PICKIN’ ON THE BIG TEN, v2007.06

For the most part, I don’t wanna talk about it. You know, football. Sure, it’s my favorite sport–I mean, pretty much the ONLY sport I follow–but honestly, I’m about ready to sign up for those treatments Jim Carrey got in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind: I don’t care if I have to forget everything as long as I don’t have to remember . . .

I said last week would be an important one in terms of sorting out the conference. It was. It showed that, basically, this year, it’s the Big One. I have Ohio State #2 in my Blogpoll ballot this week, based on the fact that they haven’t played a truly stinky game this year, and their win in Seattle was more impressive than U$C’s. Of course, it’s fair to say that the rest of the Bucks’ schedule is unimpressive (Youngstown State, Akron, Minnesota, Northwestern), but I think that stacks up as the rough equivalent of Idaho, Nebraska, and Washington State. Minnesota has a better offense than Nebraska, after all.

As for the rest of the conference, it’s a wash. It’s a tossup. It’s not even worth considering. Everybody else looks incredibly mortal, and everybody’s just waiting for the cover to get blown.

Speaking of blown coverage, have I mentioned that right now I kinda sorta wish I could forget about football?

WISCONSIN @ ILLINOIS

No team benefited more from last week’s nationwide football crisis than Wisconsin, who once again did just enough to win a game and found themselves #5 in the country, even though I think everybody would feel a whole lot better if they were #13 or so. Thus it behooves the Badgers to lose this game so they no longer need be overrated. And make no mistake, this is a very losable game for Wisky. The match of Illinois and Ron Zook may have taken a while to come to fruition, but why do I have a sneaking feeling that the rest of the conference is going to start looking at the Illini the way gardeners look at zucchini?

MINNESOTA @ INDIANA

Look, everybody knows the Gophers are not a great football team right now. They’re still mistake-prone, and they’ve yet to learn that the defensive backfield must provide, y’know, defense. Comes now the Indiana Hoosiers and their barn-fire offense, not exactly what the Gophers need to see. A win here makes Indiana’s first bowl berth since 1993 practically a layup. Which is always a good term to use when you’re talking about basketball schools . . .

EASTERN MICHIGAN @ MICHIGAN

I’d like to say they can’t, but you know that Anything Is Possible This Year In College Football. Therefore, I must briefly consider the possibility that the Wolverines might lose to a directional school located about 10 miles from its campus.

considerconsiderconsiderconsider . . .

No. The Eagles defense is giving up close to 400 yards a game, and the best team they’ve played so far is either Vanderbilt or Ball State.

NORTHWESTERN @ MICHIGAN STATE

It’s hard to imagine a defining game just six games into Mark Dantonio’s tenure in East Lansing, but here it is. If he wants to forver exorcise Sparty’s mental demons, his team needs to come out strong against the Wildcats and their creepy brand of ninja football™. This is exactly the sort of game Sparty usually lost under both Bobby Williams and John L. Smith: a hanging curveball against a clearly inferior opponent the week after a heartbreaking loss to a good team. I expect Dantonio to bring all kinds of heat against a not-that-bad Northwestern offense, then run the ball right up the middle all day long. It’s a battle between MSU and Illinois for the title of Most Improved Team in the Big Ten; expect this game to make Sparty’s case.

IOWA @ PENN STATE

If this game were a movie, it would have been made in 1988 and it would have starred Wings Hauser and Yaphet Kotto as two cops who can’t stand each other but have to work together to solve a case that has great personal meaning to both of them. Moreover, it would be airing on Starz! at 3:15 on a Wednesday morning, you’d be able to finish every line of dialog before the actors could, and you’d watch about six minutes of it before turning over to The Weather Channel.

(N.b.: Wings Hauser and Yaphet Kotto did, in fact, appear together in a 1987 Perry Mason TV movie.)

OHIO STATE @ PURDUE

Purdue has been putting up arenaball numbers all season. They have yet to face a defense ranked in the top 100 nationally.

Ohio State is a top 2 defense.

Purdue, on the other hand, has the tenth-best defense . . . in the Big Ten. Crikey, they gave up 19 points to Notre Dame!

Next week:

• Illinois @ Iowa: There’s a new I-school genius now
• Purdue @ Michigan: This one will be extremely ugly
• Indiana @ Michigan State: With a possible trip to San Antonio on the line
• Minnesota @ Northwestern: Win now, or watch it all slip away
• Kent State @ Ohio State: Why?
• Wisconsin @ Penn State: Age and experience can’t always beat youth and treachery