DANCING UPON MY PAYCHECK

If you pick up today’s paper version of the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, you’ll see a full-page ad from the Big Ten Network, letting you know that Time-Warner’s intransigence is the reason you won’t see this weekend’s Wisconsin/Citadel matchup, a game airing exclusively on the Big Ten Network. The paper itself has even taken notice of this, and in what has to be a rare move, JS sports business reporter Don Walker has even held forth on an ad running in the paper that employs him. Sort of. It’s not like he says anything controversial.

It’s an open secret that the Big Ten Network wants to be on basic cable–all the better to sell a “potential audience” to advertisers–and that it wants $1.10 per month per subscriber from cable companies in the greater Big Ten area.

My cable company is one of those that hasn’t signed on yet and the more I think about it, the more glad I am that they’ve held out. I’m already paying more than a hundred grickles a month for digital cable and high-speed internet. I get about 125 channels, by my estimation. That tells me that they’re all getting a whole lot less than $1.10 per month each. In fact, I would imagine that most of those channels are collecting less than 25 cents a month from me. But what if my cable company gave in on this and paid the Big Ten Network $1.10 every month for the right to their programming? How many other channels would want Big Ten-type money? Would I pay $250 a month for cable? Uh, no. Not even close.

The Big Ten’s assumption is that, around here, they’ve got candy everybody wants. And they have a valid objection in that, if their programming is on a tier, customers without digital cable won’t be able to get it. (Yes, Virginia, there are still some people who don’t have digital cable. In fact, there are still some people who don’t have cable.) But is their basic assumption, that most people would gladly pay more to watch their programming, true? Does their business plan assume that cable companies wouldn’t get many complaints about the added costs involved for a channel that not everybody is going to watch? Because, heretical as this may sound, some people just aren’t all that in to sports. In fact, even on the night of the wretched BCS title game, 4 out of every 5 people will be watching something else.

I’d be furious if my cable company started paying the Soap Opera Network ten times what it currently does and passed the charge on to me. Likewise, I’d be livid if all of a sudden The Needlework Network plopped down in my basic cable and my bill went up. And I already wonder what I’m paying for RFD TV, which has to have a pretty limited audience in the Milwaukee suburbs.

Besides, it’s not like there isn’t more football–even more Big Ten football–on TV than I can watch. And I love college football. I’m not sad about missing the Wisconsin/Citadel game. I wasn’t sad about missing the Iowa/Northern Illinois and Iowa/Syracuse games. I’ve already found that following along with the written play-by-play on Yahoo Sports is a far better way to keep tabs on multiple games.

The more I think about it, the more I think that the Big Ten Network may be doomed. They can’t possibly be making any money right now, and they need the cable companies much more than the cable companies need them. Everyone is banking at this point that everything will be worked out in time for basketball season. Reading between the lines, that means that somebody is banking on the idea that Big Ten basketball is more popular than Big Ten football. Seems like a dangerous assumption to me.

RAINING ON A PARADE

Wondering what the “big announcement” Colin Cowherd has been hyping all week actually is? Here you go, 24 hours early: You’ll be able to watch streaming video of the show on the Internet.

DE-SPN

The Worldwide Leader in Sports will have to cross me off its list of vassals. ESPN, along with just about everything else in the television world, got the boot last week when we had our cable TV disconnected. (We kept the cable Internet; what sort of barbarian do you think I am?)

The decision was made partially because even expanded basic cable has reached $50 a month around here, but mostly because we didn’t like what the TV Beast was doing to our family. Everybody had carved out their own little timeslots when the TV was off limits to anyone else and only sepulchral silence was permitted in the room known as the “living room” or, sometimes, the “family room.” Given that “living” was not possible under these circumstances, and the family wound up being banned from their room for at least part of every evening, it wasn’t hard to figure out the idiot box was causing most (all) of the problem.

This is the first time I’ve been without cable since . . . uggh . . . December 1978. As in, 28 years ago. I’ve had cable for 80% of my life. Figuring an average of $25 per month (it’s probably more than that), that works out to $8,400 spent either by me or my parents to keep a steady stream of programming flowing into my presence, 99% of which I never saw.

Can you tell I don’t think it was worth it?

I made it through my first cable-less weekend just fine. It didn’t hurt that I had way, way too much to do. Still, after one week, I’m feeling pretty good about our decision.

ERNEST AND JULIO?

A shorter version (executive summary, if you will) of today’s DJ Gallo column:

• Bill Cowher spits.
• Ben Roethlisberger isn’t playing well.
• Jerome Bettis is fat.
• Pittsburgh has no pass rush.
• The Steelers aren’t blocking very well, either.
• Najeh Davenport has bowel issues.
• People in Pittsburgh have four fingers and a thumb.
• DJ’s out of Peter King jokes.

AN OPEN QUESTION FOR THE AFTERNOON

Is DJ Gallo funny and if so, why?

CELEBRATING A SMALL VICTORY

While we haven’t made up any ground on Google (boooo!) we are pleased to announce that TBP is now the #1 Phil the Showkiller website on MSN Search.

