10 THINGS TO REMEMBER AS THE FOOTBALL SEASON BEGINS

1. Most of the players whose names you’ll be hearing all season will not amount to squat in the NFL.
2. Every year College GameDay becomes more about College GameDay and less about college games being played today.
3. Neither the Big Ten nor the cable companies actually need each other in order to make money. If they did, they’d have made a deal already.
4. And if the NFL can’t get a deal done, what hope is there for a regional college sports network demanding essentially the same terms?
5. I mean, honestly, it hurts me to say this, but HGTV has a much larger potential audience than Big Ten football, and you don’t hear about them making these sorts of demands. The Big Ten is the only party that stands to lose money in this deal, so my advice is just shut up, go on an optional programming tier, and deal with it.
6. Recruiting message boards are still creepy.
7. And DJ Gallo still isn’t funny.
8. There are only two college coaches who should star in their own reality shows. One is Steve Spurrier and the other isn’t.
9. Some team in the top ten right now is going to turn out to be a major, major disappointment.
10. Likewise, some team not ranked at the moment will crack the top ten before November.

PICKIN’ ON THE BIG TEN V07.01

Yes, in fact, I am ready for some football. And just in time too! Yeah . . . just in time to not see the games since they’re all going to be on a network currently being beamed only to three very confused Lithuanian department-store security guards who do not understand the strange behavior of the Americans who inexplicably have shown up on their closed-circuit TV system and would really like the camera in the Juniors department to start working again.

Since we’re in the spirit of taking things away, I might as well tell you I’ve made a slight policy change: I will no longer be previewing those stupid I-AA exhibition games. Life is too short to Google Indiana State football. I might make exceptions for those games where I think there’s a chance of the hydrant soaking the dog and not vice versa. But otherwise . . . no. These games do not exist to me. I understand why they’re played and why they’re important. But they’re every bit as worthless as NFL preseason games, and I don’t care about those either.

Of course that means there are only 1.5 good games in the Big Ten this week, and that’s coming from three games which could be halfway good. The real football starts next week.

MISSOURI @ ILLINOIS @ ST. LOUIS, WHICH LAST I KNEW WAS IN MISSOURI AND NOT ILLINOIS BUT WHO ASKED ME?

Okay, I used to do a Pickin’ on the Big XII too, back before I had multiple children, so I am familiar with theoeuvre of Gary Pinkel. I think he’s a good coach but not necessarily a great one who is stuck at a school where football just doesn’t matter, not at all. He did a decent job last season, perhaps because expectations were low after Brad Smith finally graduated, and perhaps because he was sitting on such a hot seat that his office smelled like seared bumflesh. This year many are looking to Mizzou as a team that could make a run at the Big XII North, a division which defines the term “leadership vacuum.”

Zook we know about, him and his great recruiting classes and his larder of highly-regard recruits who under his tutelage manage to win the same two games every year. He’s a got a great weapon in Is*CLANK*i*FWOOSH*ah *plop* “Juice” *scramblescrambleSACK* Will*INT!*iams, but somehow that didn’t seem to work out too well last season. Oh well. There’s no QB controversy in Urbaign this season, only the question of who will double Zook’s win total with his recruits next season. Winning this game would be a powerful statement about the return of Illinois football . . . or the immnent arrival of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
IN THE CHASE 37
IN THE DRINK 13

NORTHERN ILLINOIS @ IOWA @ SOLDIER FIELD, WHICH IS IN NORTHERN ILLINOIS NOT IOWA, SO OBVIOUSLY IT’S TIME TO RETURN GEOGRAPHY TO SCHOOL CURRICULA

Oh, trust me–this is a very losable game for the Hawkeyes. New QB, minus a couple wide receivers, which is not a position the Hawks were deep at to begin with, a huge off-field distraction the week before the season opener . . . it doesn’t matter than NIU will be breaking in a new running back; at this point, Larry Csonka could give the Hawkeyes fits. Iowa fans know there’s one game every season where the team never gets off the bus mentally . . . this had better not be it. But I’m worried.
TAILBACK U 17
UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS AT IOWA CITY 28

UAB @ MICHIGAN STATE AND WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT, THE GAME’S ACTUALLY BEING PLAYED IN EAST LANSING

