TEN RANDOM THOUGHTS, OCTOBER 10, 2007

1. With the arrival of the first industrial-strength cold front of the fall, I’ve switched into my seasonal uniform: colored t-shirt, flannel shirt, jeans, and hiking boots. For the next six months, wherever I go, it’s 1993.
2. Speaking of 1993, it’s been a couple years since the last VH1 list of 100 things, so now you’d better go vote for the 100 Greatest Songs Of The ’90s. And in case you wre wondering, Biz Markie’s “Just A Friend” came out in 1989 and isn’t eligible. Their choice of Soundgarden’s “Black Hole Sun” throws the whole list into suspicion–everybody knows the best song on Superunknown was “Fell On Black Days”.
3. I would rather hear Joe Paterno read the entire Pittsburgh telephone book than hear “Hey There Delilah” one more time.
4. Okay, my votes in the VH1 thing: #1 “Smells Like Teen Spirit” (how CAN you pick anything else?), #2 “You Oughta Know”, #3 “Jeremy”, #4 “Interstate Love Song”, #5 “Killing Me Softly With his Song”, #6 “My Lovin’ (You’re Never Gonna Get It), #7 “Everlong”, #8 “Mind Playing Tricks On Me”, #9 “You Get What You Give” (the New Radicals album was great, I don’t care what anybody else thinks), #10 “Closing Time”.
5. But the whole thing is suspect because among your choices were *NSYNC’s “Tearing Up My Heart” and Right Said Fred’s “I’m Too Sexy”.
6. And I sort of feel bad about not voting for Radiohead’s “Creep” but let’s face it, they’ve gone in a completely different direction since Pablo Honey.
7. I used to like McGriddles until I saw that the one I liked best has 560 calories and 32 grams of fat. Good grief, what is IN those things? Egg McMuffin = 300 calories and 12 grams of fat.
8. I’m not saying it’s cold in my office but I think I’m getting frostbite.
9. Today is Brett Favre’s 38th birthday. Outsiders may wonder how we mark this occasion here in Wisconsin. At noon, the town sirens all go off and we all bow in the direction of Kiln, Mississippi for exactly 4 minutes. Then all able-bodied adults go outside and march one block for every consecutive game Favre has started. (Not such a big deal–you only have to complete 61.2% of it.)
10. As a native Iowan, I can conclusively say it’s high time that somebody else got to have the first-in-the-nation primary/caucus. Just be careful what you ask for, ye in other states who feel slighted. It’s a less-than-wonderful experience. Just the advertising ALONE is profoundly tedious.

10 THINGS TO REMEMBER AS THE FOOTBALL SEASON BEGINS

1. Most of the players whose names you’ll be hearing all season will not amount to squat in the NFL.
2. Every year College GameDay becomes more about College GameDay and less about college games being played today.
3. Neither the Big Ten nor the cable companies actually need each other in order to make money. If they did, they’d have made a deal already.
4. And if the NFL can’t get a deal done, what hope is there for a regional college sports network demanding essentially the same terms?
5. I mean, honestly, it hurts me to say this, but HGTV has a much larger potential audience than Big Ten football, and you don’t hear about them making these sorts of demands. The Big Ten is the only party that stands to lose money in this deal, so my advice is just shut up, go on an optional programming tier, and deal with it.
6. Recruiting message boards are still creepy.
7. And DJ Gallo still isn’t funny.
8. There are only two college coaches who should star in their own reality shows. One is Steve Spurrier and the other isn’t.
9. Some team in the top ten right now is going to turn out to be a major, major disappointment.
10. Likewise, some team not ranked at the moment will crack the top ten before November.

HIGH-CONCEPT MUSICAL LIST

10 Verbs Which Disprove David Lee Roth’s Assertion That You Can’t Go Wrong By Giving A Song A Title Which Is Nothing More Than A Verb:

1. Squat
2. Wash
3. Paint
4. Arrange
5. Import
6. Comb
7. Alphabetize
8. Degrease
9. Mow
10. Giggle

DON’T FORGET . . .

Ten Things You May Not Need To Remember, But You’d Better Not Forget:

1. Nominations for Cost Saver of the Week are due to Tammi in Human Resources no later than 3 pm Thursday.
2. For purposes of alternate side winter parking, a ‘day’ begins at 11 PM the preceding day.
3. Leaving the ‘Block non-ICP packets’ box unchecked in the Default Profile dialog box may leave you vulnerable to open-relay TCM/IPW attacks.
4. The next person who doesn’t wipe off the top of the mustard bottle after they’re done using it is gonna be eating a knuckle sandwich.
5. Just because you’re a Pre-Tribulationist doesn’t mean you won’t have cockroaches in your root cellar.
6. The restrooms are for customer use only, and the cashier does not give change for the bus.
7. Personnel are not allowed to punch in more than three minutes prior to the start of their scheduled shift without the approval of a manager.
8. Public displays of affection are prohibited on school grounds during all times when class is in session.
9. There is considerable disagreement over whether Native Americans constitute an example of a ’stateless nation.’
10. The ’slippery slope’ is a fallacy; the fact that a dividing line is difficult to draw does not mean that a line cannot be drawn at all.

