SEARCH ENGINE ANSWER GUY #12

It’s back, for no good reason: My occasional half-bodyparted attempt to answer the bizarre search engine queries which have led people to this site.

are hootie and the blowfish considered country music

Naah. I think they’re just glad to be considered these days, period.

can i major in geology and suck at math

Yes. Whether you can graduate, however, is another story.

mercury topaz dies wont start right away

Look at the bright side: When it does, you don’t have to drive it.

therms of endearment

Ah yes, the little known Larry McMurtry novel in which Aurora Greenaway gives up on the astronaut, finally gets smart for once in her life, and takes up with the furnace guy. Very good book. Almost as good as Lonesome Dowel.

non religious benediction

Here you go.

top 40 song about a reuben sandwich

There have been several major hits about the well-known Reuben sandwich, from “(Thousand) Islands in the Stream” by Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton to “Rye Without a Face” by Billy Idol, but most experts agree the best pop hit about the Reuben was The Beatles’ immortal 1967 hit “Corned Beef, Swiss, and Rye with Sauerkraut” from their seminal album Col. Sanders’ Hungry Roadside Stand. Of course, it’s worth noting that the Reuben has inspired its own genre.

who owns hy-vee food stores

As they’ll be happy to tell you, they’re employee-owned. And if you’re stopping by there, pick me up a 2-liter of cherry cola and some AE cottage cheese. Thanks. You know I’m good for it.

pontiac t1000 wanted

Really?

garrison.keillor when.doves.cry

It’s been a quiet week in Lake Wobegon, so quiet you can almost hear Florian Krebsbach wiping down the engine of his ‘66 Impala with a rag soaked in gasoline, just 33,486 miles on her and it still loks like no one ever sat in the back seat unless they were gift-wrapped. Uptown at the Sidetrack Tap they’ve been wondering if something is up with old Florian, not just because he is the sort of fellow, that salt-of-the-earth, keeps-his-lawn-mowed fellow who would lavish that kind of attention on an old, cheap Chevy that hasn’t gone further than St. Cloud since Jimmy Carter was president, but because, for the first time since anyone can remember, he won’t be helping with the Sons of Knute fish fry this spring. They’re wondering if he’s slowing down, if he is aging in the same way his car is not, like a backwards version of the Portrait of Dorian Gray. Maybe it’s cancer, they wonder, or maybe he’s had a stroke or heart failure, or maybe he’s just getting old, a possibility that many Wobegonians tend to forget can happen. But it’s hard to believe in aging when you live in a town where nothing changes, ever, not for the better and not for the worse.

The truth, if the truth were known, would probably caused a few raised eyebrows among the townfolk. At last year’s Sons of Knute fish fry Florian’s wife Myrtle thought he was being just a bit too chatty with one of the Thorvaldson cousins who had come up from Florida just to eat good Norwegian fish, the kind you can’t get down there. It’s a little funny, that otherwise well-adjusted people would fly all the way from their beachfront apartments in Boca Raton all the way back to Minnesota for a fish fry, when the very Atlantic Ocean in which those fish were caught laps right up against their front porches, but the fish tastes like home to them, and nothing else will do.

Anyway, ever since that unfortunate incident, Florian has carried a little grudge against Myrtle. He finds it hard to believe that after 55 years of marriage, 55 years of nothing but pure bliss, really, at least in that reserved central Minnesotan sense of bliss where you’re just glad you don’t have to eat the jar of dry-roasted peanuts all by yourself, that Myrtle would think, would even suspect, that he might step out with another woman, even just for a cup of coffee at the Chatterbox Cafe. He wants to tell her off, tell her that if he didn’t cheat on her back when he was young and handsome, he’s certainly not going to do it now that he’s old and not so handsome. He wants to let her know that, at this point in their lives, some things should be above question, and his fidelity to her should be one of those things. But he can’t do it.