And thus begins the Mark Dantonio era at MSU, against a team that caused a little trouble for some decent programs last season and probably, talentwise, is a little ahead of Minnesota. Dantonio’s Cincy teams were always well-balanced and there’s a better-than-0% shot that Sparty could start the season 3-0 and ranked around #24 before heading off to Notre Dame on the 22nd of September. But there’s a better-than-0% shot that they could gack away this game, too. I think they hold on, but I would not want to be that Detroit radio guy’s cardiologist come early November.
ROMAN GOD STATUE 10
GREEK WARRIOR REPLICA 21

BOWLING GREEN @ MINNESOTA, WHOSE STADIUM IS NOT YET ON CAMPUS

The new Minnesota coach, *Mumble*, swears he’s going to turn around the attitude towards Gopher football in a city and a state that looks upon college football in general and Gopher football in particular like a dish of tater tot casserole mistaken left on the kitchen cupboard overnight. *Mumble* had better be careful. It is possible for Minnesota sports fans to care less about Gopher football than they already do. Here’s one of the half-good games, folks. Minnesota could make a serious run at the MAC title this season.
ROOSTERS 17
BREWSTERS 23

FLORIDA INTERNATIONAL @ PENN STATE

I said I wasn’t gonna pick the I-AA games. I still feel compelled to pick this one even though FIU might not be able to go .500 in I-AA.

Oh, wait, it’s actually the Football Championship Subdivision, which sounds like something you’d find on the outskirts of Tuscaloosa. Whatever. Just by mentioning this game I’ve already said too much.
THROWN TO THE LIONS 0
LIONS 66

PURDUE @ TOLEDO

Yeah, I know . . . AT?

Well, Joe Tiller saved his job last year, and Toledo is under the eyes of the NCAA these days, so there’s not much doubt about how this game will go. But then the only certainty in Purdue football these days is at least 4 losses.

BOILERMAKERS 34
JEEP JOCKEYS 28

WASHINGTON STATE @ WISCONSIN

Talk about split opinions . . . either Bill Doba is or isn’t a genius, apparently. Which is true of all of us I suppose. Nobody’s overlooking the Pac-10 this year, which promises to give us lots of exciting football, but Wazzu probably doesn’t have the offensive blast power to overcome Bielema’s typically stout scoring defense, especially not this early in the season, and especially not especially not at Camp Randall.

PALOUSE 12
LA, TREK! 44
(Editor’s note: This may be the most subtle scoreline in the history of POTBT . . . and there have been some even I didn’t get)

Next week:

• Indiana @ Western Michigan: Or, if you prefer, the South Bend/Niles metroplex
• Syracuse @ Iowa: Like macaroni salad, revenge is a dish best served cold–but by who?
• Oregon @ Michigan: No, but it COULD happen
• Bowling Green @ Michigan State: BGSU should just join the Big Ten and get it over with
• Fake Miami @ Minnesota: Minnesota should just join the MAC and get it over with
• Nevada @ Northwestern: Future casino operators v. the bored yuppies who will one day flock to them
• Akron @ Ohio State: At least it’s a short bus ride
• Notre Dame @ Penn State: Week 2, but somebody’s season effectively ends here
• Wisconsin @ UNLV: I already used my joke for the Northwestern game

SECOND BLOGPOLL PRESEASON BALLOT

Rank	Team	Delta
1	West Virginia	—
2	LSU	2
3	Southern Cal	—
4	Florida	2
5	Texas	1
6	Michigan	1
7	Virginia Tech	—
8	Wisconsin	2
9	Oklahoma	1
10	California	1
11	Louisville	—
12	Georgia	—
13	Ohio State	—
14	Auburn	—
15	Arkansas	4
16	UCLA	1
17	Penn State	—
18	Rutgers	—
19	Florida State	5
20	Hawaii	—
21	Nebraska	1
22	Tennessee	6
23	TCU	2
24	Miami (Florida)	2
25	South Florida	1

PRESEASON BLOGPOLL ROUNDTABLE

Pretty simple Blogpoll roundtable this week, what with only two questions:

Who’s overrated? Southern Cal is overrated. The words flying around about that team remind me of another team from recent memory: The Miami Hurricanes of the early 2000s. Remember them, loaded with five-star recruits, contending for national titles every year, occasionally winning (nothing like U$C, I know, but still), many people regarding them as an unstoppable force and potentially one of the best teams in the history of college football? They didn’t have any weak spots on the roster. They crushed their competition consistently. They were ferocious.

They fell apart.

Why? Most of that was Larry Coker not being able to manage all the egos and personalities involved–by the end of his time in Coral Gables, it was pretty clear the players ran the program and not the coach. He had to go. Pete Carroll is no Larry Coker but then nobody thought Larry Coker was Larry Coker in 2002.

