PICKIN’ ON THE BIG TEN, v2006.02

I am really mad at Colorado this week. Mind you, I’m none too pleased with Duke and New Mexico either, but neither of those schools has ever made much noise in the world of college football. Colorado has a national title. Colorado thinks of itself as among the college football elite. And Colorado lost to Montana State–a not-especially-noteworthy Division I-AA team–last week.

It’s bad enough that the new permanent twelve-game schedule ensures that just about every I-A team will play a I-AA opponent every year. We all recognize those games for what they are: Purchased victories. A bowl-game insurance policy should a 3-5 conference season be in the offing. The moral equivalent of the fourth NFL preseason game, when you can watch the guys who won’t play for the Panthers taking on the guys who won’t play for the Jets. These games may make the fan base feel good, but as we’re fond of saying around here, competition creates competitors.

Back in the day (y’know, back when I was single and childless), there was a companion to Pickin’ On The Big Ten, known as Pickin’ On The Big XII. In that column, I used to mock Kansas State and its gunshy head coach, Bill Snyder, for their abject refusal to play any challenging opponents in the non-conference season. Every year, come November or so, the K-State Wildcats would puke up the cupcakes they’d devoured for their non-conference breakfast. It was as predictable as a game on ESPN Classic. So far as I know, the phrase ‘competition creates competitors’ is my creation, and it was born out of Kansas State’s old scheduling practices. Obviously, I’m not a fan of high-level teams playing I-AA opponents, and that goes trebly for playing a directional school from your own state.

Now Colorado has gone and mucked it all up. Not only will these leave-the-check-on-the-nightstand contests continue unabated, now they almost seem defensible. Bowl-hungry athletic directors can point to CU v. Montana State (2006) as justification for bringing Mr. Stephen’s Cosmetology School or the Jerry Reed Trucking Institute to town for a non-conference matchup. “Hey, this isn’t what you think it is. Sometimes these I-AA schools can be surprisingly tough.”

I can buy Ball State versus Indiana State or Temple versus Rhode Island. Those are almost matches of equals. But the I-AA slumming is ultimately bad for college football. It encourages fans to live in their own little ghettoes, walled off from the rest of the Greatest Sport On Earth. “Ohio State at Texas? Can’t watch it. The Western Illinois/Wisconsin game is on ESPN8, and I want to hear the postgame on the radio.”

Gary Barnett, Colorado’s last head coach, certainly did his part to set back football, both at CU and in general. But that one silly game last weekend may have done more damage to big-time college football than anyone realizes. That’s not to take anything away from Montana State, who certainly deserve to revel in their wonderful victory. It’s just that the Buffs have now guaranteed us an eternity of pastry-eating contests during the month of September.

And speaking of pastry, while only two Big Ten schools are doing the I-AA Walk Of Shame, there’s still plenty on the conference slate to not look forward to this weekend.

ILLINOIS @ RUTGERS

The Angry Indigenous Woodlands People are fresh off a thorough pounding of one of those aforementioned I-AA directional schools from their own state. Rutgers got a tough road win last week over North Carolina. UNC is not exactly a great team, but still, ‘competition creates competitors.’ This could be a pretty good game, but Illinois wasn’t tested last week and probably won’t be fully ready for Rutgers.

INDIANA “@” BALL STATE

I guess I should be careful about putting the “@” in quotes. It’s entirely possible there are more fans of Ball State football than Indiana football. These two Hoosier State schools took on opposite ends of Michigan last week with nearly identical results: Indiana beat Western Michigan 39-20, while Ball State beat perennial sad-sack Eastern Michigan 38-20. Of course, for Ball State, it was a conference game. The Cardinals allowed EMU’s quarterback(!) Tyler Jones to rush for 164 yards in the victory, which doesn’t bode well for their chances against IU.

IOWA @ SYRACUSE

Syracuse, despite breaking the arm of Wake Forest QB Benjamin Mauk, wound up losing to the Demon Deacons in a game where the Orange mustered only 50 yards of passing and 152 yards of total offense. However, the ‘Cuse did manage to score a touchdown, their first since 1974. It’s entirely possible that Syracuse might catch the Hawks looking ahead to next week’s grudge match with the Iowa State Cyclopaths, but even so, a distracted Hawkeye team should–should–be able to win this game without much difficulty. Or at least that’s what I’m hoping.

CENTRAL MICHIGAN @ MICHIGAN

Go ahead, try to argue that CMU isn’t a directional school because ‘Central’ isn’t a direction. You could make a more compelling argument that Central didn’t play directionally last week, giving Boston College all they wanted. There’s still plenty of seats on the Brian Kelly Greatness Express, but the Chippewas are still a season or two away from being competitive in games like this. They could make some noise in the MAC, though. As for Michigan? It’s much too early to tell if beating Vandy 27-7 is cause for rejoicing or concern. And this game won’t tell us very much either.

