DEAR S. CLAUS

That nasty intestinal virus was definitely not on anybody’s list.

LAND HO HO HO

Merry Christmas from TBP!

BLOG BOWL BLOWOUT, PART 2: GRUDGE MATCHES

We realize we technically left one of the Exhibition Games out of Part 1. Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa. We’d apologize more strenuously if there were such a thing as Tulsa fans. Instead, we’ll just cover it here.

WHAT HAPPENS IN THE LAS VEGAS BOWL STAYS IN THE LAS VEGAS BOWL

BYU v. Ed Orgeron Oregon

Remember when BYU got to go to real bowl games like, y’know, the Holiday Bowl? Sigh. I miss the real WAC. Mike Bellotti, by the way, has not been mentioned as a possible candidate for the Alabama job, and he really won’t be after this game. BYU.

THE PAPAJOHNS.COM BOWL IS STUCK TO THE LID OF THE BOX

South Florida v. East Carolina

It’s Directional Madness as two schools previously thought fictional rear up and meet in America’s only bowl game named after the website of a pizza company started in the broom closet of a bar in Indiana. ECU just barely snuck in to bowl eligibility; South Florida delivered a pretty good season in this year’s Cinderella conference, the Big East. Plus Jim Leavitt is one of the Sons of Hayden, and he actually has been mentioned in conjunction with the Alabama job! South Florida.

THE SECOND-BEST ELVIS COSTELLO ALBUM IS ‘ARMED FORCES’ BOWL

Tulsa v. Utah

Tulsa is a great story, coming out of nowhere to become a minor power in Conference USA after an eternity in the WAC. Utah has stepped back some from their former wuthering heights under Urban “Vote for Pedro, and by the way, I’m Pedro” Meyer. But they’d have to. I have to go with the Golden Hurricanes in this one since, after all, Steve Kragthorpe has also been potentially linked to the Alabama job. Tulsa.

THE ‘WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT’ HAWAII BOWL

Arizona State v. Some Guys Who Didn’t Even Get to Leave the Dorm

Who’s coaching the Sun Devils in this game? Dennis Erickson? Dirk Koetter? Frank Kush? It doesn’t matter. The way Hawaii throws the ball (and the way ASU defends it), I’m anticipating a basketball score. Hawaii.

THE I CAN’T BELIEVE THERE’S NOT A TIE-IN WITH THE JEEP LIBERTY BOWL

South Carolina v. Houston

The Ol’ Ball Coach, who of course was one of the very first names connected to the Alabama job, gets to take on Art Briles, whose turn as Alabama’s next coach is coming. I hate to go against Spurrier–I keep worrying he’ll eat my soul or something–but Houston has a great playmaking lepidopterophobic quarterback in Kevin Kolb, and SC has . . . has . . .? What? A great-tackling punter? Houston.

I’M NOT GONNA PAY A LOT TO WATCH THE MEINEKE CAR CARE BOWL

Navy v. Boston College

Paul Johnson: Bama-positive. Tom O’Brien: Not Bama-positive, but available. Jeff Jagodzinski: Bane of spell-checkers everywhere. (Seriously, MS Word doesn’t even have a suggestion.) My take: Navy ought to win, especially since BC drove me nuts with their “We’re a top 25 team! No, wait, we’re awful! But look what we can do!” back-and-forthing all season. Navy.

THE BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH MPC COMPUTERS BOWL

Real Miami v. Nevada

I’ve been hoping all year that this matchup would happen. Nevada.

IHOF (INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF FOOTBALL)

Western Michigan v. Cincinnati

The sad thing is, both teams have probably already tasted Timbits. Brian Kelly whacked WMU 31-7 with Central Michigan. How will he do with better talent at Cincinnati? And has a coach ever played the same team twice in the same season coaching two different teams? Cincy.

BLOG BOWL BLOWOUT, PART 1

It’s only five days until the first bowl game (and, for a change, it’s not the New Orleans Bowl) so we’d better get around to picking the games, right? Well, with 26 bowl games on tap for this season, picking them all at once is bound to be as big a mess as a vegetable soup omelet. But, if we break down the games into categories, we can probably get through this. Right? Right? Oh, you’re not listening. You’re still trying to figure out what fruit trees aren’t native to Nebraska, AREN’T YOU?

Anyway, there’s four distinct categories of bowl game taking place this season:

1. Exhibition games involving only teams from non-BCS conferences.
2. Grudge matches pitting BCS and non-BCS conference teams against each other.
3. The undercard of non-BCS games involving two teams from BCS conferences, and
4. The actual Bowl Championship Series.

This being Part One, guess where we start? You may now throw up in your mouth a little, if you must.

THE POINTSETTIA POINSETTA PONTSTIA FUNNY RED FLOWER BOWL

Northern Illinois v. TCU

Northern Illinois has Garrett Wolfe, the all-everything running back who humiliated a fair number of quality defenses this season. TCU has Gary Patterson, the phenomenally successful coach who strangely has not yet been linked to the Alabama job. Both these teams come to San Diego on a hot streak, with NIU having beaten MAC champion Central Michigan soundly (31-10) and TCU having dispatched the weaker teams in the Mountain West (i.e., everybody but Utah and BYU). NIU has the worse record, but they’ve faced far superior competition, and you know how we feel about that around here. NIU.

THE NEW ORLEANS BOWL NOBODY CARES ABOUT SINCE THE SAINTS ARE REALLY, REALLY GOOD THIS YEAR

Rice v. Troy

Good on Rice for making it to a bowl game. I think the last time they played in a bowl Dick Maegle was involved. As for Troy, we can’t go against them, because they are unofficially Friends of the Site. And besides, they’re pretty good. Troy.

