assembly. Tools included.” The assembly is usually only easy if you don’t use the included tools, unless you think a box wrench stamped out of an old Mr. Pibb can will tighten more than one nut more than halfway.
6. “On any given Saturday, any team can beat any other team in college football.” Upsets do happen, but I’ve gotten a consistent 80% win rate by going with conventional wisdom.
7. “Soccer sucks.” Go to a game in person sometime and see if you still think so. No, it’s not as exciting as American football, but it’s not nearly as bad as that vast nation of Morning Zoo listeners would have you believe.
8. “We’d be driving 100 MPG cars if not for collusion between the Big Three automakers and Big Oil.” Suuuuure. That’s why GM’s been flirting with bankruptcy for months and has seen its market share dwindle to less than half of what it used to be. All these interlocking directorates are running the second-largest company in the country into the ground just so there’s no cheap gas. Trust me: if there was 100 MPG technology out there, somebody would be trying to put it on the market right now.
9. “I’m sorry, I can’t do that for you.” I know the difference between the words “can’t” and “won’t.”
10. “Lists of ten things are stupid and outdated.” This one might be, but I still dig the Top 10s and Top 100s.