PICKIN’ ON THE BIG TEN: SPECIAL WACKED-OUT EDITION*

*: to commemorate the fact that Iowa’s season is basically over and it’s time to move on to other things, of course

(OPEN on idyllic scene in ALTON BROWN’s back yard, where AB is standing over a grill, tongs in hand, turning a variety of hot dogs. Some sort of umbrella drink is nearby. Gentle, spring-like music in background.)

AB: Ahh, the good ol’ hot dog. Symbol of resolute, rock-solid Americana. Stalwart of a million backyard barbecues, mandatory accessory at any baseball game, lunch for a nation of picky toddlers. It’s almost a shame how often we overlook one of the true classics of American cuisine. But can you blame us? So often, the hot dog is nothing more than an overinflated, oversalted, overgarnished . . . torpedo of mystery meat that could sink any healthy digestive system. But it doesn’t have to be that way. We’ll show you how, with a little know how . . . and maybe just a few little tweaks to the usual condiments, hot dogs don’t just have to be a quick bite you settle for. They can also be seriously . . .

(TITLE SEQUENCE: “Good Eats”)
(TITLE CARD: “The Wurst That Could Happen”)

(CUT to interior of Kroger store. AB is pushing a shopping cart by the lunch-meat case)

AB: 99% of all hot dog tragedies begin right here, in the grocery store. You know how it goes. You need something quick to throw on the grill, you don’t want to spend a lot of money, so you grab the cheapest pack of hot dogs you can find. Then you get home and you find out . . .

(MUSIC: stinger)
(CUT to AB’s kitchen)

AB: . . . you’ve just purchased seventy-nine cents worth of salt, water, nitrates, and something called ‘mechanically separated chicken.’ You know what that is?

(CAMERA shakes as if saying ‘no’)

AB: Do you wanna know?

(CAMERA nods)

AB (looking over glasses, sotto voce): Really?

(CAMERA nods)

AB: OK, but I tried to warn you.

(CUT to graphic of a cartoon chicken over a fiendishly antiquated blender)

AB: They throw a bird in a blender . . .

(Chicken falls in blender and is homogenized into a pinkish sludge)

AB: . . . pass the gunk through a sieve to pick out the bony parts . . .

(MUSIC: “La Marseillaise”)

AB (over music): . . . “bony parts,” not “Bonaparte” . . .

(SFX: needle scratching record; MUSIC stops abruptly)

AB: . . . and use what’s left to make your hot dogs. Appetizing, huh?

MICHIGAN STATE @ INDIANA

(CUT to AB’s kitchen)

AB: Clearly, if you want the best possible hot dog, you’re just going to have to make your own. Now, to do that, the first thing you’re going to need is an industrial meat grinder. I know, I know, it sounds like a unitasker, but trust me. Once you get one of these (points to giant, scary contraption in previously unseen corner of the kitchen) you’ll wonder how you ever got along without it. You can even use it to grind your own flour . . . but that’s another show.

MARK: And speaking of meat grinders, how about what John L. Smith and Terry Hoeppner have been through this season? Between not knowing if your job is safe, or not knowing if you’ll even live ot see the end of the season, these two coaches and their teams have been through the mill . . . erm, meat grinder. But they both have signature wins under their belts: Michigan State’s Frank Reichian comeback over Northwestern and Indiana’s stunning domination of Iowa. This could actually wind up being a good game, since both teams play wide-open offensively, and neither one can defend worth boo.

AB: Are you the new nutritional anthropologist?

MARK: No, I’m in the athletic pathology department.

NORTHERN ILLINOIS @ IOWA

AB: Now, you want to start with good-quality meat, and I think the best hot dogs are made with a combination of beef and pork. Ssssooommmetimes I like to throw a little chicken or turkey in there, just to lighten it up a bit, but usually, I go pig and cow.

(SFX: moo/oink)

AB: Don’t worry, Porky, I don’t butcher my own meat at home, and I don’t recommend that you do, either. Just cut the meat into about one inch by five-sixteenth inch cubes. make sure you have your grinder set on its very finest setting, and run it through. Be careful you don’t let your hand get too close to the intake tube, though. You could easily lose a thumb in that thing.

MARK: “Losing” and “thumb” somehow calls Iowa to mind. Drew Tate won’t be playing in this game, meaning we’ll probably be treated to another appearance by the scariest Manson since Marilyn. Las Vegas has the line on interceptions at five, and I’d take the over. Fortunately for Iowa, Northern Illinois is a one-trick pony, and that pony got skunked by the Broncos of Western Michigan. Considering Iowa is playing like a MAC team right now, that might be a good sign.

