I THINK I WROTE THIS IN A PREVIOUS LIFETIME

I’d like to take this opportunity to wish a happy 73rd, 165th, 240th, 679th, 914th, 2,342nd, and 16,511th birthday to Shirley MacLaine.

IT’S NOT THE GUN THAT NEEDED CONTROL

Oh, glorious Internet. Thanks to you, it now takes only a few hours for any news story of suitable gravity to become the launching pad for several million personal opinions. I can’t escape that conclusion now that the Virginia Tech tragedy has caused us to start placing blame everywhere except where it rightfully lies.

While the whacked-out theories go everywhere from overly-liberal immigration policies (crikey, he was eight when he came here) to (predictably) the teaching of evolution in science classes, I’ve been thinking all along, as the gun control issue has quickly taken over this story, that it’s probably true Cho would have had a hard time killing so many people so quickly if he hadn’t had a gun. But you can’t make the leap to saying that if he hadn’t had a gun, nothing bad would have happened. He might have gone to beat the crap out of a young woman, then gotten the crap kicked out of him by the RA. Cho would’ve been arrested and kicked out of Virginia Tech. That would have been less tragic, to be sure. But it’s not good enough to qualify as “better.” I’m not prepared to say that it’s alright for young men to beat up young women they’re obsessed with, so long as it keeps those young men from shooting people. The gun was just along for the ride here.

Cho was 23 years old and apparently completely incapable of dealing with anger or frustration, or of forming a healthy relationship with anyone. Maybe he was mentally ill or, maybe, as Nikki Giovanni suggested, he was just mean. Whatever is the case, he should’ve been able to control his emotions by this point in his life. There is no such thing as “a 23-year-old kid.” 23-year-olds are adults. We can blame Cho’s parents for not teaching him coping skills. We can blame university culture for being so focused on relationships and good times, isolating those who can’t participate or are just naturally awkward socially. We can blame society in general for glorifying violence. We can blame guns and gun culture for making killing so easy. We can blame the Virginia Tech administration for not immediately knowing Cho was responsible for the first shooting and still on the loose. We can blame the Great Gazoo if it makes us feel better. Cho isn’t around to blame any more, and what’s the point of blaming somebody who can’t be punished?

IT’S NEVER TOO EARLY TO BE TOO EARLY

Far be it from me to cast aspersions on anything Iowa-related, but I’ve long thought that the Iowa caucuses were a complete farce. The only thing they’re really good for is taking a fat wad of coastal-elite money and redistributing it among various small upper-Midwestern media markets.

With that in mind, it’s nice to know that the Des Moines Register takes the time to print up a schedule of where you can meet the candidates today. Since there are only ten short months to make a decision before it’s time to vote for the people who will vote for the people who will vote for the people who will vote for a candidate who will probably be out of the running by the time the convention rolls around, you can hardly miss an opportunity to ask a question, since you’ll only have seventeen or eighteen more between now and then.

In that spirit, here are ten possible ways Iowans who want to subvert the process can mess with the candidates’ heads.

1. Ask as many questions about E85 as possible. Might as well propagate the myth that Iowa is nothing but cornfields, right?
2. Give every candidate your resume and ask to named Ambassador to Gabookistan, or Secretary of Ordering Things From the Deli.
3. Sidle up to a candidate and say that four years ago, the hosts at your precinct caucus tried to pass off catfish bait as paté. Insist that you’re going Green (or Libertarian) if you can’t see the hors d’oeuvre menu before the caucuses. Watch the fear on the face of the intern assigned to investigate this pressing matter.
4. Pass a note to a staffer mentioning that you just saw Dan Savage touching the doorknobs at their campaign headquarters.
5. Carry a sign forcefully advocating immigration amnesty for Klingons and Ferengis.
6. With a straight face, insist on significantly tighter immigration policies and a solution to the problem of rural depopulation.
7. Poll the candidates on whether they can, as yet, tell the difference between cow manure and pig manure strictly by smell.
8. Make up business cards identifying yourself as the head of the Iowa Belgian Endive Growers Association and complain loudly that presidential candidates never address the concerns of your organization.
9. At an open forum, loudly denounce school consolidation as a terrorist plot designed to create larger targets. Demand that every town with a population greater than 200 has a right to its own fully independent K-12 school system. Insist that this can be done without raising taxes.
10. Circulate a petition at all campaign rallies asking for Charles Nelson Reilly’s head to be added to Mount Rushmore.

ON OUR PLANET THE SKY IS PAISLEY

Run Up the Score pretty much ordered me to make this a new post, so here goes: What college athletic program suffers from the greatest delusions of adequacy and relevance? Who out there is looking for the right combination of coaches and an AD to lead them back to a past that might never have happened? He nominated Arkansas, but noted that they’d have some measure of success recently, if “within the last fifteen years” counts as “recently.” I countered with Ole Miss, based on the notion that apparently Rebel football mattered at some point within the past half-century, but doggone if anybody not named Manning can remember it.

