PICKIN’ ON THE BIG TEN, v2006.10

Editor’s note: POTBT writer Mark Hasty is unavailable to write this week’s column due to a personal emergency. You may contact him at the Ryan Leaf Center for Football-Related Personality Disorders in Pullman, Washington, where Mark has been staying since late Saturday afternoon. Ask for the Existential Crisis Unit.

Fortunately, we were able to find a last-minute replacement to write the column. She is Ms. Melody Freeman-Bates, host of the popular “Reaching Home Showcase” seen Sunday mornings on several cable systems in the Milwaukee area. We remain hopeful that Mark will be able to return to POTBT next week.

“Hello, and welcome to Picking on the Big Ten. I’m Melody Freeman-Bates, and we are super excited to have you with us today. We have a number of fascinating upscale properties we can’t wait to show you! And we aren’t going to wait to show you! Here’s our first stop! But remember, if you would like more information about any of the properties featured here, just contact your local FirstHomeBaseRealty LLC office, or go to My1800FirstHomeBaseRealtyLLC.com/TodaysFeaturedProperties/Milwaukee.”

PURDUE @ ILLINOIS

“This lovely Southwest Side game is located in one of the area’s top school districts. It features a retro-themed yard with the latest, state-of-the-art offensive technologies. You’ll enjoy all the points you see being scored through the large, airy windows in the living room. So, let down your defenses and call FirstHomeBaseRealty about this very unique opportunity today! The motivated seller is just waiting for your offer!”

MICHIGAN @ INDIANA

“This recently-renovated property is in a desirable neighborhood that’s filling up fast! You’ll love the quaint, safe, quiet small-town setting among the rolling hills of southern Indiana. This property also comes with a full set of demolition equipment manufactured by Carr & English of Ann Arbor, Michigan. Your kids will have endless hours of fun with that! But hurry–you’ll want to be in this property before basketball season!”

WISCONSIN @ IOWA

“Here’s a beautiful property that was just featured this past summer in a number of national magazines as one of the ten best properties available this fall. You’re going to love the eat-in kitchen, the big beautiful riverside location, and the basketball arena just up the street. Convenient to Highway 151 as well, don’t miss this chance to show the world how smart you are–get on board with this Iowa City property today! Price has been reduced in the past two weeks.”

MINNESOTA @ MICHIGAN STATE

“Attention handymen, decorators, and bargain hunters! Here’s a golden opportunity for all of you! This property is not quite in move-in condition, but if you want something you can put a personal touch on, this is it! Located in a neighborhood with tremendous growth potential, this little fixer-upper can be had for the right price with no money down! But you’d better hurry!”

OHIO STATE @ NORTHWESTERN

“Nestled away in an often-overlooked part of the city, this property is red-hot! Actually, purple-hot, having just proved itself better than a property all the experts were buzzing about just a few weeks ago. It’s perfect for a young family just starting out, but anybody would find this lakeside bungalow a pleasant place to call home. It’s not cheap, but it represents good, smart value. Call today–the owner reports that the whole neighborhood is about to be repainted scarlet and gray.”

TEMPLE @ PENN STATE

“Our last stop this morning is a property that has just had a little foundation work done, but don’t let that scare you off! This breathtaking mountain home is soaked in history with one of the biggest family rooms you’ll ever see! Important historical landmarks are within walking distance as well. With only one occupant for the last forty years, you know this is a place you’ll be glad to call home . . . and you’ll really love the view. Especially this weekend!”

Next week:

• Iowa @ Minnesota: You can keep the pig if you’ll also take that butt-ugly ‘Hee Haw’-looking casino on I-35
• Illinois @ Northwestern: These games are always great, because there’s never anything at stake
• Michigan @ Ohio State: Game of the Century, which portends an ugly future for Troy Smith, but at least you’ll get to have your picture taken with him and his Heisman at your local Chevy dealer in 25 years, and if anybody gets that reference, I’ll be shocked
• Michigan State @ Penn State: So long to both coaches?
• Indiana @ Purdue: For a change, there’s bowl implications for both teams
• Buffalo @ Wisconsin: Well, something has to be last on this list