PICKIN’ ON THE BIG TEN, v2006.06

Sorry this is late. I just had to make sure John L. Smith still had a job before I got around to making these picks.

So we went 5-1 last week, mostly because we were totally flummoxed by the Sparty Logic Tree. The “incidences of Sparty being Sparty” file on the powerful POTBT supercomputer has now grown to 134KB . . . and it’s a plain-text file. That makes us 40-6 on the season (87%) and leaves us one game ahead of CFN, who can’t predict Sparty’s next psychotic episode any better than we can.

After a powerfully hyped under-the-lights showdown that turned out to be more like the typical dog/hydrant exchange, this week’s schedule of games is considerably more sedate. And that’s being generous. Some of these games won’t out-thrill a rerun of “Booknotes” on C-SPAN2. We begin, though, with the game that’s got all America talking . . .

. . . ILLINOIS @ INDIANA

When I was a younger man, “Clash of the Titans” was one of my favorite movies. Granted, it was little more than a sick Hollywood mashup of too many tales from Greek mythology, but it had everything a really bad mythology epic needed: a pantheon of deeply troubled gods, multiple scary monsters, a tragic hero marked for death, Judi Bowker’s bathtub scene . . . but I digress. The main reason it was one of my favorite movies is because it was on HBO thirteen times a week, along with “If You Could See What I Hear” (starring a pre-”Beastmaster” Marc Singer) and “The Terry Fox Story” (memorable quote: “I’ll take everything on the left side of the menu, and a vanilla milkshake.”) Why does this game remind me of “Clash of the Titans,” you may ask? Just like the movie, this game features a tragic hero (Isiah “Juice” Williams, a fine quarterback tragically cursed to play for the Illini), and a bunch of freakishly animated creatures standing around trying to look threatening. Can Illinois build off the incredible momentum from last week’s shocking upset of Michigan State? Doesn’t matter. IU isn’t playing very well right now. Not at all.

PURDUE @ IOWA

Speaking of horror flicks, here’s two teams that went walking down by the lake after midnight. E. Gads. Purdue got flattened by Notre Dame, extending their season-long defensive dyspepsia. Purdue now leads only Ball State among all Division I-A teams in pass defense.

Now comes a quarterback seeking to redeem his name. Drew Tate wasn’t especially wonderful in last week’s game. Chatter about his strained abdominals has increased, as Tate has yet to dominate a game. This would be a good place to start.

Iowa comes into this game as a good but not exceptional team. Purdue comes in with serious strength on one side of the ball and serious weakness on the other. Would you rather be slightly better than OK at everything you do, or be really great at one thing and kind of rotten at a lot of others? I know what I’d pick, but then, I don’t play football.

MICHIGAN STATE @ MICHIGAN

>run SPARTY.EXE

ERR: Bad command or file name
(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore, (F)ail?

>f

ERR: Failure not an option

>logout

Save changes before exit? (y/n)

>y

File ‘FIRECOCH.EXE’ saved. Goodbye.

PENN STATE @ MINNESOTA

Apropos of nothing, I’ve been to the bathrooms at the Metrodome.

BOWLING GREEN @ OHIO STATE

Bowling Green, actually, has a pretty good defense. Or at least it used to seem that way.

NORTHWESTERN @ WISCONSIN

We’ve done gone and saved the best for last, just like a good host should. Good hosts is one thing Wisky will be trying not to be. Northwestern has beaten the Badgers three of the last four times they’ve played, including their last two visits to Camp Randall. But two of those three wins have been in high-scoring games. Last year these two teams combined for 99 points. This year, Northwestern many not score 99 points for the whole season. Wisconsin will look pretty good in this game, just like they did last week. You know, when they played Indiana.

Next week’s games:

• Ohio @ Illinois: a/k/a the ‘Save My Reputation’ Bowl
• Iowa @ Indiana: Steve Alford has his revenge . . . but on who?
• Ohio State @ Michigan State: This will be the one Sparty wins
• Purdue @ Northwestern: Half of a good game
• Michigan @ Penn State: League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
• Minnesota @ Wisconsin: Great game, if it was hockey