PICKIN’ ON THE BIG TEN, v2007.04

Editor’s note: Mark Hasty is on one of his all-too-frequent Hawkeye-induced “vacations.” We had to go to great lengths to find a guest columnist for this week, but as you’ll see, we succeeded. We found a man who needs no introduction, mostly because he always gives himself one . . .

“This is Howard Cosell, and I realize that my appearance in this space may cause considerable consternation among those of you who believed me to be deceased. Let me assure you that I am. Yet not even my sepulchral sequestration can blind me to the fact that the inaptly and ineptly named Big Ten Conference is nothing more than a bitter, tragic joke. Not only are their counting skills atrocious, but with the possible exceptions of the Ohio State Buckeyes and the Nittany Lions of Pennsylvania State University, no team in the conference can truly be called ‘big.’

“Nevertheless, since opportunities to express my opinion are scarce to come by in my present state of affairs, I am truly honored to pick this week’s games on behalf of the distinguished Mr. Hasty. May he get well soon, and may his exact whereabouts be determined quickly. Now, without further ado, let us turn our attention to the games.”

ILLINOIS @ INDIANA

“The fortunes of the Fighting Illini have fallen dramatically since the days of Harold ‘Red’ Grange and other of his ilk. It is always a tragedy when a once-storied program finds itself in a state of utter collapse. Yet a greater tragedy by far is when a talented and beloved coach passes from this life entirely too soon. Such is the case with the Hoosiers of Indiana University.

“Both these teams, to be quite frank, have overachieved thus far this season. The expectations of both programs were as low as they could be. But how often must the conventional wisdom be proved wrong before we all learn to question that to which everyone is quick to assent?

“These teams match up reasonably well, with Illinois’ rushing attack, Indiana’s unrelenting aerial assault, and neither team’s ability to play wonderful defense. Momentum in football always favors the home team, and I believe that oft-cited dictum will attend here.”

PENN STATE @ MICHIGAN

“Joseph Paterno has been coaching the Penn State Nittany Lions so long that I actually remember him. Though his teams have hit some misfortune both on and off the field in recent years, he has admirably answered the naysayers who regarded him as too old to coach the contemporary student-athlete.

“Meanwhile, the coaching skills of Lloyd Carr have been called into question, and not without some justification. The Wolverines simply have not played like a storied program, but rather like a school which ought to have a compass direction as part of its name.

“Though this game will be played in Michigan Stadium, site of many a legendary battle over the years, I believe that Michigan has already proven what it can do against a quality team. Nothing. Nothing whatsoever. Penn State shall be triumphant, and the calls for Carr’s immediate dismissal will grow ever more shrill.”

PURDUE @ MINNESOTA

“Speaking of tragedy, which we were previously, there is perhaps none more tragic than that which has befallen Minnesota football. It certainly is not the fault of their coach, Tim Brewster, who did not ask the university to fire Glen Mason, the most successful Gopher coach since Bernie Bierman himself. Yet now he finds himself with a team which, as it ever was, cannot defend the pass, at precisely the time that Joe Tiller brings his Air Force squadron to town. Games like this are why college football can never surpass the popularity of the NFL.”

MICHIGAN STATE @ NOTRE DAME

“Ask around the campus of the University of Notre Dame and they will tell you that responsibility for their current misfortune may be laid solely at the feet of one man: Tyrone Willingham, a man who has not been the coach at that storied institution for three seasons. He, they say, is the reason that Charlie Weis, late of the New England Patriots, is experiencing such turmoil in this, his third season.

“Ask again the extent to which Willingham’s own execrable third season was the fault of HIS immediate predecessor, Bob Davie, and you will be met with dull stares and silence.

“Nevertheless, one must be careful not to assume that the difference in attitude towards Weis and Willingham is racial in origin. If there is one thing Jack Roosevelt Robinson and the other pioneers of the black athlete have secured for their progeny, it is the right to be judged on their achievements or lack thereof. If the Fighting Irish wish to cut Weis some additional slack simply because they feel greater affection for the man, that is their prerogative. It is perhaps duplicitous, but it is their prerogative. As for this game, Michigan State shall simply slaughter the Irish, who are a horrible football team right now and are likely to remain such.”

NORTHWESTERN @ OHIO STATE

“I truly apologize, but some things are simply beneath the dignity of a journalist such as myself.”

IOWA @ WISCONSIN

“An interesting philosophical question, one which we all must ponder, is the following: Are my personal strengths stronger than my weakenesses are weak? That question is both relevant and germane to this football game because both of these teams appear to be fatally flawed. The Iowa Hawkeyes have been firm and unyielding on defense, yet to surrender a single touchdown, yet their offense has proven weak. Their opponents, the Badgers of the University of Wisconsin, are quite the opposite. They score points almost at will, yet they yield points almost at their opponent’s will.

“So, then, whose strength is stronger than their weakness is weak?

“Two factors force my hand in choosing this game. Football always favors the home team, all else being equal, which it seldom is, and the game favors the offense, since they are allowed to act, while the defense must react. Thus I must choose the Badgers in this game, a decisive victory for their young coach Bret Bielema, who played for and graduated from the university he must now oppose.”

Next week:

• Penn State @ Illinois: If the Illini are ‘back,’ they need this game
• Indiana @ Iowa: This was the point at which Iowa’s season fell apart last year
• Ohio State @ Minnesota: Look away, look FAR away
• Michigan @ Northwestern: So Michigan DOES play road games! Who knew?
• Notre Dame @ Purdue: Good news, Chuck: Purdue doesn’t play defense
• Michigan State @ Wisconsin: Battle for the Big Ten Dark Horse title