HIGH-CONCEPT MUSICAL LIST

10 Verbs Which Disprove David Lee Roth’s Assertion That You Can’t Go Wrong By Giving A Song A Title Which Is Nothing More Than A Verb:

1. Squat
2. Wash
3. Paint
4. Arrange
5. Import
6. Comb
7. Alphabetize
8. Degrease
9. Mow
10. Giggle

SHUFFLE FOR A SNOWY SUNDAY

1. “Dora Goes to Town” (Andrew Bird)
2. “Timothy” (dada)
3. “All at Sea” (Jamie Cullum)
4. “Can’t Get Enough of You Baby” (Smash Mouth)
5. “Lamento” (Duke Pearson & Flora Purim)
6. “Moms TV” (American Music Club)
7. “I Apologise” (Husker Du)
8. “Never Recover” (The Cardigans)
9. “Follow Your Bliss” (B-52’s)
10. “Here Comes Your Man” (Pixies)

HAIL, INCARNATE ADEQUACY

There’s nothing quite like spending six hours in a Taurus with three small children who don’t want to be there, but that’s how I spent my Saturday afternoon. The Director of Operations was holding the wheel, which meant that she had full control of the stereo. She likes to listen to Christian music on the radio because of the positive lyrics . . . but when the signal peters out, she switches over to top-40 country. She’s in love with all those dead-grandparent/new-baby songs, even though they only make up about 15% of what’s on top-40 country radio these days.

For some reason the Christian radio signals were extra-strong this weekend, so I got six hours to listen to Christian music in between 90-decibel crying jags from the back seat. And I feel, more than ever, that Christian songwriters need to admit defeat and start working with lyricists. The state of Christian lyrics is simply dreadful.

Lots of things are “worthy to be praised”–certainly Jesus is, but so is the Hawley-Smoot Tariff Act. For that matter, the Double Deluxe at Culver’s is also deserving of praise. Whoever invented instant powdered infant formula–you, too, are “worthy of praise.” Get the point? Even if the whole concept of “worthiness” is all over the book of Revelation, making “worthiness” the main thing you’re going to say about Jesus is like saying he probably wasn’t shorter than average. It’s a pretty minimal distinguishing characteristic.

Yet there it is, over and over. How many Christian songs don’t include this cliché?

Does anybody in Christian music read any parts of the Bible besides Revelation and the Psalms? Where’s the great music coming out of Lamentations or Ecclesiastes? Or even First John? Is no one inspired by anything other than the Rapture these days? Because, listening to Christian radio, it certainly seems like we’re all just biding time until the Second Coming.

While I’m no traditionalist, it irks me to see a blizzard of substandard, uninspired and uninspiring music drowning out the great wealth of traditional hymns, songs which have something to say besides “Jesus? Yeah, he’s pretty good.” There have been a lot of good praise and worship songs written in the last quarter century that I’ve grown to love–”Shine, Jesus, Shine,” “Lord, I Lift Your Name On High,” and “He Is Exalted” to name just three. But to me they’re just appetizers. They whet my appetite to learn more, to know more, to say more about my faith.

Some people can make a meal out of appetizers. Bully for them. We know in the long run such a diet will leave you overfed and undernourished.

SHUFFLE OFF TWO BUFFALOES

If you don’t know how the WinAmp shuffle meme works by now, I’m not sure you deserve to have it explained to you . . .

1. Pat DiNizio-Five O’Clock World
2. Back to Earth-Secret Spaces Suite, Part Six
3. Unknown Artist-The Moulin Rouge Theme
4. The Proclaimers-Sunshine On Leith
5. Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass-Spanish Flea
6. Thievery Corporation-A Gentle Dissolve
7. Eels-Permanent Broken Heart
8. The Fixx-In Suspense
9. The Residents-Dimples and Toes
10. The Proclaimers-I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)
11. Portishead-Roads
12. Pat DiNizio-I’d Rather Have The Blues
13. Jimi Hendrix-Purple Haze
14. Art Blakey & The Jazz Messengers-Lament For Stacy
15. The Walkmen-We’ve Been Had

AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION

OK, I just got a totally evil idea for a ‘tribute’ album.