DAN NEIL: LUTHERAN-OBSESSED

Dan Neil, the Los Angeles Times’ Pulitzer Prize-winning automobile critic, gets off a nice dig at us Lutherans in today’s review of the Volvo C70 convertible:

To the point, then: There is something inexpressibly illicit about a convertible Volvo, a Nordic brand that has spent much of its history buttoned up to the chin, literally and figuratively (the sleek, be-finned Frua/Ghia-designed P1800 of the 1960s being the exception that proves the rule). Just consider the ideography of the company badge, the grille with the left-to-right slash across it, so much like the forbidding red circle-and-slash symbol. How Lutheran can you get?

This mark the second time in recent months Neil has skewered Lutherans in a car review. (See details here.) Bad form, Daniel. Surely you know that in North Carolina we’re known as “the wet Christians”? I mean, you have to know that.

NO ANSWER FOR THE ANSWER GUY

I was all set to write a new Search Engine Answer Guy today. Honest, I was. But in reviewing my searchphrase logs, I rediscovered something I’d noticed before but never bothered to investigate. Namely, I had a lot of search engine hits for ‘phil the showkiller.’

For the uninitiated, Phil ‘The Showkiller’ Ceppaglia is the producer of The Dan Patrick Show on ESPN Radio, and the former producer of Tony Kornheiser’s ESPN Radio program. Like many radio producers, Phil has been known to get a little air time. He’s a funny guy with a dry, deadpan sense of humor.

The only thing is . . . I’ve never written about him. Until right now, that is. So I have never been able to figure out why I’ve been getting so many hits on his name.

A quick search of Google revealed that, in fact, this website is the #5 result for ‘phil the showkiller’ simply because of a single comment left on one of my many anti-Jim Rome rants. What can I say? Comment spam really does equal Google juice.

Well, I for one am tired of only being on the receiving end of blatant Google voodoo. It simply will not do for The Bemusement Park to be the #5 Phil the Showkiller website. I want to be #1. But I am not willing to resort to shameless Phil the Showkiller Google bombing to make it happen. Rather, I plan to work more Phil the Showkiller content into this site, and I encourage all three of my commenters to do the same. Simple statements like, “I like this post, and I bet Phil the Showkiller would too” should go a long way towards . . . uhh . . . pushing me past Wikipedia and ESPN.com. OK, it probably won’t. This may be the #5 Phil the Showkiller website, but I guarantee we’re prouder of that fact than the top 4. Crikey, ESPN won’t even post a picture of Phil. We certainly would. If we had one. Which we don’t. But if we ever do, I promise we’ll post it. Probably.

I’ve been linked from FARK and Sports Illustrated. I’m cited twice in Wikipedia. I’ve even won a Tuesday Morning Quarterback Challenge. All that remains to make my Internet life complete is for this to become the #1 Phil the Showkiller website on the planet.

But it would be just my luck that he’s at home tonight starting a blog.

YE GODS! TMQ BACK ON PAGE 2!

It’s one thing to have Gregg Easterbrook’s Tuesday Morning Quarterback back on ESPN.com’s Page 2, where it belongs. That’s great. But what’s equally great is that they’ve restored the archive of his previous ESPN.com columns. That is just so nice.

I’m guessing they’ll never do the same with Trev Alberts.

BECOME A TBP INSIDER TODAY

We here at The Bemusement Park are pleased to announce our new TBP Insider Program. TBP Insider is a special new feature wherein we will allow you to sample some small fractions of our less-important posts, but, should we write something you might actually want to read, it will cost you $4.95 a month, conveniently billed to your credit card in perpetuity unless you request us to stop. (All requests must be submitted by telephone to Leonard, our Customer Service Representative, who can be reached by calling Smitty’s Auto Body in Ekalaka, Montana, and asking Smitty if he could run next door because you need to talk to Leonard. Leonard’s a little behind on his phone bill these days.)

In addition to full access to all TBP articles, you’ll also be allowed to access the TBP Archives, letting you catch up with the past three years of articles, providing you agree not to comment on how much better this blog was back when I only had one kid to look after. Plus you’ll receive a wide variety of other benefits, including (but not limited to):

• Your very own personalized Member Name and unique, unchangeable password (note: all member names involving Keyser Soze, Tyler Durden, and the number between 68 and 70 have been claimed already)
• An exclusive hotline e-mail address allowing you to contact me directly (note: this address has been on the sidebar for three years and has generated exactly three pieces of legitimate mail)
• Special access to exclusive TBP Insider chats, featuring M1EK, Paul, and that one other guy who leaves comments sometimes (note: actual participation of M1EK and Paul is not guaranteed)
• Our exclusive TBP Trucker Hat, only available to TBP Insiders so the whole world will know of your special status

Unfortunately, the institution of TBP Insider will mean a few changes for those of you who opt not to upgrade yourself to Platinum Procrastinator status. We promise the new Flash banner ads won’t crash your browser every time you use it, and we do guarantee that the floating ads will take up no more than 89.3% of your visible screen, but unfortunately the ‘CLOSE’ button in 3-point type (ecru on an off-white background) is pretty much mandatory. Also, you’ll only get to read my one-line posts in their entirety. Everything else will be for TBP Insider subscribers. But you can still use the blogroll.

Don’t delay–there’s only a limited number of TBP Insider subscriptions available!*

(*: Offer limited strictly limited to those willing to pay $5 a month to read a $10 per month website)