Not only that, but people are expecting a LOT of John David Booty, who was fine as an unknown and unproven quarterback in ‘06, but comes into this season as a highly-regarded Heisman hopeful who will be under the intense scrutiny that goes along with being an early Heisman favorite. Even though Booty certainly comports himself well and seems to be pretty grounded, Pete Carroll and his staff are going to have to watch him to make sure he doesn’t turn into Drew Tate, the Iowa QB who eventually thought he needed to make every play into the last play of the ‘05 Capital One Bowl. Because, uh, I can kinda see that happening. And if they’re paying that much attention to the QB, what happens to the rest of the egos on the offense? I’m not saying U$C isn’t good–they are–but I just don’t believe they’ll be able to handle the scenario I see developing with John David Booty trying to do too much and the need to keep him calmed down creating a leadership vacuum elsewhere in the team.

That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it.

Who is underrated? Easy. Arkansas and Wisconsin. Even I have the ‘Backs rated low, and I don’t know why. It’s not like they don’t have an offense that can drop half a hundred on just about anyone. As for Wisconsin, I think people are rating them low because they’re worried that it will be hard to replace John Stocco at quarterback. It’s not like Tyler Donovan has never played in a game before. And the Badgers are a defensive-minded team anyway. Sure, they benefited from a slightly pastrylike schedule last year, but then again, they won their bowl game . . . against WHO? Arkansas.

HIGH-CONCEPT MUSICAL LIST

10 Verbs Which Disprove David Lee Roth’s Assertion That You Can’t Go Wrong By Giving A Song A Title Which Is Nothing More Than A Verb:

1. Squat
2. Wash
3. Paint
4. Arrange
5. Import
6. Comb
7. Alphabetize
8. Degrease
9. Mow
10. Giggle

IOWA IS NOW OFFICIALLY A PROGRAM

Yes, after years of the Iowa Hawkeyes football team teetering on the edge of greatness, it’s abundantly clear that Kirk Ferentz’s crew has finally broken the rock–the Hawks now have off-the-field issues just like everybody else. Two wide receivers using boosted credit cards, and a backup QB who no-shows for a DUI hearing. Ausgezeichnet!

How does this bode for the season? Arvell Nelson wasn’t likely to see much playing time, but Dominique Douglas saw significant playing time last season, and Anthony Bowman was expected to contribute as well. What if they’re both lost for the season?

I’m not changing my predictions. This team was always going to be be carried by its defense this year, and the key to whatever offensive success the Hawks find was going to be the running game anyway.

It’s just nice for us Hawkeye fans that we can finally count our team among the nation’s elite. These sorts of problems don’t happen just anywhere, people!

BLOGPOLL BALLOT

Rank	Team	Delta
1	West Virginia	25
2	Florida	24
3	Southern Cal	23
4	LSU	22
5	Michigan	21
6	Texas	20
7	Virginia Tech	19
8	Oklahoma	18
9	California	17
10	Wisconsin	16
11	Louisville	15
12	Georgia	14
13	Ohio State	13
14	Auburn	12
15	UCLA	11
16	Tennessee	10
17	Penn State	9
18	Rutgers	8
19	Arkansas	7
20	Hawaii	6
21	TCU	5
22	Nebraska	4
23	Notre Dame	3
24	Florida State	2
25	Kentucky	1

Am I the only one who’s not fully on board with U$C? Or who doubts Wisconsin just a little?

PALE, RESTED AND READY: THE PICKIN’ ON THE BIG TEN SEASON PREVIEW

Once again, the smell of pigskin is in the air, with a couple of leaves starting to go yellow here in Wisconsin (the state where summer is a long weekend), so it’s time for a slightly young man’s fancy to turn severely to thoughts of football.

And, once again, my customary flippancy must be tempered by sadness. For the second year in a row, a Big Ten coach has passed away during the off-season. Indiana’s Terry Hoeppner passed away in June, succumbing to the brain cancer that kept him off the IU sidelines for part of last season. Bill Lynch, the former Ball State head coach, takes over at least for now.

So, we leave the snark behind until . . . wait for it . . . NOW.

IN REVIEW: THE POSTSEASON NEVER HAPPENED

In what has to be a first, not a single Big Ten team played in a bowl game following the 2006 season. Shut up. You know it’s true.