When two people love one another long enough, one of them inevitably must be the strong, slient one; there isn’t enough room in any marriage for every single word anybody wants to say. Florian has taken his burden and decided that the best way to avoid an ugly situation where he’ll be serving up little nuggets of fish right from the big deep-fryer in the Legion hall while Myrtle sits at the table, alone, waiting for that Thorvaldson floozy with her frosted hair and her flowery blouse to come in and try to steal her husband, is simply not to go. He knows they’re wondering about him, if he’s lost some of his will or some of his balance or even some of his mind. But, he fiigures, it is better for him to give up something he enjoys in favor of something he enjoys more. It is almost enough for him to know that he would never go so far as to flirt with another woman, no matter what Myrtle may believe. But when the smell of codfish and hot oil spreads across Lake Wobegon next Friday, Florian and Myrtle will be sitting at their chrome and Formica dinette table, not saying anything, nothing at all. They have passed into a stange where deep, reverent silence speaks on their behalf, telling each other that what is unspoken now has been spoken before and need not be repeated. Most of the time that’s alright, but on that night, Florian will think of a song lyric he once heard entirely by accident while he and Myrtle were at the mall in St. Cloud and he was sitting on the old-married-guy bench outside JC Penney, waiting patiently for her to return with her new pair of shoes, and he will think, “No, this is what it sounds like when doves cry.”

A QUICK SEARCH ENGINE ANSWER GUY

why does jim rome hate kirk ferentz?

Because Kirk Ferentz doesn’t feel a need to be on Jim Rome’s program.

SEARCH ENGINE ANSWER GUY #11

I can’t even remember how long it’s been since the last SEAG. For the benefit of those of you who are new to TBP, Search Engine Answer Guy is my attempt to provide relevant information for the strangest search phrases in my referral logs. We seldom discover anything new or earth-shaking, but in our estimation, cheap laughs need no further justification.

steve austin cultural anthropologist

Austin 3:17 says “Culture overrides biology,” jabroni.

how to pronounce wali lundy

DAH-lur GEN-uh-rul VER-zhun uv REJ-ee Bush.

pick first penny in the park trusting lonely rails

Hint: Henry Hill. Near a town in western Nebraska. Under a non-native fruit tree.

brook bollinger plane crash

Brooks Bollinger: former Wisconsin quarterback, now with the Minnesota Vikings. Brook Berringer: former Nebraska quarterback killed in a 1996 plane crash.

is kevin steele the worst coach ever?

Only in certain parts of Texas and Florida.

how to put transmission fluid on a tempo

This can only improve its looks.

best place to park your car overnight in Detroit

Toledo.

name of park for indiana hoosier tailgating

. . . & Ride.

list of bye-weeks

This week. Last week. The next six weeks.

who are the top ten xylophone players?

OK, it’s official . . . there is no topic so obscure that a top-ten list can’t be made of it.

is it possible for the sun to get to colse to the sun

Not only is it possible, it’s absolutely necessary from a metaphysical point of view. But dig this: It is impossible for the sun to get any closer to the sun. Hey, where’s the Fritos?

difference between ford escort mark 5 and 6

€75.

SEARCH ENGINE ANSWER GUY #9

(Yeah, I know, I said SEAG was dead . . . it’s my blog and I’ll change my mind if I want to!)

Welcome to another in the now-irregular series (OK, the now-irregular-in-at-least-two-senses-of-the-word-”irregular” series), The Search Engine Answer Guy, in which a lone blogger attempts to redirect the misdirected who have mistakenly come to this site seeking information that, frankly, is not to be found here or, in most cases, anywhere. While occasionally I am able to provide searchers with the information they seek, the main point of SEAG is to look at the unusual things people seek on the internet, unaware that their IPs are logged right along with their search terms . . . but anyway, on to this most recent batch of queries.

dip throat and mark felt

Dip lip, I’ve heard of. Dip throat would seem to suggest a certain unfamiliarity with the process of chewing tobacco. What any of this has to do with W. Mark Felt is beyond me. At any rate, if you’re swallowing your tobacco spit, the burn in your throat probably has more to do with your vomiting nineteen times a day.

bible passages planting vegetables in rows hell

Maybe, if you’re from one of those wacked-out snotty suburbs where CEOs and therapists pay people to chew their food for them, gardening sounds like eternal punishment. Most of us who have actually done it find the process enjoyable.

resale value dragonlance

About half the cover price, unless you find some barefoot pilgrim on eBay.

what happened to slice lemon-lime

They replaced it with Sierra Mist. This is in keeping with PepsiCo’s recent burst of letting other companies innovate, then rushing a “me-too” product to market. Although, in this case, 7-Up and Sprite had already been around a long time. But perish forbid Pepsi should sell a product somebody else doesn’t make . . .

fake tree cladding

Most of us call it “bark.”