SHUFFLE FOR A SNOWY SUNDAY

1. “Dora Goes to Town” (Andrew Bird)
2. “Timothy” (dada)
3. “All at Sea” (Jamie Cullum)
4. “Can’t Get Enough of You Baby” (Smash Mouth)
5. “Lamento” (Duke Pearson & Flora Purim)
6. “Moms TV” (American Music Club)
7. “I Apologise” (Husker Du)
8. “Never Recover” (The Cardigans)
9. “Follow Your Bliss” (B-52’s)
10. “Here Comes Your Man” (Pixies)

CONFUSE-YOUSE SAY . . .

What I Hope Are My Next Ten Fortune Cookies

1. General Tso really likes your chicken better.
2. Your enemies will become famous in a spectacularly humiliating fashion.
3. They will pick Drew Carey over Louie Anderson to star in the movie about your life.
4. Everyone at the table will give you $20.
5. You will take a short, insignificant journey in the distant future.
6. Help! I’m being held prisoner in a metaphor for cultural hegemony!
7. Your idea for “sweet OR sour pork” is not good.
8. Confucius say, “I can decline verbs in English just fine.”
9. Certainly, but not with you.
10. In fact, you CAN tell the difference between cilantro and grass clippings.

TEN RANDOM THOUGHTS #12

1. If I ever hear about lonely rails and tawny omnivores again, I’m going to knock all the stuff off my bookshelves. And I have a lot of bookshelves. Now, before you whine ask, O great Outwit The West contestants, let’s get a couple things straight: (a), I don’t know the answer; that was just my best guess based on those wacked-out phrases that kept popping up in my referral logs; (b), I have exactly zero interest in researching the answer out of the goodness of my heart; meaning (c), there is no further help from me unless you submit a request wrapped in $100 bills. I’m starting to miss the days when people came here looking for pictures of Destiny Stahl, and that’s saying something.
2. It’s really getting tiresome to hear all the plangent babble about “who would want the Alabama head coaching job?”. Here’s who: some currently-ascending coordinator or mid-major head coach who figures he’ll get run out of town in three years but knows that at least along the way he might make a couple million bucks. Coaching the Crimson Tide is a thankless task, but if you begin the task by expecting failure, it could be a good way to make some quick bucks.
3. You wanna talk about a sinus infection? I’ve been blowing my nose so hard the last few days, I strained my neck.
4. These are the sort of phrases fathers wind up uttering when they stay home sick for a day: “This pile of shredded pages is called My First Word Book? Looks like it’s time for My Second Word Book.” “Why don’t we just butter the whole house and get it over with?” “I could get $50 for you on eBay, you know.” “I wish I was at work, so I could relax a little.”
5. Okay, I’ll say it: Those griddlecake sandwiches smell a lot better than they taste.
6. In case you’re wondering whether soynut butter can be substituted for peanut butter in holiday cookie and candy recipes, the answer is “yes” if you’re allergic to peanuts, but “no” if you aren’t.
7. When you stop and think about it, if Iowa and Texas were going to play a football game this year, the Alamo Bowl is pretty much the only appropriate place for it.
8. I finally figured out Borat: Sacha Baron Cohen found a way to laugh at people who like to laugh at people. He may be the first metahumorist.
9. Are we all missing the obvious? Shouldn’t Allen Iverson be the next head coach at Bama?
10. Who on God’s blue earth can drink a 24-ounce cup of coffee before it gets cold? I certainly can’t, and I yield to no one in my coffee guzzling.

BLACK FRIDAY, MY FOOT

Ten Wonderful Aspects of the Day After Thanksgiving:

1. Leftover stuffing: Simply the best of all Thanksgiving leftovers, especially reheated in the oven so it gets a little crusty on the outside, then topped with gravy, which is always better on day #2 anyway.
2. Guiltless napping: You broke the seal yesterday when you flopped down on that big, fluffy couch and drooled your way through the second half of the Detroit/Miami game. Today, why pretend? Crack open your bedroom window, get under the covers, and shoot for a two-hour snooze cruise.


Author and youngest daughter illustrate point #2

3. Christmas music becomes ‘legal’: You’ll be sick to death of ‘The Little Drummer Boy’ by December 10th, but for at least the rest of the weekend, all the Christmas music will still sound great to you.
4. Pumpkin pie in abundance: Hey, pumpkins are squashes. Eat your vegetables!
5. Texas/Texas A&M and Colorado/Nebraska: Two rivalry games everybody looks past, even though they’re hardly ever boring. There’s something to be said for Oregon/Oregon State, too. Football is always more interesting when the teams involved genuinely hate each other.
6. Unusually satisfying visits to the smallest room in your house. ‘Nuff said.
7. Not shopping. We finished our Christmas shopping online, in August. What do you mean you can’t find a parking space, and the $20 DVD players are all gone? Hey, have fun spending 23 minutes in the drive-through at Starbucks!
8. Only the second day of a four-day weekend. Not a big deal to me, because I don’t work Fridays anyway.
9. One-day hiatus from partisan political talk-show hatred. Instead, all your Prime Ministers of Snark are ranting today about the nuttiness of shopping on the day after Thanksgiving. Which is strange, because they’re obviously not doing it, seeing as how they’re on the radio and all.
10. The second week of deer camp. It’s the greatest time of year.