EASTERN MICHIGAN @ GOOD OL’ SIX-AND-FIVE

There’s no doubt about EMU’s directionality, of course. But apparently they’ve got a QB as mobile as Drew Stanton. Lest you grow concerned that Sparty only beat relegation-candidate Idaho by 10 last week, remember: Dennis Erickson. He’s a pretty not-too-bad college football coach. Since this is a minor, easily winnable game, there’s every chance Sparty will blow this one. It’s not likely, though.

MINNESOTA @ CALIFORNIA

We’ve always suspected Minnesota didn’t really play defense. Who knew about Cal? Pretty much everybody, it turns out. It’s never a good sign when one of the main features on SportsCenter is a couple analysts pointing out specific examples of how awful your pass defense was last week, but that’s what happened to Jeff Tedford’s team. That makes the Gophers a tempting pick to pull off the road upset. Here’s three reasons that won’t happen, though:

1. Minnesota only attempted 14 passes against Kent State last week. Cal’s rush defense probably won’t be so porous, although they weren’t exactly solid against Tennessee last week.
2. Though he’s a perfectly serviceable Big Ten quarterback, Bryan Cupito is no Erik Ainge.
3. The Gopher D gave up over 300 yards of offense to Kent State. I repeat: Kent State. Jeff Tedford may have lots to learn on the other side of the ball, but do you really think his offense won’t find a way to exploit that sort of defense?

NEW HAMPSHIRE @ NORTHWESTERN

Top Cat! The most effectual Top Cat! Whose intellectual close friends get to call him T.C., providing it’s with dignity. Top Cat! The indisputable leader of the gang. He’s the boss, he’s a pip, he’s the championship. He’s the most tip top, Top Cat.

OHIO STATE @ TEXAS

Yeah, I guess this game is a little significant. Where do you begin with it, though? Nowhere–SI’s Stewart Mandel has already covered all the reasons why this game is completely unpickable. It boils down to playmakers and atmosphere when teams are this evenly matched. After careful consideration and econometric analysis (coin flip), I’m taking tOSU’s playmakers over Texas’ home field advantage. Which, let’s face it, is the mirror image of what happened last year.

PENN STATE @ NOTRE DAME

Uh, this game is a little big, too. There’s much speculation that the Golden Domers got exposed by Georgia Tech last week, even though ND held on to win the game. What I saw was a good ND defense closing off a highly-experienced GT quarterback. This will be Anthony Morelli’s first road start for the Nits . . . and he has to do it right underneath Touchdown Jesus. I think PSU’s stout defense will continue the derailment of Brady Quinn’s Heisman campaign, but it would be as much a mistake to underrate the Notre Dame defense as it would be to overrate the Penn State offense. I’m less sure of this than I am of tOSU over Texas, but I’m liking Notre Dame, though they’ll be lucky to get out of this one alive.

FAKE MIAMI @ PURDUE

Speaking of wobbly performances against teams one ought not be playing in the first place, Purdue did manage to rack up 60 points and almost 500 yards of total offense against Indiana State last week. What’s wobbly about that? Nothing. But the 379 yards of offense and 30 points given up by the Boiler D is a HUGE red flag. The Sycamores nearly matched the Boilermakers in yards per rush (4.6 v. 4.8). It’s a good thing Fake Miami couldn’t run the ball at all against Northwestern last week, or I would be forced to pick them over Tiller’s Killers.

WESTERN ILLINOIS @ WISCONSIN

Hey there where ya goin’, not exactly knowin’, who says you have to call just one place home. He’s goin’ everywhere, B.J. McKay and his best friend Bear. He just keeps on movin’, ladies keep improvin’, every day is better than the last. New dreams and better scenes, and best of all I don’t pay property tax. Rollin’ down to Dallas, who’s providin’ my palace, off to New Orleans or who knows where. Places new and ladies, too, I’m B.J. McKay and this is my best friend Bear.

. . . so does it get any better next week?

• Syracuse @ Illinois: Last chance at a victory all season for both teams?
• Southern Illinois @ Indiana: Directional, but out of state.
• Iowa State @ Iowa: McCartney : Ferentz :: Ferentz : Paterno
• Michigan @ Notre Dame: Somebody’s season ends here
• Michigan State @ Pittsburgh: Wannstedt always did well against the Lions
• Temple @ Minnesota: Owl: It’s what’s for dinner
• Eastern Michigan @ Northwestern: EMU should just join the Big Ten and get it over with
• Cincinnati @ Ohio State: TRAP GAME!
• Youngstown State @ Penn State: Egads
• Ball State @ Purdue: Very losable for Pete
• San Diego State @ Wisconsin: Chuck Long always did well in Madison