ford tempo regular scheduled maintenance

Well, it wouldn’t be an installment of SEAG without a little Ford Tempo smack . . . To avoid mechanical breakdown in your Tempo, replace engine, transmission, electrical system, fuel system, and brakes every 3 months or 3,000 miles.

does seinfeld really appear on colin cowherd

Here . . . you might find this useful.

veneer virginity photos

OK, for those of you keeping track, that’s two frightening tree-related search phrases now.

lutherans obligation to attend worship

Never use the word “obligation” around people with an inborn fear of works righteousness.

how do blow fish defend their selves

They point out that they’ve sold a lot more CDs than you ever will.

lutheran book of worship jukebox

If there is one, it’s in some Garrison Keillor short story that not even The New Yorker would publish, since lutefisk jokes are so 1983. But considering that the Home Depot’s commercial music rocks harder than anything in the LBW, I’m guessing that not even Uncle Gary would find this concept plausible. However, if there is an LBW jukebox, I bet it takes communion wafers in place of coins.

do football players wear cups?

According to Tim Green, not really.

four words you never want to hear

“Honey . . . where’s the Pine-Sol?”

fear of egg yolk phobia

The technical term is sulfurgassoflatulenceacrumblytexturegackophobia.

mc donalds tartar sauce recipe

Mayonnaise, pickle relish, and spackle.

download free songs we didn t start the fire

I feel ya, dawg . . . I wouldn’t pay to hear that song, either.

where was jessica simpson when she thought the bag was a jellyfish

In front of a camera.

lyrics to summer lovin by grease singers

Summer lovin’, this song is bad
Summer lovin, our skills are sad
Summer lovin’, we’re singin’ swill
Summer lovin, it pays the bills

Crappy plays, nostalgia pays
Don’t forget the mo-oo-vie rights
(A-well-a-well-a-well-a-well, tell me more, tell me more, is it really a fact?
Is it true, is it true, we sing worse than we act?)

Summer lovin’, plunder the past
Summer lovin’, do it half . . . heartedly
Irony, ersatz fifties
Makes Gen-X miss their seventies roots
(A-well-a-well-a-well-a-well, tell me more, tell me more, was Mike Watt really right?
Tell me more, tell me more, why this film is a blight)

(slowly)
Summer films, candyfloss thrills
But oh, those residualll………..
CHEH-EEEEECKSSSS!!
(Pay me more, pay me more, payyy meee moooooooorrrrrrrrrre!)

kurt warner iowa state college major

Well, I can tell you why this search bombed: he went to Northern Iowa.

what is a preseasoned football game??

One you don’t have to salt yourself?

leukemia pork christian book

Scurvy plastic libertarian monocle? Palsy scented Moravian boots?

lavar arrington married wilbon

Doubtful. I’m pretty sure that would have made the news.

cool chevy citations

Wow . . . there isn’t a 404 big enough for that.

radar love best driving song ever

Not even close, in my opinion, and that’s what this blog is all about.

SEARCH ENGINE ANSWER GUY #8

I am all out of clever introductions for Search Engine Answer Guy. Therefore, feel free to supply your own slyly ironic comments about the strange things people search for on the Internet, keeping in mind that I don’t really comment about the obvious porn searches that show up in my referral logs. (If you read them, you’d have no comment either.)

how the bcs works

In mid-October, Beano Cook and Mel Kiper, Jr. meet in a Philadelphia fishmonger’s warehouse, where they slit open the belly of the fattest grouper they can find. They cast the fish’s entrails on the USA Today sports section. Any teams whose weekend scores are gut-splattered are automatically eliminated from the national title game (this, unfortunately, is what happened to Auburn this season). They continue gutting fish and casting entrails until only 25 teams remain untainted by piscine viscera. These 25 teams comprise the initial BCS poll.

Following that, a team of underutilized actuaries meets weekly to come up with complicated mathematical formulae designed to weed out those teams which DisnESPN bears a personal grudge against. This year’s algorithm took into account strength of schedule, yards allowed, opponents’ records against BCS top-25 teams, and distance from the nearest Whataburger, which was factored in to ensure that Texas would go to the Rose Bowl and Cal wouldn’t. (This also allowed Utah to grab the last spot over the Golden Bears.) The algorithm is applied one last time at the end of the season to determine the BCS invitees.

