MY PLATFORM: EDUCATION

My fellow Americans, wherever I go on my campaign, people are asking me, “Honey, have you seen the scissors?” That’s because I’m pretty much only campaigning in my own house. But I imagine that, if I actually were out campaigning, a lot of people would be asking me about my education plans.

It will come as no surprise that many of our schools today are in crisis. Some are virtual battle zones. But enough about Coke and Pepsi. Class sizes are growing, standardized test scores are trending downwards, and having your underwear hanging out of the back of your pants is considered the height of fashion. Clearly, something must be done about these problems.

So, when these imaginary people ask me, “Mark, do you have a plan to improve our schools?”, I happily respond, “Why, yes. Yes, I do have a plan.”
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MY PLATFORM: POVERTY

#2 on the “most viewed” list, thanks to somebody at The Motley Fool.–mh

My fellow Americans, I’m often asked what I think the biggest problem facing America is in our times. And I always give an answer which comes straight from the heart: The biggest problem facing America today is that McDonald’s only sells Shamrock Shakes for a few weeks in February and March. As president, I’d order McDonald’s to make Shamrock Shakes part of the permanent menu.

But my advisers tell me that, if I am to have any chance of unseating a sitting president, I need to convince voters that the economy is bad, and only I can make it better. So I’ll just throw Reagan’s old “Are you better off now than you were four years ago?” question out there, knowing that four years ago, there was still a lot of Make-Believe Internet Money out there. QED.

I have come up with a radical new plan to slash poverty by 50%. Best of all, this plan will introduce no new government agencies, and in fact, will not cost American taxpayers one more dime than they are paying now. I call it the Alternate Side Poverty program.

Here’s the way it works. We would amend the Federal poverty guidelines so that the poverty level only applied to families living at odd-numbered addresses on odd-numbered days, and families living at even-numbered addresses on even-numbered days. The poverty level would be undefined on the odd side of the street on even-numbered days, and vice versa. Thus, a family living at 101 W. 3rd St. would be poor on the 1st, 3rd, 5th, 7th, and 9th of the month, etc., etc., while their neighbors across the street would be poor on the 2nd, 4th, 6th, 8th, etc., etc. On the other days, they would have no “official” wealth vs. poverty status.

Likewise, welfare checks issued to those on the odd side of the street would only be valid on odd-numbered days, and vice versa; people living at odd-numbered addresses could only apply for government aid on odd-numbered days (since, on the even-numbered days, they’re not officially poor, remember?), and so on, and so forth. You can see the immediate, positive effect of the Alternate Side Poverty program: At any given moment, the number of Americans living in poverty will be roughly 50% lower than it is right now.

Sure, there are some problems. Medicaid eligibility, for instance, is based on poverty, so poor people would have to schedule their illnesses to coincide with their “official” poverty dates or risk being exposed to financial liability. “A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part,” and all that. Look at the advantages, though: In addition to the 50% reduction in the poverty rate, Alternate Side Poverty will allow social-service agencies to streamline their functioning, since, on any given day, they’ll be able to reject 50% of the people who walk through the door simply because it’s not their day to be poor.

Likewise, Alternate Side Poverty will actually help raise property values. This is simply due to the structure of the calendar. Perhaps the American people are not aware of this, but we have several months (January, March, and the like) with 31 days. Moreover, the 31st day of any given month is always followed by the 1st day of the next month. So there are some months with an extra odd-numbered day in them, and that extra odd-numbered day is always followed by yet another odd-numbered day.

See where I’m going with this? Addresses on the even-numbered side of the street will become more prestigious, since their occupants will be poor less often than the occupants of odd-numbered addresses, and they’ll never be poor two days in a row. But people who wish to maximize their eligibility for social services will seek out those odd-numbered addresses, possibly even to the point of paying a premium for them. See? Everybody wins on both sides of the street!

My fellow Americans, Alternate Side Poverty is an idea whose time has come. Join me in building a bridge to the 19th century.

MY CAMPAIGN

My fellow Americans, and other Wisconsinites:

Tomorrow we go forth to the polls to vote on a pair of foregone conclusions. Or so it would seem. But tonight I feel strangely moved. Indeed, a burden has been laid upon my heart.

I am declaring myself a candidate for the presidency of the United States of America.

There are a variety of reasons why I deserve serious consideration as the next president. First and foremost, no other candidate can save the American taxpayer as much money as I will during the first half of my term. I can say that with great confidence, my fellow Americans, because there is one indisputable fact on my side: I am only 32 years old and will not be eligible to take office until late in the year 2006.

Since I won’t be able to take office for almost two years, I won’t receive the president’s $400,000 annual salary. Likewise, since I won’t technically be president, I won’t need Secret Service protection, and will not be able to fly on Air Force One. In fact, I won’t even be able to live in the White House. Thus, only a Mark Hasty administration will offer the American people a chance to rent out the most coveted address in all America. Sure, Clinton already tried this with the Lincoln bedroom. But I’m talking about the whole house. That’s got to be worth at least $850 a month, assuming Washington housing prices are on a par with those in Wisconsin.

And speaking of Washington, one of my first acts as president would be to move the US capital away from there. It’s too expensive and far too crowded. I’d relocate the capital to someplace in North Dakota. The rent’s a lot lower, and I’m sure that we could get some plum infrastructure improvements from communities eager to have the 400,000 or so Federal jobs I’d be relocating. Plus, as they’re fond of saying in the Dakotas, “Cold keeps the riff-raff out,” meaning that my cost-cutting move could also root out corruption. Sure, it’ll implode the economy of the nation’s fifth-largest city, but sometimes you have break eggs to make an omelet, you know?

Keep watching this space over the next few weeks for details of my platform, organized around my core political philosophy: “If it ain’t broke, that can certainly be arranged.” I think you’ll find my solutions to the problems of poverty, education, transportation, and job creation to be innovative . . . and certainly no less sane than anyone else’s.
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