PICKIN’ ON THE BIG TEN, v2007.02

. . . WHERE LLOYD CARR IS OFFICIALLY OFF OUR CHRISTMAS CARD LIST

Why, you ask? Simple.

Thanks to him, now I have to pick all those stupid I-AA Football Championship Subdivision games, because Anything Is Now Possible. Even though you and I know that it’s not.

It’s like this: Big Ten defenses, for whatever reason, just don’t seem to be able to handle spread offenses, especially when those offenses are executed well. For proof of this . . . well, geesh, where do I begin? How about with last year’s Iowa/Indiana game, where Terry Hoeppner’s variant of the spread just destroyed Kirk Ferentz’s version of the Cover 2? The Michigan/Appy State game had to look familiar to any Hawkeye fan, accustomed as we are to sitting in stunned disbelief, wondering why there is absolutely no one covering the space inside the hash marks.

The solution, if the conference is going to maintain any credibility whatsoever, is simple: More Big Ten teams need to run the spread. That’s the only way to raise the level of defensive execution. Otherwise, the endless thaw/freeze cycle of great conference competition followed by bowl-game debacles will leave the Big Ten as rough and nauseating as I-90 across southern Minnesota. Only if failure to stop the spread offense becomes a threat to winning the conference will the Big Ten ever recover its national reputation.

But remember, I said that Big Ten teams only struggled against those schools who ran the spread well. Thus, in the long run, Michigan losing to Appy State might be an embarassment, but it won’t lead to change. For that to happen, some school like Northwestern or Indiana needs to ride their creepy brand of ninja football all the way to Pasadena. Which ain’t happening this year.

I biffed on Bowling Green over coach *mumble*’s Gophers last week, and would have missed on the obvious game, but I nailed everything else last week, so put me at 9-2 for the season. Dang it.

WESTERN ILLINOIS @ ILLINOIS

Illinois proved it could score even without Juice Williams last week. The Angry Indigenous Woodlands People also proved that their patented Matador Defense is still intact, and until they can give up fewer points than they can score, it’s going to be a long season. WIU isn’t all that bad–but they’re no Appy State.

Of course, Illinois’s no Michigan, either. And Ron Zook is no Llo . . . wait. Gobs of star recruits, inexplicable inability to make the pieces fit together . . . maybe Ron Zook IS Lloyd Carr.

MACOMB 13

GO HOME 44

INDIANA @ WESTERN MICHIGAN

In a game which will reverberate all the way from Niles to Mishawaka, Indiana joins the short list of Big Ten teams willing to play a MAC team on the road. The Hoosiers were pretty sharp last week in their dismantling of Indiana State, but then that’s what you would expect. It’s trendy right now to see this as likely being a close game, and Indiana’s unproven defense didn’t prove much in week one, but when IU gets its offense in sync, they can move the ball against anyone, and that certainly includes the Broncos. So I don’t see this as being a very close game.

LYNCH 45

FLINCH 24

SYRACUSE @ IOWA

Last year’s Syracuse game served as a not-so-distant early warning to the Hawkeye faithful that Something Was Not Right. Drew Tate was a last-minute scratch and the offense proved offensive, forcing the defense to win the game–literally, with a goal-line stand being the only reason the Hawks came out of the Carrier Dome with a victory.

This year the Northern Illinois opener gave Iowa fans a good idea of what to expect–a smothering defense and a powerful running game without much in the way of an aerial attack. Jake Christensen was no better than okay in the opener, but nobody can complain about how the defense played last week. Christensen and the o-line had better improve quickly, because the Orange would love nothing more than to replace last year’s near-upset with this year’s upset. In the end, Iowa should wear down Syracuse’s defense, but if this game is tied at the half–or even if the Hawks are down by ten points–I won’t be totally shocked. Sad, frightened, and confused, certainly–but not totally shocked.