The bowls then pick which teams they want to appear based on a careful set rules: no bowl is allowed to invite more than two teams per year. This silly, frivolous rule created the “split national championship” last season which enabled Nick Saban to pay off his mortgage before leaving Baton Rouge.

Lastly, Oklahoma and Southern California play in the title game. A little-known statute appended to the end of the National Beet Pickle Awareness Week Act of 1996 forever established it as law that Oklahoma, Southern Cal, Florida State, Nebraska, or Miami must play for the national title every year, or Congress will immediately begin an antitrust investigation of the NCAA. Thus far the system has not drawn attention to itself, but when a 6-5 Miami team faces off against 3-8 Nebraska for next year’s crown, Congress will probably have to reconsider its decision.

college composition useless

I double-dog-dare you to read my referral logs and still think that.

what american teenagers are told about sex

deceased contemporary singers

Well, if they’re deceased, they’ve pretty much stopped being contemporary, haven’t they?

2004 december 11 posted classified ads of used autos used furniture and used trailer for sale by private owner in u.s.a and uk

Had to leave town in a hurry, eh?

the name of the guy with the afro who paints on tv

Bob Ross.

most useless college degree

Oh, hey, that’s easy: the one that you get simply because you heard it leads to a high-paying job.

lynnrd skynnrd official web sites

www.ourfanscannotspellthenameofourband.com

keith urban sucks

Not so loud! My wife will hear you . . .

film majors end up doing what?

Watching direct-to-video exploitation crap whilst muttering, “I could do that.”

how did jessica simpson lose weight

Easy. After being forced to support her sister’s “singing” “career” she lost her appetite.

beaver tails supplier

This is just a hunch, but have you tried a beaver? They should be able to supply you with at least one . . .

rod stewart necrophilia lyrics

Okay, I could handle the mod phase, the folk-rock phase, the disco phase, the despoiler-of-Motown-classics phase, even the “Tony Bennett with a fright wig phase” . . . but that is going just a bit too far.

difference between chaps and chops recipes

Even if you cook your chaps for six to eight hours, they’ll still be tough and leathery. And if you eat enough chops, you probably won’t fit into your chaps any more.

pronounce chorizo

A-cid REE-flux.

80 s song on jcpenney commercial

“Let My Love Open the Door” by Pete Townshend (not The Who).

things that were cool in the 90s

Irony. Cynicism. “Post-modern” everything. John Grisham. Punk rock. Flannel. Pickup trucks.

SEARCH ENGINE ANSWER GUY #7

I’d apologize for the lateness of the seventh installment of this site’s most consistently popular feature, but (a) I decided to move this feature to the end of the month so I don’t have to pore over two months’ worth of referral logs to write it, and (2) the only reason this is the most popular feature on the site is because the first edition of it contained certain terms which have enticed those who are seeking ungarmentable imagery of antigeriatric individuals. Since, every time they click here, my Google rank goes up, I’m fairly certain that one day I’ll actually reach the top of the search page for every Roman Polanski wannabe on the planet.

So anyway, it’s late in the evening, but I still feel like destroying my reputation, so let’s begin.

2004 motor city bowl scenario

A hush falls over a crowd of 12,000 people in downtown Detroit. On one sideline stand the Minnesota Golden Gophers, the underachieving, undercoached, oversold, challenge-avoiding scions of Ski-U-Mah. On the other sidelines stand a bunch of MAC players, each thinking to themselves, “If I’d walked on at Ohio State, I’d be in San Antonio right now, where it’s warm. Plus I’d have a car to drive. And if I’d gone to Kent State like my mama wanted me to, I wouldn’t have to spend Christmas in Detroit.” The referee calls the captains to the center of the field for the coin toss. The Minnesota captains try to call time out while the coin’s in the air, because they need permission from their position coach before they say anything to the ref. The MAC players agree to the time out–being from the MAC, they’ve never seen a coin before. Heads are bowed as the referee tries to explain that the “tails” side of the coin doesn’t really have a tail–the MAC players, again, are unfamiliar with the concept of a “coin,” while the Gophers are really not supposed to take classes at the ag school, since it’s all the way over in St. Paul, a long way from the Bierman building. Then, while everybody’s heads are still down, it happens.

A lutefisk comes flying out of the stands, striking one of the MAC players.