AB: We’ve already done taters twice.

MARK: But twice-done taters are another show, right?

NORTHWESTERN @ MICHIGAN

AB: Now, once you have your meat ground once, take a look and check its texture. It should be juuuuussssst short of a paste, sort of like baby food. If it’s not quite right, you may have to grind it again. Just be careful not to over-grind it, or you’ll wind up with something more like . . . pig mousse.

MARK: Speaking of ground into paste, wow, what happened to Northwestern last week? I guess it’s just karmic payback for that Heidi game NU dropped on Iowa last year. Or at least that’s what I’m telling myself this week. Anyway, what can you say about this game, other than that it will definitely be played on Saturday?

AB: You’re getting off topic!

MARK: Your bacon show was hackneyed and derivative!

AB: You multitask with your fire extinguisher!

MARK: You secretly covet an olive pitter!

AB: Them’s fightin’ words! (grabs olive pitter)

MARK: Look, there goes Emeril’s helicopter!

AB: Huh?

MINNESOTA @ OHIO STATE

AB: Anyway. Once your meat is ground, it needs to be seasoned. Don’t try to get too tricky here. The meat and the smoke (which we’ll add later) provide most of the flavoring, but there’s one secret ingredient you’ll need to make your hot dogs . . . I don’t know, hot-doggy, I guess. What you will need is a little mace.

MARK: Mace makes me think of Ohio State for some reason. It’s a shame Glen Mason never got his dream job. After almost losing to North Dakota State last week, there’s a pretty good chance he’ll be looking for a new gig during the off season.

AB: You won’t know if your seasoning is off until you taste this, which you don’t want to do, because that is raw meat in there. Nasty. Instead, just make yourself a little patty of meat and saute it quickly over medium-high heat. Then taste it and see if it needs a little something.

MARK: Are we doing a cooking show or a football predictions column here?

AB: You tell me. This is your delusion.

PENN STATE @ PURDUE

AB: Now, after you’ve got the seasoning just how you like it, it’s time to stuff the meat into casings. I like to use natural casings, which are made from the intestines of sheep or pigs, usually.

MARK: “Intestines.” Penn State. Heh. When Purdue has the ball, this’ll be a great game. Otherwise, it’s Penn State’s clanktastic offense versus Purdue’s funnel-like defense.

AB: I don’t recommend you use a funnel, it’s very hard work. Just use the sausage-stuffing attachment on your food processor instead; it’ll make quick work of this.

MARK: Did you ever notice how it would probably cost upwards of $10,000 to outfit a kitchen with all the stuff you recommend?

AB: The show is Good Eats, not Cheap Eats.

ILLINOIS @ WISCONSIN

AB: Once all of our hot dogs are stuffed, it’s time to add that final layer of flavor: smoke. Build a fire in your backyard smoker–and I do recommend you do this outside–then lay a nice, thin layer of well-soaked hickory chips over top. Hang your sausages inside the smoker and let them infuse for about an hour or so, until they’re well-smoked.

MARK: “Well-smoked” reminds me of Illinois, who have gotten smoked several times this year, and will certainly do so again this week. Wisconsin is playing great football right now, though with their schedule, they’d pretty much have to.

AB: We’re out of time and we haven’t even addressed the two most important questions: How do you cook your dog, and what do you put on it? Me personally, I’m a big fan of grilling. It’s quick, it’s easy, and it adds a whole new layer of flavor. As for what goes on top, call me a purist, but I see the need for only one thing: mustard. Everything else is just gilding the lily.

MARK: Wrong. Ketchup, mustard, relish, and onion.

AB: If you want a salad, eat a salad . . . but that’s another show.

MARK: Are all these “. . . but that’s another show” comments just a ploy to keep your show on until 2018?

AB: Or until the Hawkeyes win an outright Big Ten title, whichever comes first. See you next time on . . .

(END CREDITS)

Next week:

• Ohio State @ Illinois: Yup
• Northwestern @ Iowa: Revenge is a dish best served at about 40 degrees with a strong northwest wind
• Ball State @ Michigan: Yup again
• Purdue @ Michigan State: Curb Your Enthusiasm
• Indiana @ Minnesota: There’s no place like dome for the holidays
• Penn State @ Wisconsin: Pass the torch, or pass the buck? Or just “don’t pass the ball!”?