REMEMBER 44? WE DO 13

REMEMBER 2006? WE DO 28

OREGON @ MICHIGAN

Look, Michigan didn’t play well last week, but they’re not a bad football team, just an ill-prepared one. The only real question is whether one week is enough time to plug a few of the holes from last week’s depantsing. The predictocracy is calling for a swift bounceback this week, suggesting that (a) people think Oregon isn’t as good as Appy State(?) or (b) Lloyd Carr has finally found some emotion and passion somewhere and has instantly installed that in his football team. I find both to be doubtful propositions.

What isn’t doubtful is that Googling the phrase “smothering oregon defense” yields nothing positive about the Ducks football team, so get set for a wild one, one of those “last team with the ball wins” sort of affairs.

DUCK! DUCK! 43

COOKED GOOSE 44

BOWLING GREEN @ MICHIGAN STATE

Okay, UAB might be supernaturally bad, but so, apparently, is Minnesota. Mark Dantonio had a strong showing in his debut, with Sparty’s offense looking positively ferocious. Can he keep it going this week? Sure. Why not? BGSU almost lost to Minnesota, for cryin’ out loud.

UNIVERSITY OF ALMOST TOLEDO 10

WELL UNDER THE RADAR 44

FAKE MIAMI @ MINNESOTA

Coach *mumble* would up face down on the Metrodome turf after last week’s game, proving that what he lacks in experience, he makes up for in bravery. I wouldn’t even use the bathrooms at the Humpty Dump. *mumble* proved he can make some adjustments, abandoning a dreadful passing game in favor of a rushing attack in the second half, but just like his predecessor and his predecessor’s predecessor, he sorta forgot there are TWO phases to the game. It was a great comeback, but when a MAC team goes for two in the first OT in your stadium, uh, that’s an indication that they don’t respect your defense at all.

Now if only Fake Miami had an offense . . .

ROETHLISBERGER 21

RUTHLESS BUNGLERS 42

NEVADA @ NORTHWESTERN

Nevada has a good defense but a very one-dimensional offense. Northwestern isn’t a defensive powerhouse but, as you might expect, they play pretty smart and sneaky offense. Nevada may have left some pieces of their soul in Lincoln last weekend, while Northwestern wasn’t brilliant versus Northeastern, but I think Pat Fitzgerald’s squad can overpower the Wolf Pack. Maybe.

DOGS 24

CATS 28

AKRON @ OHIO STATE

Lorem ipsum loquitur . . .

WHERE THE RUBBER MEETS THE ROAD 0

WHERE MAC TEAMS GO TO GET PAID 56

NOTRE DAME @ PENN STATE

Last week’s FIU game revealed nothing about Penn State. Last week’s Georgia Tech game revealed a lot about the Domers. Jimmy Clausen will start at quarterback against a Penn State defense that won’t be impressed with him. At all.

CRUNCHY PICKLES 0

GRILLED STICKIES 48

EASTERN ILLINOIS @ PURDUE

Imisdibus yumidsibus wealmisdibus . . .

TONY ROMO U 18

DREW BREES U 44

WISCONSIN @ UNLV

The last time Wisconsin played at Sam Boyd Stadium, the power just happened to go out just after the game became official and just before the Badgers were about to cover the spread. I’m not saying anything, I’m just saying that if the power goes out all over Las Vegas on Friday night . . .

BEER AND BRATS 45

BEER AND SLOTS 10

Next week:

• Illinois at Syracuse: The ‘Cuse finally gets a Big Ten win
• Akron at Indiana: OSU softened ‘em up for the Hoosiers
• Iowa at Iowa State: Dumping chlorine in the Gene pool
• Notre Dame at Michigan: Wow, who cares NOW?
• Pittsburgh at Michigan State: Dantonio and Wannstedt have met before
• Minnesota at Florida Atlantic: A game to build the reputation of the Big Ten Network
• Duke at Northwestern: Duke football is the gift that keeps on giving
• Ohio State at Washington: TRAP GAME!
• Buffalo at Penn State: Um . . .
• Central Michigan at Purdue: Now that Brian Kelly is gone, this game is a dud
• The Citadel at Wisconsin: Thanks, Lloyd