History will quickly dub the ensuing melee “the blood spieled at Ford Field.” A TV audience estimated in the upper dozens will be appalled as the MAC players and Minneapolis sportswriters try to drown Minnesota’s coach in the Gatorade bucket. The ESPN announcers will report that the MAC head coach was injured and they’ll have an update just as soon as somebody can remember what the guy’s name is. In Bristol, they throw the switch, beginning their emergency tape broadcast of the 2002 World Series of Slot Machines. The next day, the papers will be filled with heartfelt handwringing and bitter recriminations. But no one will care. Why?

Because the Insight.com Bowl is on that night.

dealing with child flatulence in ministry

Ignore it as much as possible. Given what the average American child eats for breakfast, though, that may be a daunting task.

matt lovecchio and drafting

That may have more to do with the Pentagon than the NFL.

healthy menu for basketball tea

OK, I can think of three possibilities here. One is that you’re looking for food to serve during a basketball-themed tea. I would suggest anything with three points, though this will confuse NBA fans. The second possibility is that you intend to invite a basketball team over for some tea, in which case you’d better be exceptionally precise about what it is you intend to serve.

The third possiblity is too horrible to contemplate, and I’m not sure what you could serve to make up for drinking that.

how much do finance majors get paid out of college

About 40% of what they think they’re worth.

how to say spleen in portuguese

It’s pronounced “chorizo.”

does statutory rape involve oral?

*sigh* . . . thanks, Bill.

music who originally did the tide is high

Blondie. They should be showing up on oldies radio in another couple years.

philosophical idea of chocolat movie

Suppose someone in Hollywood came up with an idea for a movie that, unfortunately, failed to contain enough material to fill out a segment of “Love American Style.” Moreover, the screenplay (if you wanted to call it that) contained characters who would be considered laughably fake by five-year-olds watching “Scooby-Doo,” and the plot was so predictable it made the average romantic comedy look like the backwards episode of “Seinfeld.” Would it be possible to make a movie this bad, but make it so well that thousands of moviegoers and dozen of critics would be bamboozled into thinking they’d just witnessed something profound and touching? Yes, if you make it in France, and force Johnny Depp to wear an Errol Flynn mustache. This effectively proves the existentialists’ point that life is inherently meaningless.

best fight scene ever

There can only be one choice: the fight between Hugh Grant and Colin Firth in Bridget Jones’ Diary.

1993 ford tempo transmission fluid requirement

Technically, yes, transmission fluid is required, though if you leave it out, you may not be able to tell the difference. I mean, your car will break down without tranny fluid; it’s just that breakdowns are not a unique experience for Tempo owners.

define a simple experiment?

Put the phrases “sensible tort reform” and “naked baboons” on your blog; then, see which gets you more search engine hits in a month. That’s a pretty simple experiment; I’ll let you know the results next month.

what college majors make the most money?

According to statistics, if you want to make over a million dollars a year, your best bet is to go to the University of North Carolina and major in geography. The average annual salary for a UNC geography grad is in the low millions. If you don’t know why this is bad advice, you probably also don’t know where Michael Jordan went to college, or what he majored in–and you’re not a good candidate for majoring in statistics, either.

i-aa qualified team bowl eligible

I-AA teams may not play in bowl games under any circumstances.

minnesota pansy rule

If you play nothing but pansies in your out-of-conference schedule, you’re bound to underachieve in the conference season. This used to be called the Bill Snyder Theorem, but I think the Gophers have refined it enough to make it their own.

can i get into architecture school with an economics major

Do you have the tuition money? If so, the answer’s bound to be “yes” someplace.

SEARCH ENGINE ANSWER GUY #6

On the off chance that there are still two or three folks around from this week’s FARKalanche, let me introduce one of TBP’s more enduring features, The Search Engine Answer Guy. Roughly towards the middle of every month, I wander through my site statistics looking for search phrases people have used to get to my site, seeking that which simply is not to be found within these pages. Rather than shooing these people off, I try, instead, to answer their search queries to the best of my ability. In the language of FARK, intermittent hilarity sometimes ensures.