WHOSE GRIDIRON CUISINE REIGNS SUPREME?

I know that TBP posts as of late have arrived about as often as national championships in East Lansing, but really, I’m trying to change my ways, and I’m always thinking about You The Reader, except when I’m not. So pardon me for being seven or eight days late on the pas de deux between ESPN’s Len Pasquarelli and Ivan Maisel regarding which sort of football is better: college or pro?

Now, of course, you know where my loyalties lie. As we’re fond of saying in Iowa, the only reason we don’t have professional football is because if we did, Missouri and Minnesota would want it, too. The college game is all in all. Even Pat Forde had to agree, though he made the competition sound much closer than it actually is.

We are aware that we’ve trod this ground before, sort of, but you can never repeat a truth too often. So here’s ten reasons why college football is better than the NFL.

1. Accessibility. You can actually go to a college football game. Not only that, but you can afford to get in, to park, to buy a snack at the stadium, etc., etc. Several NFL teams ban tailgating at their precious properties. No college is that stupid.
2. Perspective. Unlike the NFL, where no team is eliminated until week 13, several big-time college programs will be out of the national title chase by the 10th of September. This will force their fans to stop dreaming up what-if scenarios and instead focus on watching and enjoying the games. This leads to the next way college football has it all over the NFL, namely . . .
3. No playoffs. Why is this a good thing? Because, right now, 56 teams get to say they had a good season by getting into bowl games (yes, even the New Orleans Bowl counts) and 28 teams can say they ended the year with a bowl win. If the longed-for playoff system ever comes about, how many teams will make it? Sixteen? And will fans of the first-round losers say, “Well, at least we made the playoffs”? Or will it be more fuel for fireourcoach.com? Be honest. And please–that “plus one” concept will work for maybe a couple years until there’s some dispute about who really belongs in that game.
4. Unchecked psychosis. How else do you explain Ole Miss fans and their delusions of relevance?
5. Better class of cheating. NFL cheaters need clandestine pharmacies and hypodermic needles and all that other CSI stuff. College football cheaters just need jock-sniffing lunatics with lucrative businesses.
6. Domination. Sure, it’s fun to watch NFL teams gut it out and really struggle with one another. Unless it’s an endless series of 3-and-outs for both teams, and that happens more often than NFL apologists care to admit. There’s something magic, though, about watching a good football team execute a great game plan to perfection. You hardly ever see that in the NFL. There’s too much parity.
7. Polarizing announcers. Brent Musberger’s announcing is not to my taste, but I notice him when he’s the one calling the game. Others feel similarly about a lot of NCAA announcers. NFL announcers are bland to the point of invisibility–can you tell the difference between, say, Ian Eagle and Kevin Harlan? And don’t get me started about sideline reporters.
8. Regional bigotry. Sure, we tout this a lot. But do NFC East fans and AFC South fans go at each other like, say, Big Ten and SEC fans? Sirrah, they do not. Maybe because they’ll only face each other once every four years. The bowls give us all a chance to flaunt our good taste in geography every season.
9. Bands and cheerleaders. Ancillary to football, I know, but at least college football has bands (unlike all but one NFL team), and the cheerleaders in college probably make more money and get treated better than NFL cheerleaders.
10. Second chances. When a player flames out because the coaching staff changed its philosophy or just found a new Golden Boy, a college player with remaining eligibility can always transfer. An NFL player has to beg to be traded or hang on until the contract’s up.

I think I’ve made my case, but I can always count on you readers to tell me when I’m wrong. What say you?

ONE-HIT WONDERS RE-REVISITED

Never let it be said that I’m too good to revisit an idea I had two years, one month, and one day ago.

More Possible Followups for One-Hit Wonders:

• 867-5390/Sorry
• Far From . . . OK, Frank, It’s Actually Over
• Axl F#
• Pop Goes The Unexpectedly Hip Mortgage Broker Trying To Hide His Hip-Hop Past
• I’ve Still Been Thinking About You, Since We Haven’t Played A Gig In Twelve Years
• Standing Outside A Starbucks With Money In My Hand But Not Quite Enough For Bus Fare Home
• I’d Like To Teach The World To Pick Up All These Flippin’ Coke Bottles
• I’m Not Lisa, And You’ve Been Informed About The No-Contact Order
• Low-Budget Prank Shows Killed The Video Star
• I’m-A-Gadda-Da-Volvo