But who else deserves possible mention as “the most deluded fan base in college athletics”? Arizona State comes to mind, seeing as how I can’t think of a single truly significant athletic accomplishment of theirs in recent memory, unless 21 titles in women’s archery counts as a significant accomplishment. (Don’t bother mentioning five baseball titles; if you think that will win you any points around here, thanks for making your first visit.) But surely I’m missing some more. Readers? All six of you?

RAINING ON A PARADE

Wondering what the “big announcement” Colin Cowherd has been hyping all week actually is? Here you go, 24 hours early: You’ll be able to watch streaming video of the show on the Internet.

ALTMAN AGONISTES

A little more than a day after being introduced as the new head basketball coach at Arkansas, Dana Altman has decided to come back to Creighton.

Omaha is an underrated city, but come on . . .

GATHERING MOMENTUM

ESPN.com’s Andy Katz is also reporting Todd Lickliter will be the new Iowa Hawkeyes basketball coach.

The more I read up on this, the more it seems like a really good hire. Over at the mess boards some of the Frowny-Faced Deluded are complaining that Lickliter’s two Sweet 16 appearances aren’t significant and the Horizon League really isn’t a very good conference. I’ve been living in Horizon League territory for a while now and I can tell you that’s just a bunch of flapdoodle from a bunch of people who were hoping for Majerus or Crean. Here are some coaches who have come out of the Horizon League:

• Bruce Pearl
• Bo Ryan
• Dick Bennett
• Thad Matta, who, y’know, might be coaching in a game tonight
• Rollie Massimino

So, if this Lickliter stuff is true (and it’s sure starting to look like it is), I’d say the Hawks have done well for themselves. By the way, Todd Lickliter apparently picked up some meaningless award today, something about being the National Coach of the Year or something. Clearly, they should’ve hired Steve Lavin instead.

BUT IT’LL BURN YOUR TONGUE

SI.com’s Seth Davis is reporting that Todd Lickliter has been hired as the Iowa basketball coach. Shows what I know. If it’s true, that is, and there’s some circumstantial evidence that it might be.

(S)ELECTION DAY

On the same day my beloved North Central Conference gets fitted for a toe tag comes word that Iowa has apparently found a new head basketball coach, with a press conference expected by about this time tomorrow. Irresponsible speculation is our specialty around here, so let’s examine the possibilities–who’s the next guy for the Hawkeyes?

Kirk Speraw, head coach, Central Florida: Lots of folks are just assuming it’s him at this point. Speraw is a former Hawkeye player who comes endorsed by the last unquestionably good head basketball coach in Iowa City: Lute Olson. Personally, right now, I don’t think it’s him. Don’t ask me why; I just don’t. Speraw’s hiring would probably cause Iowa message boards to implode–”Oh, great, another guy named Kirk that nobody’s ever heard of”–and some people might even call that a bad thing.

Reggie Theus, head coach, New Mexico State: This would be a certain attention-grabber and, honestly, Theus may be the only candidate anybody out there has actually heard of. Theus has done okay for himself recruiting kids to come to Los Cruces; recruiting to Iowa City might be easier. However, this would be a “novelty hire” and everyone would more or less know that Theus wasn’t going to be a long-term answer in Iowa City.

Rick Majerus, professional head-coaching candidate: He’s been offered free burritoes for life by Panchero’s Mexican Grill if he takes the job. I only wish I was making that up. I don’t think he’s a serious candidate.

Steve Lavin, ditto: No burritoes for him, though.

Todd Lickliter, head coach, Butler: A last-minute possibility, but I’m not sure Iowa wants to tab a Missouri Valley coach again.

Lon Kruger, head coach, UNLV: Says he’s not a candidate. We all know what that means.

Tom Crean, head coach, Marquette: Supposedly being reported by a radio station in Omaha. I have my doubts, but I report what other people report, you decide what other people decide.

Somebody Else, somebody else: Here’s my pick. A total surprise candidate. I guess we’ll find out.

DON’T FORGET . . .

Ten Things You May Not Need To Remember, But You’d Better Not Forget:

1. Nominations for Cost Saver of the Week are due to Tammi in Human Resources no later than 3 pm Thursday.
2. For purposes of alternate side winter parking, a ‘day’ begins at 11 PM the preceding day.
3. Leaving the ‘Block non-ICP packets’ box unchecked in the Default Profile dialog box may leave you vulnerable to open-relay TCM/IPW attacks.
4. The next person who doesn’t wipe off the top of the mustard bottle after they’re done using it is gonna be eating a knuckle sandwich.
5. Just because you’re a Pre-Tribulationist doesn’t mean you won’t have cockroaches in your root cellar.
6. The restrooms are for customer use only, and the cashier does not give change for the bus.
7. Personnel are not allowed to punch in more than three minutes prior to the start of their scheduled shift without the approval of a manager.
8. Public displays of affection are prohibited on school grounds during all times when class is in session.
9. There is considerable disagreement over whether Native Americans constitute an example of a ’stateless nation.’
10. The ’slippery slope’ is a fallacy; the fact that a dividing line is difficult to draw does not mean that a line cannot be drawn at all.