THE ONION NEEDS TO COVER THIS

While we’ve always felt that Sioux City, Iowa, is an unjustly maligned place (especially when the wind is blowing from the north), it must be noted that living there has its hazards.

I GOT YOUR REDNECK JOKES RIGHT HERE

Rich Rodriguez to Alabama? So says my old bud over at Run Up The Score, who also got Deadspun today. Still awaiting confirmation.

ERNEST AND JULIO?

A shorter version (executive summary, if you will) of today’s DJ Gallo column:

• Bill Cowher spits.
• Ben Roethlisberger isn’t playing well.
• Jerome Bettis is fat.
• Pittsburgh has no pass rush.
• The Steelers aren’t blocking very well, either.
• Najeh Davenport has bowel issues.
• People in Pittsburgh have four fingers and a thumb.
• DJ’s out of Peter King jokes.

THE LAW OF UNINTENDED CONSEQUENCES

Blog long enough–and I’m going on four years–and you inevitably see almost everything good and bad about the Internet. As I’ve been trying to follow the Iowa State coaching search over the last couple days I have unfortunately been drug into one of the Internet’s seedier backwaters: the college football message board.

Full disclosure: I used to post (very occasionally) on Iowa’s Rivals.com site. I stopped posting and reading when it became clear that to be a “real” Hawkeye fan, you had to expect Iowa to be in the BCS every year. Not gonna happen. By that I mean (a) I’ll never think that nor use that as my standard for judging Iowa’s success, and (b) it’ll never happen that Iowa gets to the BCS every year–or even, on average, more than about one year out of every four.

A quick perusal of the Iowa boards last night found a significant clot of posters who were actually hoping for Kirk Ferentz to leave the university. This is the one of the most unheard-of things I’ve ever heard of. I’m as disappointed as anyone with Iowa’s 6-6 regular season, but statistically, these sort of aberrations have been part of Iowa football since the dawn of the Hayden Fry era.

Hey, go take a look at Hayden’s coaching record. Don’t become so blinded by Fry’s eight consecutive winning seasons that you fail to miss the following points:

• The ‘typical’ Hayden Fry season was somewhere around 8-4.
• Only twice (1985 and 1991) did Fry’s teams finish with fewer than three losses on the year.
• Kirk Ferentz has already matched that performance. (2002, 2004)
• Remember those three consecutive non-winning seasons (1991-1993)?

None of this is to say that Ferentz and his staff are above criticism. This is one Hawkeye fan’s take on what has happened and why.

• Iowa has never recovered from key defensive losses. I’m not talking about Chad Greenway and Abdul Hodge, though they are missed. The two players Iowa has not satisfactorily replaced are Matt Roth and Bob Sanders. Roth was the last truly credible Hawkeye pass rusher–and the meanest Hawk since Alex Karras. No disrepect intended to the Hawks who have followed Roth, but they just don’t seem to have the same aggressiveness. Bob Sanders–have you forgotten how well he kept the middle of the field bottled up? Have you forgotten what a terror he was to pass-catching running backs and tight ends? Now ask yourself what Iowa’s key defensive weaknesses have been this season? How about “the lack of a credible pass rush” and “the persistent inability to cover the underneath and crossing routes”?
• Turnover margin. In the Big Ten, only Illinois’ is worse. Maybe that’s related to . . .
• An offense that’s trying too hard. How hurt was Drew Tate throughout the season, and who got in his head and told him the team simply couldn’t win without a Herculean effort on his part?
• The harsh realities of life for Iowa in the Big Ten. Iowa’s population is just a hair over 2.9 million. The next smallest population in the conference is Minnesota’s, with slightly more than 5 million. Illinois, Michigan, Ohio, and Pennsylvania each have more than ten million people, making them three to four times more populous than Iowa. The Hawkeyes share the state with another BCS-conference team, something that doesn’t happen in Minnesota or Wisconsin, and barely happens in Ohio and Pennsylvania. This forces the Hawkeyes to gamble on some players who maybe aren’t quite up to the same level as the recruits at other Big Ten schools. Sometimes this works (see “Greenway, Chad”) but sometimes it doesn’t. This year it didn’t, as only Dominique Douglas emerged from obscurity and seemed to get a lot better as the season went along. And do not forget how many JC transfers have historically helped the Hawkeye cause. Even Brad Banks played juco ball, and how many states have a higher level of juco football than Iowa?

So maybe it gets better next season and maybe it doesn’t. At least this year we probably won’t have to endure all those “Ferentz to the NFL” rumors over the holidays. My sole point is that these sorts of seasons are common for Iowa historically, and it’s not like Kirk Ferentz suddenly forgot how to coach football. If you want an 11-1 season every year, start lobbying for Iowa to drop down to the MAC, because not even Hayden Fry could keep Iowa permanently above the three-losses-per-season barrier.

