PICKIN’ ON THE BIG TEN, V2006.07

We’ve had one of those periodic Real Life Intrusion Incidents around TBP Headquarters this week, so we apologize in advance if this week’s picks lack the zazz and verve of previous installments. We promise to do better next time, assuming we ever again get six hours of uninterrupted sleep.

Anyway, we biffed on the Indiana/Illinois game last week, but who knew? We correctly predicted Penn State would get over on Minnesota, but failed to recognize that it would take a major refereeing hose job to pull it off. But at least now the Penn State fans can’t whine that the Big Ten refs hate them and always call against the Nits. It’s just a shame that it had to happen to Minnesota in their home stadium place where they play their games. CFN took the Gophers, and also picked Illinois over Indiana, so we now have a two-game lead over them. For the season, we’re 45-7 for a pretty not-too-bad 86.5%.

Now, on to the picks, before I pitch face first on the keyboard.

OHIO @ ILLINOIS

A/K/A “Extreme Makeover, Reputation Edition.” First you have Illinois, home of [NAME REDACTED]*, who followed up a great (or at least seemingly great) win over Michigan State with a last-second pants-blasting loss to Indiana. ‘Cross the field stands Frank Solich, the elfin ex-Husker coach whose Bobcat team has one quality win (Northern Illinois) and one perplexing loss (Bowling Green?). OU (but not that OU) is a little suspect against the pass. Illinois is a little suspect against competition. As for me, I remember watching the ‘96 Fiesta Bowl. If [NAME REDACTED] has any Gator karma left, he’ll use it to exact some distant, shirt-tale revenge against the man who also wasn’t a head coach in that game.

IOWA @ INDIANA

See, here’s the other reason this is so late and so lame. From Wednesday night to about 9 this morning my pick for this game read “Here’s two teams that picked up badly-needed wins last week.” Now, clearly, you know what I mean. But when doesn’t a football team need a win? Has there ever been a situation where a victorious coach said in a post game interview “This win is utterly meaningless and I don’t see how it affects our season in the slightest”? Granted, every Big Ten team plays two or three non-conference games every season after which their coaches could and should say that, because what difference does it make how many points you beat East Central Southwestern Northeast Michigan by? ($1.06 to whomever can figure out which Michigan school that would actually be.)

Anyway, it was great for Indiana to rally late and beat Illinois, and it was great for the Hawkeyes to paste Purdue to the side of the barn, even if Iowa did fumble four times and lose three. It’s now definitely mid-October, though, and it’s time for the Hawks to stop fooling around and start playing football. Indiana just might get there under Terry Hoeppner, but it seems to me I’ve been calling for a big IU rally every year since 2002, and it hasn’t happened yet. I’m going to guess Iowa will run the ball extensively against the Hoosiers, doing their best to make sure this game (a) is over by halftime, and (b) stays over.

OHIO STATE @ MICHIGAN STATE

Sparty can’t win this game, so they have to, except that if they have to win this game, that means it’s guaranteed that they will win this game, but if there’s no possible way they can lose, that means that they’ll certainly find a way to lose, and since it’s guaranteed that they can’t win this game, there’s no chance that they’ll lose but if they have no chance to lose, something will happen and . . .

PURDUE @ NORTHWESTERN

There’s been some speculation that Purdue could still wind up second in the conference since, just like last year, they don’t play Michigan or Ohio State. Have you seen Purdue? It’s a good thing for Joe Tiller that Northwestern is reeling. The last time I saw a defense that porous, it was fourth-grade flag football, and I was the middle linebacker. If you must watch this game, only watch when Purdue has the ball.

MICHIGAN @ PENN STATE

Upset alert? Michigan will be without Mario Manningham, after all. And Penn State doesn’t lose often at Beaver Stadium. Plus, you’ve got to wonder if the Wolverines are looking ahead to Iowa (at least) or even Ohio State. It’s not unheard of for an Oyd Carr (remember, he doesn’t have any Ls yet) team to get caught on cruise control, you know. Mitigating against a Nit hit, though, is the reality that Michigan’s defense is really pretty very good, Penn State’s isn’t, and the PSU offense hasn’t been explosive enough to compensate. So fear not, Wolverine fans. Losing Mario Manningham won’t matter this week. Oyd could probably start Mario Batali at wideout and still win this game.

MEENNESUTA @ VEESCUNSIN

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Next week:

• Iowa @ Michigan: Oh great, another drastically overhyped Hawkeye game they’ll lose by 21
• North Dakota State @ Minnesota: How does it feel to get waxed and pay your opponent a quarter-million dollars?
• Michigan State @ Northwestern: I’d call it a ‘must-win’ for Sparty but well, you know . . .
• Indiana @ Ohio State: “Lieutenant! Hand me my brown pants!”
• Illinois @ Penn State: Two Quarterbacks In Search Of A Completion
• Wisconsin @ Purdue: D For The Tillerman