Now, here’s this month’s collection of oddball queries.

protractor games

Protractor football is the greatest because, unlike those little folded-paper footballs, a protractor is both big enough and sharp-cornered enough to cause minor flesh wounds. Other possible protractor games include “let’s see who can draw the closest thing to a 38-degree angle freehand,” which is not technically a protractor game but requires one for proper adjudication, “draw the fastest semi-circle,” and, of course, “kill the guy with the protractor.”

chicken wind barb

There’s an Arkansas joke in here someplace, but I probably shouldn’t be the one to make it.

ford tempo won’t start in the early mornings

Count yourself lucky. Most of them won’t start at any time of the day.

i need a fake school report card

I feel ya, dawg. Takes a lot of work to avoid working.

keyes obama betting spread

Take Obama and the over, whatever it is.

is 27 considered to be your late twenties?

To a 20-year-old, yes. To a 27-year-old, not so much. To a 32-year-old, 33 is considered “late twenties.”

5 october 2004 classified ads france recent used furniture for sale by private owner posted on 5 october 2004

I’d love to help you, but you’ll just have to be more specific about the posting date.

wyoming’s top selling pickup

Somewhere west of Laramie, there’s a broncho-busting girl who knows that she’s the 13th owner of that ‘78 F150, which is now Wyoming’s top-selling pickup, and will be more so once she runs into somebody with $300 and no self-respect.

matt gutierrez michigan rumor

Let me confirm it for you: Yes, Matt Gutierrez is on Michigan’s roster. It just seems like he’s not

baseball season is too long

What? You can’t maintain your focus over the course of 162 games? Well, then, the terrorists have won. I suppose now you’ll be telling me it’s tough to work up much enthusiasm over a 1-0 soccer game.

meaning of all the young dudes

It means the early 70s were a strange time, and David Bowie was one interesting cat.

jason whitlock drew bledsoe 1998 sign

The Kansas City Star and ESPN columnist got in a bit of trouble for holding up a sign in the Foxboro Stadium pressbox questioning the QB’s sexual prefence. He was “on vacation” from the newspaper for a little while, if I remember correctly.

car park indicator for houses

Usually, the best place to park is indicated by the wide strip of pavement which runs from the street to the garage.

fake pie calgary

I am intrigued by this. How do you fake a pie? With artificial crust? Or do you just not put anything in it? At what point do you cross the line between genuine and fake pie? Are there other, more fakeable pastries? And are Calgarians at the forefront of of the burgeoning imitation-pastry movement? Will we all wonder, as we sit down to our Thanksgiving dinners, “Gosh, I hope they splurged and got real pie this year”? And why aren’t there more country songs about rodeo clowns?

minnesota at michigan 2004 prediction

I think the Wolverines will probably win.

champaign-urbana things to do october 9 2004

1. Leave
2. Consider transferring to a college in a more interesting town, like North Dakota State
3. Join with other of your fellow oppressed Urbana-ites to form a revolutionary force that will get people to start referring to the conurbation as “Urbana-Champaign” instead
4. Go on the Internet and hassle those miserable losers from Bloomington-Normal
5. Have a deep philosophical discussion about why Champaign and Urbana are separate towns, but Wilkes-Barre, PA, is just one city

SEARCH ENGINE ANSWER GUY #5

If it’s the late-middle of the month, it must be time for the living anti-404, the Search Engine Answer Guy. Give me your tired, your poorly-parsed, your befuddled masses yearning to download free bad music . . .

Since there’s maybe one or two of you who haven’t read SEAG before, let me tell you how this works: Like every blogger, I get a bunch of throughly bizarre search phrases cropping up in my referral logs on a regular basis. I could just post them here and let you get a kick out of the messed-up things people search for, the lost causes they champion, the astounding inability to spell simple words like “picture” or “greatest”–but no. I have too much love for my fellow man to do that. Instead of just mocking these beknighted individuals, I’ve decided to try helping them instead by answering their queries the best I know how.

Of course, if my answers inadvertently make a mockery of the original request, all that stuff about peace and goodwill still applies, right? Right. On with this month’s inquiries!

ford tempo won’t start in park?

