PICKIN’ ON THE BIG TEN V07.01

Yes, in fact, I am ready for some football. And just in time too! Yeah . . . just in time to not see the games since they’re all going to be on a network currently being beamed only to three very confused Lithuanian department-store security guards who do not understand the strange behavior of the Americans who inexplicably have shown up on their closed-circuit TV system and would really like the camera in the Juniors department to start working again.

Since we’re in the spirit of taking things away, I might as well tell you I’ve made a slight policy change: I will no longer be previewing those stupid I-AA exhibition games. Life is too short to Google Indiana State football. I might make exceptions for those games where I think there’s a chance of the hydrant soaking the dog and not vice versa. But otherwise . . . no. These games do not exist to me. I understand why they’re played and why they’re important. But they’re every bit as worthless as NFL preseason games, and I don’t care about those either.

Of course that means there are only 1.5 good games in the Big Ten this week, and that’s coming from three games which could be halfway good. The real football starts next week.

MISSOURI @ ILLINOIS @ ST. LOUIS, WHICH LAST I KNEW WAS IN MISSOURI AND NOT ILLINOIS BUT WHO ASKED ME?

Okay, I used to do a Pickin’ on the Big XII too, back before I had multiple children, so I am familiar with theoeuvre of Gary Pinkel. I think he’s a good coach but not necessarily a great one who is stuck at a school where football just doesn’t matter, not at all. He did a decent job last season, perhaps because expectations were low after Brad Smith finally graduated, and perhaps because he was sitting on such a hot seat that his office smelled like seared bumflesh. This year many are looking to Mizzou as a team that could make a run at the Big XII North, a division which defines the term “leadership vacuum.”

Zook we know about, him and his great recruiting classes and his larder of highly-regard recruits who under his tutelage manage to win the same two games every year. He’s a got a great weapon in Is*CLANK*i*FWOOSH*ah *plop* “Juice” *scramblescrambleSACK* Will*INT!*iams, but somehow that didn’t seem to work out too well last season. Oh well. There’s no QB controversy in Urbaign this season, only the question of who will double Zook’s win total with his recruits next season. Winning this game would be a powerful statement about the return of Illinois football . . . or the immnent arrival of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
IN THE CHASE 37
IN THE DRINK 13

NORTHERN ILLINOIS @ IOWA @ SOLDIER FIELD, WHICH IS IN NORTHERN ILLINOIS NOT IOWA, SO OBVIOUSLY IT’S TIME TO RETURN GEOGRAPHY TO SCHOOL CURRICULA

Oh, trust me–this is a very losable game for the Hawkeyes. New QB, minus a couple wide receivers, which is not a position the Hawks were deep at to begin with, a huge off-field distraction the week before the season opener . . . it doesn’t matter than NIU will be breaking in a new running back; at this point, Larry Csonka could give the Hawkeyes fits. Iowa fans know there’s one game every season where the team never gets off the bus mentally . . . this had better not be it. But I’m worried.
TAILBACK U 17
UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS AT IOWA CITY 28

UAB @ MICHIGAN STATE AND WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT, THE GAME’S ACTUALLY BEING PLAYED IN EAST LANSING

And thus begins the Mark Dantonio era at MSU, against a team that caused a little trouble for some decent programs last season and probably, talentwise, is a little ahead of Minnesota. Dantonio’s Cincy teams were always well-balanced and there’s a better-than-0% shot that Sparty could start the season 3-0 and ranked around #24 before heading off to Notre Dame on the 22nd of September. But there’s a better-than-0% shot that they could gack away this game, too. I think they hold on, but I would not want to be that Detroit radio guy’s cardiologist come early November.
ROMAN GOD STATUE 10
GREEK WARRIOR REPLICA 21

BOWLING GREEN @ MINNESOTA, WHOSE STADIUM IS NOT YET ON CAMPUS

The new Minnesota coach, *Mumble*, swears he’s going to turn around the attitude towards Gopher football in a city and a state that looks upon college football in general and Gopher football in particular like a dish of tater tot casserole mistaken left on the kitchen cupboard overnight. *Mumble* had better be careful. It is possible for Minnesota sports fans to care less about Gopher football than they already do. Here’s one of the half-good games, folks. Minnesota could make a serious run at the MAC title this season.
ROOSTERS 17
BREWSTERS 23

FLORIDA INTERNATIONAL @ PENN STATE

I said I wasn’t gonna pick the I-AA games. I still feel compelled to pick this one even though FIU might not be able to go .500 in I-AA.

Oh, wait, it’s actually the Football Championship Subdivision, which sounds like something you’d find on the outskirts of Tuscaloosa. Whatever. Just by mentioning this game I’ve already said too much.
THROWN TO THE LIONS 0
LIONS 66

PURDUE @ TOLEDO

Yeah, I know . . . AT?

Well, Joe Tiller saved his job last year, and Toledo is under the eyes of the NCAA these days, so there’s not much doubt about how this game will go. But then the only certainty in Purdue football these days is at least 4 losses.

BOILERMAKERS 34
JEEP JOCKEYS 28

WASHINGTON STATE @ WISCONSIN

Talk about split opinions . . . either Bill Doba is or isn’t a genius, apparently. Which is true of all of us I suppose. Nobody’s overlooking the Pac-10 this year, which promises to give us lots of exciting football, but Wazzu probably doesn’t have the offensive blast power to overcome Bielema’s typically stout scoring defense, especially not this early in the season, and especially not especially not at Camp Randall.

PALOUSE 12
LA, TREK! 44
(Editor’s note: This may be the most subtle scoreline in the history of POTBT . . . and there have been some even I didn’t get)

Next week:

• Indiana @ Western Michigan: Or, if you prefer, the South Bend/Niles metroplex
• Syracuse @ Iowa: Like macaroni salad, revenge is a dish best served cold–but by who?
• Oregon @ Michigan: No, but it COULD happen
• Bowling Green @ Michigan State: BGSU should just join the Big Ten and get it over with
• Fake Miami @ Minnesota: Minnesota should just join the MAC and get it over with
• Nevada @ Northwestern: Future casino operators v. the bored yuppies who will one day flock to them
• Akron @ Ohio State: At least it’s a short bus ride
• Notre Dame @ Penn State: Week 2, but somebody’s season effectively ends here
• Wisconsin @ UNLV: I already used my joke for the Northwestern game

SECOND BLOGPOLL PRESEASON BALLOT

Rank	Team	Delta
1	West Virginia	—
2	LSU	2
3	Southern Cal	—
4	Florida	2
5	Texas	1
6	Michigan	1
7	Virginia Tech	—
8	Wisconsin	2
9	Oklahoma	1
10	California	1
11	Louisville	—
12	Georgia	—
13	Ohio State	—
14	Auburn	—
15	Arkansas	4
16	UCLA	1
17	Penn State	—
18	Rutgers	—
19	Florida State	5
20	Hawaii	—
21	Nebraska	1
22	Tennessee	6
23	TCU	2
24	Miami (Florida)	2
25	South Florida	1