PICKIN’ ON THE BIG TEN, V2006.08

You will understand, I hope, if the mood around TBP headquarters is a little downcast this week. Not only did we have to watch the Hawkeyes’ collapse against Indiana on Saturday, but thanks to the Arizona Cardinals, we got to see it again on Monday night. Not only that, but we foolishly biffed on the Ohio/Illinois game, famously forgetting that Ron Zook still coaches the Illini. Ne’ertheless, we’re 49-9 for the season, a not-too-shabby 84.5%, and we’re still two games ahead of CFN, we think. With all the blinking, beeping, buzzing Flash-animated ad cruft on their pages these days, who can find any useful information anymore?

Much as we’d love to give mad props to Michigan and Ohio State, you can tell things are back to normal for these two programs, because their fans are growing a bit insufferable and hyperbolic. DisnABCSPN has decided that these are the two best programs in the country, because they hold the rights to the UM/tOSU game. It’s still about a month away, and the only hope for derailing the hype machine at this point lies on the skinny shoulders of a QB from Texas and a defense that doesn’t mind giving up first downs over and over again, as long as they don’t get burned for a 60-yard touchdown pass. I can only be talking about . . .

IOWA @ MICHIGAN

. . . and the only real question is, “Should I clean the basement during this game, or flip over to PBS to watch that white guy with the afro who paints ‘happy little trees’?”

I don’t know if Mario Manningham will play in this game. As Iowa proved last week, though, and as I stated about the Penn State/Michigan game, it wouldn’t matter if Michigan put Mario Batali at wideout. It wouldn’t matter if they put Mario Lanza at wideout. It wouldn’t matter if they put Bo Schembechler in a Mario The Plumber costume at wideout, as long as all of these well-known Marios ran about five yards and hooked in. They would always be open, and there wouldn’t be a white jersey between them and the first-down marker.

Apropos of nothing, did you know Denny Green played football at Iowa?

NORTH DAKOTA STATE @ MINNESOTA

Oh, great. UMinn schedules another Division I-AA directional school.

Well, not exactly. NDSU may have just moved up from Division II three years ago, but their football pedigree includes multiple national titles. This year they’ve already knocked off Ball State. Their roster is thick with Minnesota kids. They’re giving up an average of 42 rushing yards a game. Their head coach, Craig Bohl, was Frank Solich’s defensive coordinator at Nebraska. There are so, so many reasons why NDSU will want this win more than Minnesota will. And there are some pretty good reasons why they could get it. Bison fans travel extremely well–they make Hawkeye fans look agoraphobic–and you already know about Gopher fans and their enthusiasm for football.

If Bryan Cupito can get the passing game going, the Gophers should be able to walk away with a victory. And if the Gophers could pass the ball, they probably wouldn’t be 2-5. I still like Goldy in a squeaker, but it wouldn’t surprise a bit if I’m wrong. Wouldn’t bother me, either.

MICHIGAN STATE @ NORTHWESTERN

a/k/a “Big Ten Game of the Week.”

For the love of all that’s decent, Sparty better win this game, before Mike Valenti ruptures a sinus or something.

INDIANA @ OHIO STATE

I hope, hope, hope IU plays the Buckeyes closer than Iowa did. Just like I hope, every week, that Syracuse goes out and does something spectacularly good. But I don’t see it happening, because tOSU’s defense has apparently heard of this new innovation in defensive playcalling known as “man-to-man coverage.”

ILLINOIS @ PENN STATE

If there are more than fifteen completed passes in this game–total–go to the religious facility of your preference on Sunday morning, because the end can’t be far off. You hate to say Illinois has no chance in this game, but if they couldn’t beat Ohio U in Chambana, what hope do they have in Beaver Stadium?

WISCONSIN @ PURDUE

Two Big Ten stories not getting much run this season: How Bret Bielema has Wisconsin playing brilliant football, and how much trouble Joe Tiller could be in if Undue Perversity doesn’t go bowling this year. Tiller’s already fired coordinators to placate the wolves. The Boilers are only one wins short of bowl eligibility. This week won’t be the week they clinch a bowl, because their defense simply can’t handle PJ Hill and the vastly improved John Stocco. But hey, fear not, Boiler faithful: Sparty and Illinois are yet to come. You’ll need something to look forward to after this week, because Bucky Badger is about to make a case for being in the top fifteen.

Next week:

• Michigan State @ Indiana: When’s the last time IU was favored in a Big Ten game?
• Northern Illinois @ Iowa: Winnable, because the Huskies don’t pass
• Northwestern @ Michigan: There are a lot of good games in the SEC next week, ya know
• Minnesota @ Ohio State: Two good reasons Glen Mason never got this job
• Penn State @ Purdue: If there’s a watchable Big Ten game next week, this is it
• Illinois @ Wisconsin: That’ll teach the Illinois cops to write so many speeding tickets