PICKIN’ ON THE BIG TEN, v2006.09

Well, now that we’ve had the first coachicide of 2006, it’s time to get sanguine about Big Ten reality, 2006-style. Welcome back to the days of the Big Two and the little nine. With the season due to wrap up in just three more weeks, speculation about who will get bowl bids–or who will get pink slips–begins to swirl like the late autumn leaves in the chilly breezes off the Olentangy River. (Is there a Bulwer-Lytton Contest for sportswriters? And does Mitch Albom always win it?)

John L. Smith may be the only whacking of 2006 in the Big Ten. I think Minnesota would like to divest itself of its Masonic investment but, having extended his contract through 2010, they can’t afford to do so. The only other coach in clear and present danger might be Purdue’s Joe Tiller, but with a bowl bid almost impossible to lose at this point, it’s unlikely. The promise shown by Juice Williams has probably bought Ron Zook a little more time as well.

You want bowl predictions? They’ve had ‘em over at CFN since before the season began. Must be what they discuss in between their strategy sessions on how to crash every Internet browser known to mankind with an eye-torching bevy of Flash ads, but we’ve been down that road before, and nobody’s listening. ESPN published some as well, and Mark Schlabach’s prediction of a Texas Tech/Purdue shootout in a baseball stadium, should it come to pass, could be the most surreal moment in college football history. As for us, it’s hard to say how we see the chips falling. Lately our crack team of analysts has told us that next week’s Indiana-Michigan tilt could go oppo on everyone. There’s a slight but significant chance that Indiana (easily the Big Ten’s most improved squad) could rain on ABCSPN’s parade, leading us towards that Ohio State/Rutgers title game we’ve all been craving.

Enough. On to the bleedin’ games.

OHIO STATE @ ILLINOIS

The East-Central Illinois Traveling Bye Week Squad has proven that they could dominate the league if Tecmo Bowl rules were adopted–i.e., every game absolutely ends after twenty minutes. The games are still an hour, though, so this will be a mere momentary distraction for the Buckeyes on their way to the Game to End All Games.

NORTHWESTERN @ IOWA

I was there for this game last year in Evanston. It was a long, lonely walk back to the car. I hope I’m not wrong when I say this is going to be sweet.

BALL STATE @ MICHIGAN

Is it really necessary for me to pick one of these MACrifice games in November?

PURDUE @ MICHIGAN STATE

Again, let’s climb out on the Sparty Logic Tree. Because you would expect a team to rally around the coach who has just been let go even though there’s a slim chance MSU could make it to a bowl game, that means that there’s essentially zero probability of that happening. But since that’s exactly what you would expect Sparty to do, there’s no reason to assume that they would do so. You would expect that they would just quit and shut it down for the rest of the year, meaning that of course they’re bound to win this game. But my hunch is that all the underclassmen will want to give Mooch some quality highlights so he can get them more playing time when he takes over next year, so, since every player will be looking out for themselves, that means that Sparty is certain to get fish-gutted by Pete. I think.

INDIANA @ MINNESOTA

Is it really necessary for me to pick two of these MACrifice games in November?

PENN STATE @ WISCONSIN

Somebody wrote in to Stewart Mandel wondering why Penn State wasn’t ranked, given that the Nits have only lost to the #1, #2, and #4 teams in the country.

Bless his heart, Mandel was too polite to give the real answer: “Because the voters have seen the Nits play.”

Next week:

• Purdue @ Illinois: Tickets on eBay, starting bid: I pay you $25
• Michigan @ Indiana: Not that it will happen, but oh boy, it could
• Wisconsin @ Iowa: Fighting for Highway 151’s honor
• Minnesota @ Michigan State: If either team wins this game, it’ll be a miracle
• Ohio State @ Northwestern: What’s purple and squishy? Hint: it’s not a grape
• Temple @ Penn State: Why ask why?