Imagine There’s No Mercy: Deconstructing the Music of John Lennon features 12 classic John Lennon tracks sorted through the worst sort of cultural filters imaginable:

1. Happy Xmas (War Is Over) performed by a German oompah band
2. Across the Universe in the style of Wesley Willis, rendering it even more random and incomprehensible
3. Instant Karma! by a Western swing band
4. A Day in the Life by the Gramercy Park Madrigal Ensemble
5. I Am the Walrus arranged after the manner of Sun Ra
6. Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, klezmerized
7. Give Peace a Chance by the Texas A&M University Marching Aggies
8. Being For the Benefit of Mr. Kite a la Pantera
9. Dear Prudence in the ’smooth jazz’ style
10. Nowhere Man by a very, very untalented boy band
11. Revolution in the style of Burt Bacharach
12. Imagine rendered in telephone touch-tones

SENDING YOU AWAY

TBFKAZ is now posting under a different nym, and to celebrate, he’s introduced me to ear crack. I don’t know what else to call it. The thing is unstumpable, and just about every song is as good as the one before it.

It’s a great idea–you type in an artist or song you like, and it starts streaming similar music. But how do you stop? I mean, I see the stop button, and obviously you can close the window. But why would you stop listening to music you like?

CAN’T GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD

Is Electric Light Orchestra good or not? I can’t decide.

SWEETLY SINGING O’ER THE PLAIN

Since last year I made note of the Christmas carols I’d like to see go away forever, I figured I’d start off this holiday season on a gentler, more positive note. Hence, here are ten Christmas songs I never seem to get tired of. No particular order, although the first one is my favorite. This list both augments and supplants last year’s shorter list.

• Angels We Have Heard On High: Not only is it great fun to listen to, it’s a blast to sing. Even the most tone-deaf throat-shredders can usually nail the “Gloria in excelsis Deo” part.
• I Heard the Bells On Christmas Day: See last year’s post for my thoughts.
• Still, Still Still: Ditto.
• Christmas Time is Here: Yes, there are secular Christmas songs I like. This one, from “A Charlie Brown Christmas,” endures. Like “Still, Still, Still,” it’s a highly evocative song that makes me think of snowy nights and the incredible excitement of knowing that something really good is coming.
• Silent Night: Though please, not the Mannheim Steamroller version.
• Mary’s Boy Child: Like “Angels We Have Heard On High,” this song is so much fun to sing you have to take it in measured doses.
• Coventry Carol: Just the right song for capturing a different side of Christmas
• Bring A Torch, Jeanette, Isabella: There’s a much better set of lyrics out there for this low-content carol, but, you know, copyright and all that. The music is dazzling, and that’s enough.
• It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year: But who tells ghost stories at Christmas?
• The First Noel: Or, if you insist, The First Nowell. The lyrics may feel a bit antiquated now, but the song still works beautifully.

Oh, and just to keep it real, I’m totally sick of Natalie Merchant’s version of “Children Go Where I Send Thee.”

DREAM VACATION

Now here’s good news: the Gear Daddies will be filling in for Lynyrd Skynyrd at the Minnesota State Fair:

Lynyrd Skynyrd’s Aug. 28 concert at the Minnesota State Fair has been canceled because of singer Johnny Van Zant’s severe throat problems. The Gear Daddies, Minnesota favorites from the ’80s and ’90s, will be the replacement for the grandstand that night.

A better question is why the Gear Daddies can’t just replace Skynyrd permanently.

THE MUCH-DREADED SHUFFLE MEME

You know the drill: Put all your MP3s on ’shuffle’ and write down the first n songs that come up, no matter how embarrassing they may be. Here’s 15 tunes from my collection.

• “Save Your Heart For Me,” Gary Lewis and the Playboys
• “Theme from Cyrano/Mr. Tambourine Man,” William Shatner (no . . . it’s funnier than you’ve heard)
• “Somewhere in My Heart,” Aztec Camera
• “Bala Bala,” Gorky’s Zygotic Mynci
• “Caroline, No,” Beach Boys
• “Robert DeNiro’s Waiting,” Bananarama
• “After All,” Al Jarreau
• “We May Never Pass This Way Again,” Seals and Crofts
• “This Is A Song,” Paula Frazer
• “I Didn’t Mean To Turn You On,” Robert Palmer
• “New Madrid,” Uncle Tupelo
• “Try A Little Tenderness,” Three Dog Night
• “Julia,” Ramsey Lewis
• “Flowers,” Galaxie 500
• “Eugene’s Lament,” Beastie Boys