It’s been my experience that, in fact, they won’t start in the driveway or the garage, either.

cheap tickets to nebraska huskers

Generally, on Sunday mornings, tickets to the previous day’s game are available at a substantial discount.

muskrat jokes
jokes about dennis franchione

Why don’t muskrats eat Bama fans? They’re just too bitter.

wine made with juicy juice

Got a six-year-old’s birthday party coming up, eh?

what is a political endorsement

It’s somebody who can’t think providing justification for those who won’t.

comeback stirrup-pants

Crimony, we’re just getting over all the weird-looking torsoes getting exposed, and you wanna bring back clothes that accentuate bad legs? What is wrong with this world? Can’t we all just wear carpenter pants and XXL t-shirts and get on with our lives?

chicago sports bears team needlepoint

Considering how they stuck it to the Packers today, perhaps they have been practicing the textile arts.

most christians are hypocrites

Most? Try all. Some people even think this is a bad thing.

what side of the road is even address

There is no definite rule for this. Our last two houses have both been on the west side of north-south roads; one was even-numbered, and the other was odd. Sadly, there’s still no substitute for looking at the numbers on houses.

why didn t amos zereoue play in sundays game

Uhh . . . you do know he’s not with the Steelers any more, right?

puffy cheetos

Get off my web page, you freak.

someday we ll know about milwaukee?

At the rate human knowledge is expanding, this seems all but inevitable. Yes, someday we’ll all know about Milwaukee.

what is wrong with gutierrez michigan

Lloyd Carr is calling plays for him.

theme park rules that people hate

That whole “no spitting from the top of the ferris wheel” thing has always been a major buzzkill to me.

the name of the next pixar motion picture coming out in late 2004

We Know You Have A Small Child, So Just Hand Over Your Wallet

michigan wolverines instrumental fight song notes

“Hail To The Victors” is a totally diatonic melody in the Locrian mode. Don’t ask me why I remember this; I just do. I got a C-minus in music theory when I was a freshman in college. I got an A in accounting, but do you think I can balance a checkbook?

gender differences in shampoo marketing

Women will stand in the aisle for seven or eight minutes, carefully reading the list of ingredients and trying to recall what one of their friends told them worked really well for limp hair like she’s got. They will smell every different brand, trying to find something that won’t clash with their shower gel, body mist, or hand lotion. If they’re not convinced–absolutely convinced–that they’ve found the right product, they will move on to a different store, maybe even several of them, and if they still can’t find the right shampoo, they’ll go to the salon and ask their hairdresser’s advice.

Men buy Pert Plus, because it’s always on sale.

SEARCH ENGINE ANSWER GUY #4

Yep . . . it’s actually a little late, but here’s #4 in our ongoing series aimed at giuding the misguided, redirecting the misdirected, confusing the confusable, and so on.

postmodernist marital humor

Q: How is a spouse like a nominal vocalization of a deep meme?

A: In a post-structuralist modality, of course!

(Well, it’s funny in my culture of affiliation.)

resent photos of robert plant the singer

Deeply, I assure you.

kirk ferentz replace joe paterno psu

Unlikely. Paterno just signed a contract extension in Happy Valley, and why would Ferentz want to make such an unprecedented lateral move? Because I don’t care what you may think in Lionland, from Iowa City to State College certainly isn’t moving up. Not anymore, anyway.

krispy kreme smoothie recipe

2 Krispy Kreme donuts
1/2 cup whole milk

Place in blender and pulse until pulverized. Drink. Vomit.

who is the most likely to listen to lite rock music?

Anybody with an office job, if the TV commercials are to be believed. Why haven’t I ever seen a radio station promote themselves as “the station no one at work can agree on”?

jack white were you influenced by jeff buckley

I don’t know what you’re drinking, pal, but I don’t want any. Jack White is more influenced by Jeff Probst than Jeff Buckley.

goth marriage vows

Pretty much the same as regular marriage vows, except for the “until death do us unite” part.

martin luther’s stance on infant or adult baptism

All Lutheran churches save for a few Free Lutheran congregations practice infant baptism. “I have seen how every inclination of the human heart is evil” and all that, y’know? I mean, as soon as a child learns the words “no” and “mine” they’re quite capable of sin . . .

why cheating in college

Classwork cuts into the “gabbing mindlessly on Daddy’s cell phone” and “let’s try to get on The Real World” time.

the victors lyrics big ten

Fail! You are weak and heartless!
Fail! Maize and blue choke artists!
Fail! Fail! You lost again!
Your hype is a curse!

Fail! To the Big Ten trash-hill!
Fail! Book your flight for Nashville!
Fail! Fail! ‘Just wait ’til next year . . .’
. . . when we’ll beat you worse!

Well, that’s how they sing it in Iowa City, anyway.

franchione traitor

Oh, it’s been two years and two coaches. Get over it.

what s the singers name to letters to cleo

Kay Hanley.

common problems with a 1993 ford tempo

1. Ownership.
2. Inability to find someone willing to assume same.

i need current email address of 40 to 90 years old women unmarried 2004

Good. The ones that were current in 1997 probably wouldn’t do you much good. Best of luck selling that new miracle pill.

who are the comedians on vh1 a2z?