BLOGPOLL BALLOT, WEEK 12/2006

Rank	Team	Delta
1	Ohio State	—
2	Michigan	—
3	Southern Cal	2
4	Florida	1
5	Louisville	6
6	LSU	4
7	Wisconsin	1
8	Boise State	1
9	Arkansas	5
10	Oklahoma	9
11	Virginia Tech	4
12	Notre Dame	6
13	Auburn	—
14	Rutgers	7
15	Wake Forest	2
16	West Virginia	4
17	Texas	3
18	Tennessee	8
19	Nebraska	4
20	Hawaii	4
21	Brigham Young	—
22	Texas A&M	4
23	Boston College	5
24	Georgia Tech	8
25	Oregon State	1

And?

1% /= 0%

Like we’ve been saying, it’s not Brian Kelly taking over at Iowa State. WHO TV in Des Moines says (as CrossCyed speculated) the job is going to Texas assistant head coach/co-defensive coordinator Gene Chizik. You’d think we could’ve seen this coming, what with all the interviews being held in Dallas ‘n ‘at, but what’s the Internet without irresponsible speculation?

This is fine by me. Kelly plays ninja football, and that tends to fluster the Hawkeyes.

UPDATE!

Further confirmation, including a report that Chizik is in Ames, comes from the Des Moines Register.

YUP, IT’S KELLY

With Michigan State apparently set to introduce Mark Dantonio as its new head coach, it would appear that Brian Kelly will indeed be the new Iowa State head coach. I’m prepared to eat those words if it proves wrong, but I would say there’s less than a 1% chance that it’ll be anyone else at Hilton Coliseum tomorrow night.

CY MAKES A MOVE

Tomorrow at 6 pm. That’s when Iowa State will introduce its new football coach. Given the timing, there’s only a slim possibility it’s not Central Michigan’s Brian Kelly. Unless Jamie Pollard has been doing some seriously stealthy interviewing, that is. Though Cyclone Report is still saying it might be Bo Pelini.

BLACK FRIDAY, MY FOOT

Ten Wonderful Aspects of the Day After Thanksgiving:

1. Leftover stuffing: Simply the best of all Thanksgiving leftovers, especially reheated in the oven so it gets a little crusty on the outside, then topped with gravy, which is always better on day #2 anyway.
2. Guiltless napping: You broke the seal yesterday when you flopped down on that big, fluffy couch and drooled your way through the second half of the Detroit/Miami game. Today, why pretend? Crack open your bedroom window, get under the covers, and shoot for a two-hour snooze cruise.


Author and youngest daughter illustrate point #2

3. Christmas music becomes ‘legal’: You’ll be sick to death of ‘The Little Drummer Boy’ by December 10th, but for at least the rest of the weekend, all the Christmas music will still sound great to you.
4. Pumpkin pie in abundance: Hey, pumpkins are squashes. Eat your vegetables!
5. Texas/Texas A&M and Colorado/Nebraska: Two rivalry games everybody looks past, even though they’re hardly ever boring. There’s something to be said for Oregon/Oregon State, too. Football is always more interesting when the teams involved genuinely hate each other.
6. Unusually satisfying visits to the smallest room in your house. ‘Nuff said.
7. Not shopping. We finished our Christmas shopping online, in August. What do you mean you can’t find a parking space, and the $20 DVD players are all gone? Hey, have fun spending 23 minutes in the drive-through at Starbucks!
8. Only the second day of a four-day weekend. Not a big deal to me, because I don’t work Fridays anyway.
9. One-day hiatus from partisan political talk-show hatred. Instead, all your Prime Ministers of Snark are ranting today about the nuttiness of shopping on the day after Thanksgiving. Which is strange, because they’re obviously not doing it, seeing as how they’re on the radio and all.
10. The second week of deer camp. It’s the greatest time of year.

CLONELINESS

While there’s still no telling who will be Dan McCarney’s replacement at Iowa State, there are two candidates who are definitely out:

The only two known coaches to interview for the head football coaching position at Iowa State have been eliminated from consideration, according to multiple sources close to both coaches.

Nebraska offensive coordinator Jay Norvell and San Diego head coach Jim Harbaugh were notified by Cyclone athletic director Jamie Pollard Tuesday night that they no longer are on his list of potential replacements for coach Dan McCarney.

Wow. I’ve heard of candidates doing “practice interviews,” but never a hiring party. Now, since these two aren’t on the list, who is? Cyclone Report says Tulsa’s Steve Kragthorpe and UTEP’s Mike Price are still under consideration, though neither has been interviewed yet. We’d like to think that maybe somebody is listening to us and taking a long look at North Dakota State’s Craig Bohl too–could it really hurt to have a Cyclone head coach who’s still highly honked off at Nebraska?

UPDATE!

The Cedar Rapids Gazette says it won’t be Tim Brewster, either. Quick, go look before they make you pay for it!