THE COACHING SITUATION IS ALWAYS IN FLUX

Bill Lynch, as previously mentioned, takes over at Indiana. This means that in a few years he’s moved from the fourth-best coaching job in Indiana to the third-best.

Michigan State finally discovered “John L. Smith” was just Lou Tepper under an assumed name, so he got the gate, and Cincinnati’s Mark Dantonio takes over, becoming the latest pigskin psychologist to try to manage Sparty’s bipolarity.

Minnesota finally realized Glen Mason was never going to crack seven wins, so he too is gone, replaced by Tim Brewster, who I’m sure somebody out there has heard of.

But enough about that. The real question is, who’s in trouble if they don’t make something happen this year? That’s probably a very short list, starting with “Ron” and ending with “Zook.” Sure, some other coaches will feel some heat–even the exalted ground beneath Kirk Ferentz’s feet is looking a little shaky these days. But I think, barring a major letdown by somebody else, Zook is the only coach who might be doomed without a big improvement. SEGUE!

ILLINOIS: FLIP THIS HOUSE

Yup, the Zooker had better flip one house, or he’ll have to flip another. (Sorry. In the offseason the TV is permatuned to HGTV. Not my idea, but I got outvoted, 1-1.) Now, far be it from me to brag, but it seems to me that I wrote this two seasons ago:

As already mentioned, Ron Zook takes over for The Brother Of Norv. We already know that he and Larry Eustachy have independently arrived at the conclusion that nothing good ever comes of middle-aged coaches going anywhere near a frat house after midnight. We also know that, if that wasn’t the reason he got whacked at Florida, his firing was probably unfair. He did OK with Spurrier’s players, and proved himself to be a good recruiter. (You’ll know this for certain this year or next, when Urban Meyer plays for a national title with Zook’s players.) So Indigenous Woodlands People fans have good reason to be optimistic.

As usual, ignore me at your own peril. There still isn’t anybody arguing with Zook’s ability to recruit. If anything his reputation has improved, since he’s still getting great classes and now he’s getting them at Illinois. But since he has the hands-down most-frightening player in the conference (QB Isiah ‘Juice’ Williams), he’d better show some improvement in his third season. Everybody knows he inherited a team with less athletic talent than the marching band which took the field at halftime. But that’s no longer true. And the skips on this year’s schedule are Michigan State and Purdue. So the Illini had better start fast and speed up. Ending Missouri’s dark-horse run in the season opener would be a Very Good Thing.

INDIANA: [blank]

What CAN you say, really? This season looked SO promising, as the Hoosiers finally started to get traction midway through last season, only narrowly missing their first bowl game since 1993. But that’s over now. The mood of the season switches from anticipation to survival, though just as with Northwestern last year it would be unwise to curse this team with lowered expectations. Still, sigh. At least they don’t have to play Michigan or Ohio State. If their offense can rally and pull the team together, they have a shot at a bowl. But it won’t be easy, and they may not come out of the non-conference season unscathed.

IOWA: FERENTZ TAKES A MULLIGAN

It’s a fine line between “fierce competitor” and “liability,” and if Iowa fans weren’t sure which side of that line QB Drew Tate was on last season, they’re probably not alone. Tate went from Heisman candidate to benched.

For a guy like Kirk Ferentz who has made a career by making somebodies out of nobodies, now he faces a different problem: taking somebodies and keeping them somebodies. The Hawks are getting a better class of recruit these days, but that isn’t making it any easier to keep winning. Obviously.

Like Indiana, the Hawks skip Michigan and Ohio State this season, and their non-conference schedule looks easy. But unless QB Jake Christensen gets in the groove early, the first three games could be disastrous. Northern Illinois isn’t the MACrifice they once were, Syracuse nearly got the Hawks last season, and Iowa State has a shiny new golden-boy coach. Hawk fans should be prepared for any number of wins between 4 and 10 . . . it’s just too hard to call.

MICHIGAN: THE SEASON IS UNNECESSARY, THE WOLVERINES HAVE ALREADY WON

Or at least that seems to be the consensus. Hard to argue with it too, since Lloyd Carr’s team returns more quality talent than anyone else in the conference.

If there is a question, and I’m not saying there is, the question will be how the Wolverines can survive being the clear frontrunner in the conference, a position they have not been in for several years. This season it doesn’t even look like they’ll be fighting with Ohio State for conference dominance–Wisconsin looks like the clear #2 team in the Big Ten this season. But with a non-conference schedule that includes Appalachian State and (shudder) Eastern Michigan, the Wolverines will be to seven wins before you know. Even without Indiana and Iowa on the schedule.