THE “IT WORKED FOR HAWAII AND BOISE STATE, SO WHY WOULDN’T IT WORK FOR NEW MEXICO?” NEW MEXICO BOWL

New Mexico v. San Jose State

Oh, here’s a laugher: New Mexico is the road team on this game being played in their home stadium. $5 says they still use the home locker room. Too bad for them they’re paired up against a suddenly ascending San Jose State team in Dick Tomey’s last game before he takes over at Stanford. Because you know that’s gonna happen, especially since Tomey has also not yet been mentioned in connection with the Alabama job. SJSU.

AS ALWAYS, DON’T FORGET THE MOTOR CITY BOWL

Middle Tennessee v. Central Michigan

Two schools, two completely different philosophies on how to avoid being called a “directional school.” CMU’s wunderkind, Brian Kelly, is gone, so I’m guessing that MTSU has the upper hand in this game. Unless Kelly left extensive notes on how to run his freaky ninja offense, that is. But I’m guessing that he’s the mastermind. MTSU.

THE “WOULD SOMEBODY PLEASE BUY A SATURN ION?” GMAC BOWL

Ohio v. Southern Mississippi

Frank Solich, late of Nebraska, gets back to a bowl game with his really pretty good Ohio U Bobcats. He has not been publicly linked with the Alabama Job. Neither has Jeff Bowers, who has Brett Favre U in a bowl for what seems like the eight millionth time. USM is one of those schools that perpetually flies under the college football radar. A decade from now, they’ll probably still be playing games on Tuesday nights just to get a little exposure. Bowers has an impressive resume, but I think Solich has better players and will get the job done here. Ohio.

TEN RANDOM THOUGHTS #12

1. If I ever hear about lonely rails and tawny omnivores again, I’m going to knock all the stuff off my bookshelves. And I have a lot of bookshelves. Now, before you whine ask, O great Outwit The West contestants, let’s get a couple things straight: (a), I don’t know the answer; that was just my best guess based on those wacked-out phrases that kept popping up in my referral logs; (b), I have exactly zero interest in researching the answer out of the goodness of my heart; meaning (c), there is no further help from me unless you submit a request wrapped in $100 bills. I’m starting to miss the days when people came here looking for pictures of Destiny Stahl, and that’s saying something.
2. It’s really getting tiresome to hear all the plangent babble about “who would want the Alabama head coaching job?”. Here’s who: some currently-ascending coordinator or mid-major head coach who figures he’ll get run out of town in three years but knows that at least along the way he might make a couple million bucks. Coaching the Crimson Tide is a thankless task, but if you begin the task by expecting failure, it could be a good way to make some quick bucks.
3. You wanna talk about a sinus infection? I’ve been blowing my nose so hard the last few days, I strained my neck.
4. These are the sort of phrases fathers wind up uttering when they stay home sick for a day: “This pile of shredded pages is called My First Word Book? Looks like it’s time for My Second Word Book.” “Why don’t we just butter the whole house and get it over with?” “I could get $50 for you on eBay, you know.” “I wish I was at work, so I could relax a little.”
5. Okay, I’ll say it: Those griddlecake sandwiches smell a lot better than they taste.
6. In case you’re wondering whether soynut butter can be substituted for peanut butter in holiday cookie and candy recipes, the answer is “yes” if you’re allergic to peanuts, but “no” if you aren’t.
7. When you stop and think about it, if Iowa and Texas were going to play a football game this year, the Alamo Bowl is pretty much the only appropriate place for it.
8. I finally figured out Borat: Sacha Baron Cohen found a way to laugh at people who like to laugh at people. He may be the first metahumorist.
9. Are we all missing the obvious? Shouldn’t Allen Iverson be the next head coach at Bama?
10. Who on God’s blue earth can drink a 24-ounce cup of coffee before it gets cold? I certainly can’t, and I yield to no one in my coffee guzzling.

LIKE WE SAID . . .

. . . there is no way Rich Rodriguez is going to Alabama.

Hey Bama fan: Wanna know why you can’t find or keep a coach? Look in the mirror . . .

RUTS IS RIGHT

It does indeed appear, as Run Up The Score said last week, that Rich Rodriguez will be the next coach of the Alabama Crimson Tide. Unless somebody slaps some sense into him before he signs the contract, that is.

HAWKPOCALYPSE NOW

Tough times to be Hawkeye, these are. First of all, the university is getting dangerously close to a no-confidence vote directed at the Board of Regents, who thus far have failed to hire a president to replace David Skorton. Not even the intervention of your next president, Gov. Tom Vilsack, has been able to settle the situation. The Board of Regents apparently wants to hire someone with significant past experience in health care administration, reflecting the significance of the University of Iowa Hospitals and Clinics. Outside observers are calling for someone with a more traditional academic background, suggesting instead that a vice-president could be hired to serve as a liaison between the administration and UIHC. At the center of it all is Regents president Michael Gartner, whom you may remember.

Meanwhile, The Haircut has no idea why one of his players transferred to Silo Tech. But don’t worry; everything’s fine in Iowa men’s basketball . . .

HEY YOU GUYS!

Start with this . . .

Plus . . .

This . . .

And . . .

This . . .

But this is just incredible:

Words.

(Just in case you’re wondering, yes, that last one has Morgan Freeman as Easy Reader. The woman is Hattie Winston, who wound up playing Ted Danson’s nurse on Becker. And yes, that song has the absolute groove of death.)

THIS PLACE WRITES ITS OWN HUMOR

Wisconsin. Land of cheese. You’d think that, if we sprinkled anything other than salt on our popcorn, it’d be powdered cheese. And there is plenty of that at our state’s movie theaters. But then again, there’s another popular popcorn topping around here. It may be a little more obscure, but really, it makes perfect sense.