I’ve certainly never seen any.

how do the iowa hawkeyes stack up in the big ten

Third from the top, if you go alphabetically.

1998 cavalier improve acceleration

1. Go to your local auto parts store.
2. Acquire giant ‘FOR SALE’ sign.
3. Use proceeds to buy something faster, like a 1988 Hyundai Excel with bad spark plugs, three bald tires, and 150 pounds of Purina Dog Chow in the back.

how to tear a phone book

Move to a really, really small town. I once lived in a town so small the phone book had twenty matches inside it and “Can You Draw This Turtle?” on the back cover.

That one was pretty easy to tear.

SEARCH ENGINE ANSWER GUY #3

Third in what has now become a monthly feature here at TBP . . . I even gave it its own category.

hootie and the blowfish what happened

Choose any three of the following: Overexposure, betrayal by the media hype machine, N*SYNC, sunspots, failure to floss after every meal, and invisible gremlins.

van halen sammy vs. dave argument

Which is worse: a preening fop with a penchant for 1940s cover songs (Dave) or a good-time Charlie who ran out of ideas (Sammy)?

what happened in the family ties final episode

Alex went to New York. There was a big teary scene because, as we all know, it’s so far from Columbus to New York. In fact, it’s an eight-day drive, even though they’re in the same time zone.

1987 chevy nova reliability information

I went 18,000 miles without changing the oil in mine. I drove in the midst of blizzards and left it overnight in snowdrifts more than once. I drove away from every stop light with the pedal to the floor, and threw the thing into corners like I was Emerson Fittipaldi. I even put a cheap Sears tape deck into it. I want you to pay close attention to the following: you cannot kill these cars.

Or, at least you couldn’t back in 1994. By now, they’re probably getting a little grotty.

krist novoselic bald

Yes, he is.

biz markie national anthem

You know, I might even pay 99 cents to hear this.

2000 honda accord stuck in park what can be wrong?

The brake pedal interlock (designed to keep you from shifting out of park unless your foot’s on the brake) may be malfunctioning. Stick your ignition key in the little slot next to the gear selector and see if that doesn’t fix it. Otherwise, I dunno.

what happened to the dallas cowboys?

Hubris. That, and Jerry Jones took too long to realize that he’s not a good judge of NFL talent. If they’d let Emmitt Smith go back while they still could have gotten something for him, they probably wouldn’t be so bad off today.

roxy music metrosexual

I’d say so, but judge for yourself.

myers briggs yoko ono

Interesting case. She has the ultra-rare Myers-Briggs type EIEIEIEIEIEIEOOOOOAAAAAOOIEIEIEIE!!!

advantage of tight volleyball shorts

You’ll get to see your picture all over the Internet, for one . . .

tow truck driver salary

According to the US Department of Labor, light-delivery truck drivers in the employ of auto parts stores average $7.82 an hour. Automotive service technicians average between $12 and $14 an hour. In other words, learn to work the wrench or learn to love ramen noodles.

bowl eligibility 1-aa once every four years

The I-AA Pansy Rule allows teams which play NCAA Division I-A football to count a victory over a I-AA team towards the six victories required for post-season eligibility, but only one such victory may be counted every four years. Why a Division I-A team needs to play a Division I-AA team is beyond me, or anybody else not name Bill Snyder.

how to sing the anthem at pac bell park

Close your eyes and keep telling yourself, “I’m in the shower . . . I’m in the shower . . .”

rioting at isu

As you can tell, it’s still not an official department of the university. Probably just a matter of getting legislative approval, though.

obscure facts about iowa

The state pickle is bread & butter. Despite what most people think, the largest industry in the state is not farming, but comic-book restoration. There has never been a documented shark attack in Lake Okoboji. Importation of “bold and spicy” barbecue sauces is prohibited by state law. The city of Burlington is fictional; what appears to be “Burlington” is actually an elaborate hologram created in a 1958 Army experiment. Iowa likes the conical hat.

conservative madison wisconsin

Never been there, huh?

yacht reverie helicopter

Beagle fitted absence. Upstream hockey flavor quiz.

what was richard starkey better known as?

The dumb one.