MICHIGAN STATE: MEET THE NEW BOSS

Probably not the same as the old boss. Probably. With Drew Stanton gone and a quirky defense returning, trying to adjust to a new coaching staff, it’s very easy to look askance at Sparty’s hopes for ‘07. But Dantonio has engineered quarterbacks before, and his ‘crack the whip’ style might accidentally cause the Spartans to start playing smart football. That alone would justify the coaching change. No Illinois or Purdue games this season.

MINNESOTA: THERE ISN’T A GOOD HEADLINE HERE EITHER

You know why.

Enter Tim Brewster (who?), tight ends coach for the Denver Broncos, taking over just as the university begins serious work on its forthcoming on-campus football stadium. Can Brewster generate some excitement in a town not notorious for loving Gopher football? Can he at least continue Glen Mason’s tradition of making it to fifth-tier bowl games? Especially given all the talent he’ll have to replace? Again, pretty hard to predict. It would help if he could beat North Dakota State by more than one point.

NORTHWESTERN: FIND ANOTHER WAY

If last season was a writeoff, this season can’t be. Randy Walker had made Northwestern into a solid mid-pack Big Ten team prior to his death last offseason. Pat Fitzgerald didn’t have enough time to get the Wildcats’ house back in order last year, so if it turned out an underwhelming season, who can really be upset? This year, though, there can’t be as many excuses. Last season’s team was green, this season’s is more experienced. Same goes for the coach. But maybe NU can rattle off three straight to start the year (Northeastern, Nevada, Duke), which might start the Purple Passion going. No Penn State or Wisconsin games this season.

OHIO STATE: NOT RELOADING, REBUILDING

Sorry, Bucknuts, but it’s true. After stinking it up in the national title game and watching almost every name player take off, the proper term to follow “re-” is “build.” As in, it ain’t gonna be like last year. True, an untested Buckeye is probably still a pretty good player, and Jim Tressel can coach a team up to potential, but still, #3 in the conference. MAYBE #2 if Wisconsin’s success from last season turns out to be more a gift from the scheduling gods than the result of anything Bret Bielema did. But not #1. Not this year. So join the rest of us who just watch the games because they’re fun. But you won’t watch Iowa or Indiana games this season.

PENN STATE: NO, HE’S NOT

Retiring. We bring it up every year for no good reason. Only God knows when Paterno will hang it up, and you know what I’m implying.

It was a pretty not-too-bad season last season for the Nits, spoiled only by some ugly non-football stuff. If any coach can smooth those troubled waters, it’s JoePa, particularly if he can rattle off a nice string of victories to start the season. Game #2 is Notre Dame, though, and even if they’re coming to Happy Valley, that’s no gimme. Look, no Minnesota or Northwestern! Uh, that may not be a good thing.

PURDUE: TIMING IS EVERYTHING

And Joe Tiller picked an excellent time to have a pretty good season last year–I thought he was a goner. Look for more basketball-on-grass from Pete’s offense this year, and maybe the defense will stiffen up too. And maybe some year I’ll actually care enough about Purdue football to bother researching them a little bit.

WISCONSIN: LUCKY, GOOD, OR BOTH?

Everyone should have a first year on the job like Bret Bielema. Even though Barry Alvarez’s shadow is only slightly smaller than Vince Lombardi’s in Wisconsin, he managed to make his case with a 12-1 season that far surpassed anyone’s expectations.

But that was last year.

Now what?

John Stocco is gone, but then again, Bielema only has to replace John Stocco. Tyler Donovan has enough game experience to give the Badger freaks a little breathing room. The defense promises to be just as good as last year’s squad. But let’s face it, Wisconsin got a HUGE boost from the schedule gods last year, not having to face Michigan and Ohio State, neither of which they would’ve beaten (in all likelihood). They’re both back on the schedule, while Purdue and Michigan State rotate off. Making another bowl game shouldn’t be a problem, but reliving last year’s success might be tougher. We’ll just have to see what Bielema and his Badgers are made of.

SPOILER ALERT!!

Since I’m never wrong about these things, you might as well take this to the bank.

1. Michigan
2. Wisconsin
3. Penn State
4. Ohio State
5. Iowa
6. Indiana
7. Illinois
8. Purdue
9. Michigan State
10. Northwestern
11. Minnesota